So what you’ve lost your car key

[OneNeatDenimHelper]

My 58 year old mum has terminal lung cancer. No surgery, radiotherapy or clinical trials. Chemotherapy and immunotherapy will give her an average of two years. We found out on Friday 13th which feels comical really. Went to visit a friend today who spent a good 15 minutes moaning about the inconvenience of losing their car key at the gym and the effort they’ll have to go to now to sort this out. I couldn’t have cared less and was desperate to leave. I know I’m not unreasonable, I just don’t have anywhere to vent that won’t bring others down. I’m only 34. My Mum will miss out on so much.

That person is not a friend. Time for some new ones. Ones who will support you when you need a shoulder.

I am sorry about your Mum. That is cruel and unfair.

So sorry to hear

I'm really sorry to hear about your mum, that's so hard. But it doesn't make the world stand still for others, however petty you judge their situations to be.

This might be useful too.

https://roycastle.org/our-support/telephone-support/

My mum died last year of terminal cancer, and I experienced similar to you from one friend in particular over many months. Its incredible and I genuinely don't know what she was thinking, strangely we're not close any more so I'll never know.

Anyway I'm so sorry you and your mum are going through this, it's so awful and you're both too young, it's heartbreaking.

No it doesn’t but it sounds like the first time she’s seen her friend since the news and the friend should have been more sensitive about the turmoil she was in.

You’re absolutely right. I just feel so bitter and it’s eating me up. Finding it really difficult to process ‘petty’ things others may complain about at the minute. But don’t want to isolate myself. Very up/down.

Did the friend know?

So sorry girl, what awful news. 💐 x

I’m so sorry, I have lost people close to me who died far too soon. It does put things into perspective. Enjoy your time with your Mum and don’t waste time on people like this

Yes, they knew. And maybe they were trying to detract and distract, but I just wish they were a bit more selfless and asked about her and my family. It probably is unreasonable of me to expect that without asking. It’s just left me feeling very deflated.

If your friend is a good friend, it may be just that they didn't know what to say. Or thought you needed your mind taking off it. Once they have had time to process the news, it might be better next time you see them. I hope so, and sending you all best wishes.

No completely understandable - agree it might have been a clumsy attempt at distraction. They should ask though and then gauge the vibe from there, you shouldn't have to ask

Sorry, you aren't wrong for feeling this way, at all x

I'm sorry to hear your news, my mum died around 10 years ago of cancer.

The one thing I would say is that please bear in mind when something has happened to you, or you're living something horrible, you will no doubt be feeling down or not very talkative, people will often fill the gaps in the conversation out of awkwardness.. your friend could be self centered, or they may have been rambling on about meaningless things, so they don't inadvertently upset you with something you may or may not want to talk about.

It can be a tricky time when your friends and loved ones are going through something traumatic, it's hard to know what that person needs as support unless they open up about it so don't worry about bringing others down talking things over, if they are your genuine friends or people that love you, they will not care how being there for you makes them feel.

Yes I think you definitely have a point here. I am usually very outgoing and chatty, but I’m probably more quiet and reserved at the minute, so they likely are filling in gaps with mundane things. I’ve been coping ok so far. But, last Saturday, we (me, my sisters and my neice) shaved her head. On Sunday, my sister in law cooked Sunday lunch as Mum was so tired. She is normally the hostess with the most-ess. It’s just starting to feel real, exponentially. I think I need to be more vulnerable with friends and let them know when I’m not ok. I’m just really trying to hold it together for my brothers and sisters.

What a devastating diagnosis.

One thing that I realised, which is not an original thought, was that the mundanity of other people’s lives continued at the same time as my own deepest grief. And then I realised that the mirror of that was also true. My life had been continuing in all its very triviality exactly when others were coping with the most awful situations.

People have written about this far more eloquently than I, but what it comes down to is the deep and perplexing unfairness of life. I’m so sorry for you and for your mother.

Does she know your mum? If not, you can’t really expect much more than ‘how’s your mum doing and how are you coping with it?’ before they move on to other things, even if petty.

