AIBU to abandon holiday due to children’s behaviour

[polyppockets7]

Need to vent - fucking miserable

Worked so hard for this family. Have paid off all of our debt last year and have not had a family holiday for 6 years.
we arrived Monday and abandoned plans yesterday evening due to daughters tantrum /meltdown. Age 11 and fully old enough to know better.

Had nice plans today and she did the same 6 hours ago. We have done nothing but sit in our room since and it’s miserable. I want to go home.

im at the point where I actually feel done parenting them and despite loving my husband am considering moving out as I’m just mentally done.
3 children age 8 11 13 all have adhd. We are very strict and consistent with them and despite trying every day they still have no basic independence skills, provoke each other continuously and have nothing but horrible meltdowns.
being strict with them has proved far better than when they were little and there was a more gentle approach, but I’m at the point where I can’t see a way out.

AIBU to leave and not return due to behaviour.

what does being super strict look like?

OP.

Try and relax.

Watch a movie, eat junk, do kids activities.

Try not to be too strict.

Try to enjoy the holiday. Have low expectations.

Get to bed early, no alcohol so you are on top form.

Holidays with kids are for the children. Not you. You have to survive.

Reset your expectations to this and should be fine ^^

They have no devices/ screen time. I spent almost every waking moment supporting their behaviour. Continual reminders.
despite visual lists they cannot dress themselves, brush their teeth, wipe their noses without a good 12-15 reminders per child. They get up and walk out without water bottles or coats so at 13 it feels like I’m telling them how to breathe.
they are expected to be respectful and to clean up their mess, to not be unkind to each other.
when they are not they lose privileges like for example 13yo was removed from pool yesterday for being unkind to sister.

despite the fact I’m there every waking moment either refereeing or preventing them being horrid to each other, or providing the 34th reminder to brush their hair and wash their face, they just don’t seem to learn any of these skills ever or want to do them for themselves. When I ask them there are meltdowns.

I’m at the point where I’ve just had enough.
would you take kids on holiday and stay if they behaved this way?

I have not heard another child tantrum once since we got here and I’m utterly disgusted by mine and want to go home.

I'm sure someone with more experience of ADHD children will be along so please take my advice under advisement.

Are you there solo parenting or is there a useless partner somewhere?

Firstly, sit down all the kids and acknowledge calmly and quietly that you are upset. Not angry [you are obviously] but upset, upset.
You've worked really hard to be able to pay for the holiday and take them away.
It's your holiday too and they are squabbling and being horrible to each other.
Do they want to go home?

Ground rules - discuss calmly:
What are they for the rest of the holiday? What are your expectations of them?
What are the consequences for bad behaviour?
Can you divide and conquer - the misbehaving child stays in the room with one parent, goes for a walk or whatever; the others carry on with their fun planned day.
What's the warning word if their bickering is getting out of hand?

Then:
Digital - do they have devices and access to YouTube etc? My advice is remove, lock in a suitcase and don't return until the return flight/drive home if at all. My kids are not ND but it is a massive trigger for the most horrible behaviour.
Activities - where are you and what can you get up to ? Do you need ideas that will work for all three ?
Support - if solo parenting can you access a kids club or a local sitter, or beg a grandparent to join you?

All things being equal. Make it clear, calmly that you will all go home if this persists.

If you do issue an ultimatum, it must be stuck to 100%.

I wouldn't blame you for going home now if you did.

Is it just the 11 yo who is currently spoiling things for everyone with meltdowns?

It feels a bit unfair on the other two to decide to abandon the holiday because of their sister's behaviour. Can you all agree on something to do together? Sitting in the room sounds miserable for all of you.

I've crossed over with your update. There's two adults, great. Divide and conquer is an option. One does breakfast time, the other does bath and bedtime? Alternate so one of you gets a well deserved pint of wine every other evening.

You must deal with the inability to follow a set of instructions all the time though. What works on a school morning? Uniform? Leave one set of clothes out. End of, no choice.

Parent A leaves with first ready children to do something exciting. parent B waits until tardy child has ticked their list of stuff but crucially, then make them wait for you until you are ready. Finish your chapter or chopping veg for dinner or whatever suits.

