Poor dd ignored

[Nomoressmores]

DD 14 is doing a fairly time intensive extra curricular activity.

The group has had a new leader for the past 18 months. At first, DD received lots of positive feedback, she was asked to demonstrate activities and told she set a great example for younger participants. She felt really valued and welcome.

Over the last 6 months, though the leader has more or less ignored her. Aside from a single well done in the autumn, there’s been nothing. It’s not just about praise the leader chats warmly with others but no longer engages with DD at all.

She’s effectively ignored, if not slightly ostracised. DD has plenty of friends, so that’s not the issue, it's that she feels she is no longer good at this activity when she has actually improved.

She told me today she feels the best she can hope for now is just to exist in the group, not thrive. She still loves spending time with her friends from the activity many from her primary school, so nice to still stay in touch.

She’s been made to feel invisible and it is taking a toll, undermining her confidence.

So AIBU to say something to the person running the club? Based on other people's experiences any feedback is pushed back and they act in a defensive way. Or would this be begging for attention which may be used against dd at a later stage?

What’s the best I can hope for when essentially criticising this person for not paying attention? How can I phrase it so dd doesn’t sound needy or loses face?

She will naturally move on from this group in about 10 months time.

YABU - say something

YANBU - Keep calm and carry on don't say anything, only 10 more moths to go.

Essentially if I say something, am I being precious, should dd at 14 just deal with it or does this require parental intervention. She doesn't want to quit.

Is it that she’s being ignored or that she’s so competent and self directing (as evidenced by the initial comments) that she’s left to get on with it because the others all need help/input/encouragement more than she does? Either way, she’s not happy, I doubt I’d say anything for the reasons you outlined. She’s going to move on naturally, as you say, would she think about moving to another group for that period of time?

Is it dance?

this is so common teachers can be so fickle.

ten months is a long time to dent your daughters confidence, you might want to start looking around at alternatives now.

Dd is normally very fun loving but also well behaved, she doesn't push herself in front of others. She tells me that the more she is ignored, the less she feels able to 'shine' or be outgoing with the person leading and engage in chit chat. Others make a joke and similar and this is engaged with. The twist is that dd can be very witty but feels unable to share this side of her in the group now as it seems the lead is playing favourites.

How can dd break this unfortunate cycle, if at all?

This might provide a great opportunity for your DD to stand up for herself and deal with a difficult social situation in a way that will help her in the future. She could ask to talk to the leader and say that she feels a bit ignored and left out, see what the leader says. The risk is that if the leader is immature then they may respond badly and make the whole thing worse, so it's definitely and 'approach with caution' situation.

I have been thinking the same especially at her age.

I do know that others have had difficulties with this person and there is a defensive stance to any 'feedback' no matter how polite and constructive.

There is a small chance that @ZookeeperSE is right and dd is seen as simply getting on with things but what grates almost the most is that she doesn't get the chats and jokes either, she has simply become invisible.

I don't know if it would be a good idea for her to say she feels ignored. If dd could come out of her 'exile' and start engaging the lead, that could work but she feels inhibited now and unsure.

That is a really tough situation, your poor DD. It sounds like the leader lacks a lot of skills and empathy unfortunately. I don't blame her for being inhibited, she's picking up on very clear signals from a leader who doesn't know how to lead. My guess is that your DD inadvertently said or did something and the leader is punishing her in some way. I know a few adults like this and there really is no point in trying to approach them as they can't handle criticism at all.

It may be that your DD has to just ride it out for the next 10 months. I doubt you getting involved will help things tbh.

So she's not in the spotlight anymore as much? Other kids are getting attention too??

Is this the case?

She is being completely and entirely ignored, yes.

In my experience immature adults who ignore anyone they don’t like are a) very easy to offend and b) when you talk to them about it they pretend it’s not happening. I would not put it onto your daughter to say anything, and if you say something, be prepared to have to leave over this, as it won’t be resolved like mature adults.

It's very unlikely that dd said or did anything to upset this person and the lead is still normal/friendly to me and dd's dad.

I wonder if dd just has to overcome this by herself and act more fun and outgoing with the lead? I am also veering to not mention anything and saying dd feels ignore will sound so petty and needy. But I would love for dd to enjoy the remaining time and for her confidence to grow.

Any ideas how she could get on lead's radar again? I do know that dd is doing well in terms of her abilities.

I said to her that she perhaps needs to come out of her shell a little at the activity and she said that she feels confident and capable but that she been stuffed into a shell from which she isn't being let out.