If she knows your mum, then you’d likely get a deeper conversation.

That’s a really good way of looking at it, to be fair. No doubt I’ve banged on about all sorts of rubbish over the years when people around me are coping (?!) with what life is throwing at them. Two people close to me in particular have been dealing with IVF recently, whilst I’ve likely moaned about Uber eats arriving cold or my local running out of Guinness. It’s ridiculous really, when you think about it. But until we’re the ones impacted, we just don’t realise. Life just feels so unfair at the minute.

Yes, they know Mum. And we’ve been friends for many years. Was there for over an hour before they asked what I was up to this weekend. I mentioned I was seeing my Mum tomorrow, which was when they then asked how she was and how I was doing. It just stung really, that they didn’t ask after her, or me, sooner.

Some people just don’t know what to say during such difficult times. She may not have wanted to bring it up either, as she knows it’s upsetting for you.

It's such an incredibly hard time, I think because your family are living it too, they will feel the same as you and you all just 'get it' without having to talk about it, with friends it's different, the more you pretend to be okay, the more they will either think you are doing okay, or they will go along with that pretense thinking that is what you want.. and you may find that they don't ask you questions or try and talk about anything you may find hard to talk about. If they have never experienced grief it can be really hard to know what to do and say.

I've also seen some threads on here recently that surprised me a little but there were people saying that they never ask questions of their friends as they see it as prying.. so even if something has happened they will basically ignore it until the person starts talking about it first.. I find it such an alien concept, but there was lots of posters in agreement.

I'm not sure what the answer is, your life won't be the same for a long time, and will be forever changed going forward, you and your family all sound lovely and supportive with each other, which can hopefully be a comfort. Your friends may just need to be led by you a little more on the best way they can be supportive, they may genuinely think they are doing the right thing by trying to change the subject or not talking about your mum, 'taking your mind off it', not realising they are making you feel worse.

You’ve certainly hit the nail on the head here. My brothers and sisters (there are 5 of us, plus partners) are certainly on the same page. Everyone is rallying around, meal prepping and going to appointments and being the taxi and impulse buying head scarves and medical equipment and doing the Sunday dinner. I am going to be a bit more upfront about how I’m feeling. I think I’m just trying to be strong and I’m scared that if I’m vulnerable I’ll just fall apart. And I’m not embarrassed by that, but equally I don’t want to burden anyone. I’m rambling now, apologies if you’ve made this far. I’m really appreciative of those that have replied.

So sorry about your mother, I dont think it was about the silly car keys, I think its the fact she could have asked you how you were, or just listened to you talk. Its almost the complete lack of awareness that hurts the most. Had a very tragic event myself two years ago so I get it. Your time is precious now as well so it helps when you surround yourself with people who have a little bit of empathy to the situation ❤️

Sorry to hear about your mum.

did you try talking to your friend about what your going through?
obviously no where in the same league as what you are going through but losing your car key does sound annoying and she should be able to vent/tell you but not at the expense of your also being able to talk/share. Maybe she thought this was a better story to tell you rather than about her holiday or other goods things happening in her life given the circumstances.

Im so sorry about the news about your way too young mum.... And your cloth eared friend.

My empathy- when my 40 something perfectly healthy brother died suddenly of a heart attack - one friend spent a full 30mins of the hour i was with her moaning about a parking ticket... When we met for the second time post bro's death and before tje funeral - she said she knew ' just how i felt' as their elderly cat was pts.

No it's bloody not!! ...my primary aged nephews are still traumatised 4 years later as are we.

The thing is, everyone deals with personal crises differently. My own mum is unwell and I really don’t want to be asked about it by friends, I want some time off from thinking about it. I lost my dad very young too (early 20s) and was similar.

I think if you want to talk about your mum, bring it up, don’t wait until friends do and then resent them for not doing so, they might not know that’s what you want.

Some people will be good at having a sympathetic conversation, others won’t. Save conversations about your mum for the ones who are good at talking about it.

Keep the rest of the friendships going anyway if you like them as friends in normal times. Different people touch us on different sides.