Constant advice about parenting from my sister

[Happymum23]

Everytime I speak to my sister she has something to say or ask about what I’m doing with my child. My sister is older but has no kids. It’s got to the point I avoid her calls as I know something is going to be said.

Am I being unreasonable for getting annoyed. Sometimes it’s really obvious stuff asking me if I’m leaving my child with people and I have to be super weary of people even if I’ve known them for years. It’s anxiety inducing and sometimes feels insulting like I’m not an idiot or a new mum. She some times won’t ask if I want to go somewhere as she assumes I can’t as I’m a mum or that I would be tired as I am a mum and wouldn’t want to go. I would expect this from a younger person but my sister is over 40

has anyone else experienced this or is it something I shouldn’t be annoyed about ?

Is it possible that something happened to her as a child that she’s not shared with you? That’s making her feel like she needs to make sure you’re being safe? Unsolicited parenting advice is always annoying. I find it best to just nod and let it go over my head.

From experience, people with no kids often love telling you where you’re going wrong.

A childless friend of mine was often telling me how I should be parenting 2 year old dd1, who was a very good little girl, but according to so called friend, I should have been exercising stronger discipline.

So there was a thoroughly enjoyable Schadenfreude period a couple of years later, after she finally had her first - who despite her ‘perfect’ parenting was an utter little sod of a toddler!

That to me seems like she is over-anxious herself rather than interfering. I think I'd push back "Don't worry sis, I've been a parent x years now, of course I wouldn't do that" or ask her outright "Why are you anxious about that?" and see what she says. If you feel it's more interfering then perhaps distance yourself a bit or give her a few sharp replies along the lines of "What sort of parent do you think I am, of course I wouldn't do that".

I have pushed back and she just says it’s better safe than sorry. But with her logic I could easily say her partner is unsafe as I’ve not grown up with him and don’t know his intentions. I could even say the same about the nursery.

it really causes so much anxiety. Even down to the instagram video she sends about keeping children out of harms from a toy, technology etc

Either block her (and tell her why) or retaliate by constantly sending her advice about something she does that you don't...

Generally, me and my childless friends adopt the rule that you shouldn't give advice to people with DC.

That said the people benefitting from me not giving them advice are often keen to comment on my dog keeping.

Generally, a better rule is to ask open questions...and not assume anything. Tell her to do one, it's just a sibling talking shit, isn't it really?

Unsolicited advice from childless family members should come from a place of love and maybe your sibling has anxiety?
Smug advice telling you what to do in a vein of “I’d do a better job” is incredibly irritating, on the other hand.

What sort of things is she actually saying?

If she’s sending you safety warnings that are stating the obvious, I’d reply back gently pisstaking. Oh dear, I’d better not store my hot hair straighteners in her cot/let her play in the traffic/leave her on the bus any more, thanks for the tip…;)

When you say she doesn’t invite you to things, what sort of things? Frankly, she sounds quite hard work, so I’m not sure how bothered I’d be about that.

Is it possible this is how she shows love? She looked after you as a kid and it trying to do that? That might be why it’s triggering for you - reminds you of being a kid.

it does sound really annoying

"she just says it’s better safe than sorry."

Ask her how clued up she is on childhood mental health disorders, specifically anxiety.
There's got to be a balance between protecting children's safety and allowing them to fully experience the world and the people in it as the mostly safe place it is. Heavily restricting a child's experiences of ordinary daily life and interacting appropriately with known or new people prevents them from developing normally, confidently or healthily