Got any rewards? Is there anything really amazing they'd like to do? Can they accumulate reward stickers towards a last day activity?

Most importantly, give yourself a break. This must be so hard and it's entirely understandable to be frustrated, upset and fed up. Ask your partner if you can take a few hours away to regroup.

Tbh you sound a bit full on. Does it matter if they don't wear a coat or have a water bottle on them at all times. Maybe step back a bit.

I have abandoned a holiday with my children before so if it's not working out, I get it. My children are also neurodivergent. Sometimes it goes okay, but sometimes not.

They may be acting up more as they are away from their usual comforts and routines. Being on holiday can be overwhelming and disorientating. New food, beds, smells, activities etc. Also depending on where you are staying it can be difficult to have less privacy and space than usual.

I'd maybe try have a chill day and see how that works out, but if people can't settle or enjoy themselves then, totally possible to just call it, if you can get home earlier than planned.

I find it can take 24 hours or more for my kids to ‘settle’ into holiday mode. For the first day or so they can often be very excitable / teary / annoying each other. They don’t have ADHD but sometimes a new place, new or no routine etc can bring out the worst in them. Also there are times I ignore bad behaviour if it’s not being brought to my attention and they're not annoying anyone but each other! Obviously within reason.

My DD 12 still needs reminders about teeth brushing, coat , water bottle… I think at this age it’s still fairly standard to have to remind them even if it’s frustrating.

I wouldn’t give up on the holiday yet… holidays with kids can be very mixed and not always as good as you hope or expect unfortunately. But they’ll probably get home and tell you how much they enjoyed it!

Can you hang on but amend the plans to dial down/take out any excitement?

I remember promising ds1 we would never ever go on holiday again when he was small. He just couldn't handle the excitement and became like a whirling dervish and I was a wrung out dishcloth. Ds1 has asd - he just didn't understand how to process his feelings with normality on its head - and ds2 followed joyfully behind joining in with the chaos.

We changed expectations. We did go away again, but self catering/takeaways. We spent daytimes outdoors on beaches digging - soo much digging - or walking up hills, or fossil hunting - swimming, cinema or bowling if it was wet - activities they were used to. Evening entertainment was back in the flat or cottage reading, playing board games or playing cards or silly games No external stimulation or entertainment things, apart from favourite/familiar TV/films.

We eventually established a new normal for holidays which was less exciting, but once they knew what to expect was more fun/less drama.

Best of luck. I do know how you feel - been there, got the T shirt. Maybe try again tomorrow, super calm, with small aims - a walk maybe, then back to the room for a drink and snack. Family game before lunch, then if you feel up to it, maybe a swim afterwards . . . Aim low. (Eg maybe on holiday teeth cleaning can be before/after morning snack, rather than when you are trying to go out? )

I think most reasonable parents would want their child to have a coat to wear in the winter. And schools expect a water bottle to be taken in. I assume this is what the OP is talking about - the everyday stuff.

Your approach isn’t working, if you want to go home go home, but you need to find new ways to handle their behaviour.

@FatFace99 "Holidays with kids are for the children. Not you."

Really? I don't think many hard working parents would agree that family holidays are 100% for the kids and the kids alone. Isn't that teaching children that the entire universe and everything in it revolves around them and that nobody else has any right to want or need anything? That's one sure way to set your kids up for an almightly shock when they get out in the real world, and to make them pretty unpleasant individuals for that matter.

And maybe on holiday shove a couple of cagouls and water bottles in a backpack. They'll soon ask for them if they are wet/cold/thirsty . . .

We've just returned home from a mini break, one of mine has ADHD and we're exhausted so your feelings are valid.
How do the children decompress and regulate at the end of the day? Mine have screen time, limited, but he's happy to turn off and hand over once the timer goes. This also gives us some peace, screens are going to be part of their lives so use them to your advantage.

Remember all children are excited on holiday, throw in ND and its a recipe for over stimulation. Not all of their behaviour will be through choice. Hang in there!