No child should be completely ignored.
To say though nor can any child expect to be in the spotlight all of the time. To have all the attention and praise. If they are used to that then if it stops then yes, the child will think there is something wrong.
Some children are super confident and coaches might think the last thing needed is actually any more praise.
They also might be focusing on children who are less confident and self assured.

I agree but dd was never in the spot light as such just got good feedback and friendly engagement, any attention was very much shared with others. She is quietly confident and there are kids in the group that are much more overtly confident and project this. Everyone in the group gets regular feedback and praise. My dd no longer does.

Could she ask for feedback on some specific aspect of the activity as a way of getting back on the leader's radar? If it's, say, art, for some feedback on her use of shading or any tips on getting noses to look right or whatever?

The leader probably doesn't like her much. Personality clash. Maybe they feel your DD is seeking praises too much so is going the other way around about it.

I am so sorry to hear that your child is having this experience. One important thing to take from it, is that sometimes your face just doesn't fit, with a company, a group or a person. There is nothing you can do to make it better, just remember that there are other people in your life who appreciate you, leave or accept.

If you saved the building from burning down the others who ran off would get the praise!

At first, DD received lots of positive feedback, she was asked to demonstrate activities and told she set a great example for younger participants.

It sounds as though she got too much attention at the beginning.

If it was regularly just her being asked to demonstrate etc another staff member or parent may have flagged it up and basically suggested that it was not right.

I had a situation where I was giving a bit more attention to one person because they were qualified in a certain area and was really confident demonstrating things.
Other people got jealous and it was implied that I was favouring this person and so I was very conscious of giving them too much attention and it resulted in me essentially almost ignoring them.

I wouldn’t say anything else it could go bad for your DD.
For now, I would tell her to just keep her head down and carry on and then think about mentioning something in a couple of months time.

I don't think so.

Is it possible that another parent has complained about how they may have favourited your child in the past and therefore the leader has responded by completely ignoring her?
I think I would have a chat with the leader myself. Probably just make it a ‘how is she doing’ kind of chat, maybe mention that she is not sure if she’s improving lately and is there anything she can be working on to prepare for the next level. You might be able to get a sense of what’s going on, if anything. Then I would just wait it out until she moved or possibly ask if she can move early maybe?

There is a small chance that something like this may have happened. It's what my dsis suggested when I told her. DD is not normally in the lime or spot light so we were pleasantly surprised when they engaged with her and asked her to demo some routines. Although other kids also did but not all. My gut feeling is that somehow dd is no longer seen as interesting or fun. Thanks all for your comments.

Still undecided whether to casually mention this when she goes back next week or accept dd feeling invisible and disgruntled for the next few months.

Do teachers ever change their approach to a child if a parent raises it as a concern? I just can't see it working but it feels rubbish to just accept it. Since the beginning of the school year dd has been confused why she feels no longer included by her?

The leader isn't horrible to dd or anything like that, she just seems to no longer see or her or consider her equally to dd's peers.

@msmillicentcat Thanks for explaining how a parent complaint like that can sometimes play out. Do you know whether the child who ended up being ignored or the parents ever commented on the change in how she was being treated?

i’d speak to the leader now, like the day before they go back or something so it’s fresh in her mind, and say along the lines of “dont tell DD i said this, but could you give her a bit of confidence and praise now and again it might help as shes needing a wee boost. it’s a difficult age. stuff happening. weve all been there. thanks”

A good teacher would be prompted to reflect on how they are interacting with all their students and consider if they have, in fact been ignoring one particular child. They should then adjust their methods accordingly.
This person doesn’t sound like the kind of teacher who will react like this though.
How much training or experience has the leader had in how to handle young people. How professional is it overall? The trouble with lots of activities for kids is that they’re sometimes run by people who have little training or the personality to really do a consistently good job.
Personally I’d be building up my own DD and waiting it out to move. Then when she left I’d politely let the leader know how she has made DD feel and that she might want to think about how she approaches her relationships with the children.

I think it was @Tacohill that talked about their personal experience with this ☺️

So if it's a case of not getting feedback then I would raise that side of things. Sounds like it's a dance club or something so if everyone else is receiving feedback on how to improve then your DD should too. I would put it across in general asking how she is getting on, as she hasn't been given feedback in a while so presumably she is doing well/making the grade etc.

I think this is a good suggestion. Swing it so it’s not a criticism of the leader but ask them to boost your dd’s confidence