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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

10 year old never shares

18 replies

Advicefor10 · 09/04/2026 18:49

Please can I get some advice but before I do just want to point out the obvious - yes I HAVE talked to her and yes I have given CONSEQUENCES but nothing is working! I cannot buy 2 of everything, I just don’t have the money or space. I’m at my wits end, my youngest who is 7 just accepts she won’t share but readily gives his own toys for her to play with and is met with screaming in his face if he dares to even touch anything of hers. I feel incredibly sorry for him and don’t want t him growing up thinking this is normal. I’ve spoken to him and told him unless she shares he shouldn’t but he’s so lovely to her he just gives his things to his sister.

I love both my children equally before I get told im showing favouritism. I just find my DD very nasty to him. What has worked for you in similar situations?

OP posts:
pottylolly · 09/04/2026 18:51

What kind of things do you want her to share?

Original poster
Advicefor10 · 09/04/2026 18:54

pottylolly · 09/04/2026 18:51

What kind of things do you want her to share?

Toys in the playroom.

They have a playroom and it was decided all toys there are to be shared so she ended up with every single thing in her room! You couldn’t even see the carpet as literally everything was on there including a big dance mat. She’s put some such as the dance mat in the playroom as she couldn’t even open her wardrobe door but screams at him if he wants to use it, also the Lego pieces which are actually both of theirs but she thinks they only belong to her

OP posts:
Original poster
Advicefor10 · 09/04/2026 18:56

Sorry I went off on one! In short it’s the toys in the playroom. Anything sentimental they keep in their rooms. He won’t touch her Nintendo switch for example as that’s in her room

OP posts:
Songbird54321 · 09/04/2026 19:06

I’ve had this with my girls, although it was the younger one refusing to share.
I would give her, for example, half an hour for ‘her turn’, then take it and give it to her sister for her turn. She sometimes kicked off but I didn’t give in, she eventually learned about taking turns.
If it is their own toy bought for say their birthday I let them decide whether to share but if it’s bought for both of them then I make sure they both get to play with it.

Hatty65 · 09/04/2026 19:07

I would make there be extreme consequences for screaming in his face if he dares to want to play with 'shared' toys.

Anything personal is in their rooms. Anything in the playroom they both get to play with. If she kicks off then banish her to her room and leave him to enjoy the peace in the playroom without her.

MintTwirl · 09/04/2026 19:09

What are the consequences for her when she screams on his face! Does she then get her own way?

Blueonblacktan · 09/04/2026 19:12

I think this is one of those things that you need to put the hard work in over a period of time to break the back of. Shared toys, like the lego in the toy room. If she screams at her brother or kicks off, instant repercussion such as going to her room or sitting on the stair or whatever it is. Every single time.

Its time consuming and hard work but utter consistency every time is what is needed. She needs to know she cannot dictate such unreasonable terms.

ohwtf · 09/04/2026 19:12

You need actual consequences for the fact that she screams in his face. Send her to her room with the removal of her Nintendo Switch, for example, until she learns to share nicely.

pottylolly · 10/04/2026 03:38

Did some of the toys used to be hers?

PollyBell · 10/04/2026 03:42

No she shouldnt be nasty but they are their person and why do they have to share just because the younger wants too?

why would a 7year old and a 10 year old have that much in common they need to share?

I dont see it as favourtish but just because they are related does not mean they have too

Lostthefairytale · 10/04/2026 04:01

I'm confused about the playroom. Are there toys in the playroom which were gifted to the children individually which they are now expected to share because they are in the playroom? If that is the case I'm not surprised she is unhappy. Not sure if I have the wrong end of the stick on this one though.

Mammyloveswine · 10/04/2026 07:44

Ten year olds are old enough to not scream in their younger siblings face… however I get it op. My two are 10 and 8 and fight constantly! It’s really hard!

WarriorN · 10/04/2026 07:47

Mammyloveswine · 10/04/2026 07:44

Ten year olds are old enough to not scream in their younger siblings face… however I get it op. My two are 10 and 8 and fight constantly! It’s really hard!

I use phrases like “gosh you’ve showed me you’re not old enough to handle this reasonably and patiently so clearly you’re not old enough to do x y z ( usually something tech based.)

The how to talk to kids and how to listen book is really good

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 10/04/2026 08:15

Obviously her responses are somewhat extreme, but I really don’t believe that children should be expected to share everything. She needs to have some favourite toys that are just for her, as does her brother, then some that are communal. As an adult, if my siblings visited and expected to use my things because I was expected to share, I’d feel very stressed and frustrated.

WarriorN · 10/04/2026 09:00

Yes, at playgroup with my first I’d repeat ad nauseum: when s/he’s finished with it you can have your turn. And we’d wait patiently (sometimes not to patiently.) and I’d do the same if another child wanted a toy - say to the child, we will make sure you get a turn when he’s finished with it.

Second child this has been harder due to not being able to be on top of all sibling reactions but also I think Covid lockdowns. I never got the opportunity to go to playgroups with him at the same age to practise that skill.

That’s not to say it can’t be worked on and I’ve had to work on it a lot.

WarriorN · 10/04/2026 09:03

You can’t force sharing. It must be from within. You can model and discuss points of view, read stories and use certain phrases from certain books that work,

The screaming is what I tackle with “that’s how toddlers do it, you’re showing me you’re not old enough to do xyz.”

But then we have to break down what to do instead. The older sibling may also need support.

This is the book; there’s a book for younger children and also iirc another for siblings

https://amzn.eu/d/0c6z1XXY

Amazon

Amazon

https://amzn.eu/d/0c6z1XXY?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-am-i-being-unreasonable-5514836-10-year-old-never-shares

Motomum23 · 10/04/2026 09:31

I had a very tiny stage of this with one of my 4.... fixed it very simply by saying that if they cant share then they cant play with any of the other childs toys. Don't make your 7 year old be the bad guy. No oldest you cant play with youngests lego set because you dont share with them, it will only take a couple of times (even if you have to buy youngest some very desirable items to make the point quickly). They need to be allowed their own stuff in their own room, but not to dpminate the shared stuff - and you as the parent must distinguish between whats their own and what's shared... then allow the 7 year old her own stuff too.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 10/04/2026 10:05

PollyBell · 10/04/2026 03:42

No she shouldnt be nasty but they are their person and why do they have to share just because the younger wants too?

why would a 7year old and a 10 year old have that much in common they need to share?

I dont see it as favourtish but just because they are related does not mean they have too

Of course they should share, the toys are for both of them!

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