AIBU to feel embarrassed by colleagues discussing my relationship at lunch

[Yree]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months now post marriage breakdown. Only my manager and another colleague know this.

We had a team lunch earlier, my colleague who knows asked how I was getting on with him. I was quite vague in my reply other to say it’s going well and at a steady pace.

Another colleague then made an intrigued noise, asked me a load of questions about him and then followed up really crudely to ask ‘have you farted in front of each other yet’. Luckily my manager intervened before I could give a response.

I feel a bit peeved at A. My colleague bringing this up and obviously B. Other colleague asking such a personal/inappropriate question.

My manager sensed afterwards I was a bit peeved, and told me that I should have made it clear to her and the other colleague if I wanted this kept a secret.

I just found it embarrassing I guess, am
I being OTT?

Don't talk about your private life to people at work if you don't want your coworkers to talk about your private life at work.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. There’s a difference between it being a secret and having to be grilled about it at work over a dream lunch!

The farting thing is something used by people to judge the length/seriousness of a relationship. Not your cup of tea, obviously but it is what it is.

The thing is, why are you embarrassed by it and the fact that you are in a relationship? Why are you keeping it a secret! I know some people that are very private, however they wouldn’t be embarrassed about something like this coming out.

The comment was a bit crude but I think you’re being over sensitive. You now know not to confide in the work colleague that brought it up.

Unfortunately you can't discuss private life at work as people tend to gossip.

Bloody hell.
Yes I would be annoyed, mostly with myself for saying anything in the first place.
A is a moron.
B is crude and ignorant.

I would shut them down going forward and refuse to discuss anything private.

You mentioned to a colleague you had a new boyfriend. You're not married so I doubt she thought it was some big clandestine secret. And she just asked how it was going.

The second one who eavesdropped and acted nosy, you could've just changed the subject and asked them about their partner or a totally different subject.

The farting thing was clearly meant as a joke. It's not my kind of humour but it's hardly a terrible insult and you could've just ignored it.

Fart thing is embarrassing for the person who asked. What a tit. Otherwise, not a huge deal. People love hearing about a new relationship!

I'm glad your manager intervened. Asking about anyone and their habits or not of passing wind is unreasonable regardless of the nature and length of a relationship.

With your reaction, I thought the second colleague had asked you if you had shagged yet!

You’ll find out on MN, that sometimes the shagging happens way before the farting.

I can see where you are coming from, but - as so often on MN - you need to use your words and say something to make it clear you don’t want to discuss it and change the subject, not sit there answering questions you don’t want to answer. How are your colleagues to know that you are in a not wanting to talk about it rather than a wanting to share it phase? “All good but it’s a bit too early to discuss it. Has anyone tried a sandwich from the new place down the road?” “Fine thanks but I’d like to keep it private for now. Fred, how is your daughter going with her GCSE revision”.

That surprises me actually, mind you, I haven't been here very long! 😂

Exactly 👍🏻

Even farting whilst shagging 🤣

I‘m not sure what your issue is with it, but agree if you’re not someone who wants to talk about your private life at work then best not to talk to anyone there about it at all, as these things always get round! I don’t think your colleagues meant anything by it though. They’re taking an interest!

Now that I have definitely done! 😀

Ditto 🤣🤣🤣

I think the issue is most people don’t see the sensitivity. I’m sure you’ve heard people discussing their boyfriends, girlfriends, people they met etc, it’s not something that’s usually a big secret.

I agree with this really.

I think you should unclench a bit.

If you choose to be in a relationship with a work colleague you're opening yourself up to all sorts of comments, gossip etc it's the way of the World.

You have to be thick skinned and don't give them reasons to gossip, be polite and don't get drawn in to discussions about anything remotely personal. Politely shut down questions if they're too personal or excuse yourself from the situation - a loo break or forgotten an appointment etc etc.

🙂