To ask if anyone had these fears before TTC

[TTCmaybesoon]

Happy to move this thread elsewhere if there are any forums for people worrying about becoming a parent before they've even started TTC.

DH and I are in our early thirties. We have been together for 7 years and married for 1. I am v happy with our relationship. Financially secure with a mortgage (though we may need to consider moving to a bigger house soon). His family are generally great. Mine have been historically difficult, for reasons I won't go into lots of detail now. They have been getting better though - contact is medium rather than low atm and it seems to be OK for now.

BIL and his partner have a child with another on the way. Several of my friends have babies and another one has just announced her pregnancy.

DH and I agreed we would start TTC soon.

I am so scared.

It would be incorrect to say that I dislike kids. When I hang out with my friends and their children want to play with me, it's genuinely lovely. Not that I ever try to force interactions, but when they come to me and ask me to play and look like they enjoy it, it's really nice.

It's beautiful seeing my friends experience a new type of love. I want that for me and DH.

I am not naive, and from what I have observed from my friends and ILs, I am aware parenting changes your life completely and that first few years are exhausting. I am apprehensive about it, but DH and I are mentally prepared (or in the process of preparing ourselves) for that shift.

I'm just not sure I have the emotional skills to do it. Early parenting especially seem to involve intuiting the needs of a small person who can't communicate and doesn't have a schedule. It hasn't been easy for anyone I know, but I am genuinely terrified I won't be able to learn or form a bond.

I have a real visceral response to what feels like rejection. When I held my nephew when he was a few months hold, I couldn't understand how to support his head properly, and his cries went right through me and I had to hand him back. I can't explain the intensity of the distress and shame I felt and I had to leave the room so his mum wouldn't see me get upset.

Recently, a friend's toddler just refused to acknowledge me/say my name (my god, she was in love with DH though, plus she acknowledged every other adult present). I tried to make a joke of it, then tried to change the subject, but everyone kept trying to get her to say my name and after a while, I really wanted them to stop drawing attention to it and move on. I felt horrible after that weekend.

Another friend (in the same friendship group) has just announced her pregnancy and I am so happy for her but dreading another child on the way in that group. There are four women in the group, one with a toddler, one pregnant, me and another childless woman, who has been around a lot of babies in her life and knows exactly what she's doing.

DH is a far more secure person. He's not someone with a lot of hang ups. Several of my friends have commented on how good he is with their kids. And I agree - he's relaxed, childlike, warm and very charming. But sometimes they say it so much I start to wonder...is there a reason they're not saying it about me?

He reassures me I will be a good mother, but sometimes I think honestly what does he know?

I suppose I should talk about my family. Definitely the sort of family where the burden of raising children and keeping the family together falls on the woman. DF told me as a child I was cold. DM (a teacher) told me she thought I was autistic. Didn't get me tested. I was bullied a lot at school and didn't have many friends, so I accepted it all as true.

Paternal gran once told preteen me PPD was something only white women experienced.

Mum bangs on a lot about how long she breastfed me and my brother at quite socially weird times.

Sounds a bit weird and I am probs just being petty now but there's actually loads of examples like that.

Adulthood has been different. I made some solid friendships during and after university - people I would 100% call in a crisis and who I would move mountains for myself. I glowed up a bit and suddenly dating was easier too (not least because mum and dad weren't around to enforce their rules).

I guess I mention all this because I think my family has something to do with all these feelings. I suppose it is a cheap shot and I am blaming them. But I can't blame them if they have a point about me, but then I cling on to the successes I've had in my adult life as it's the only evidence I have that they were talking bollocks.

Sometimes I feel like I'm hiding something from my friends about who I really am and I am worried my interactions with their kids or my future children might reveal something.

I dunno what I want out of this post. Hoping someone knows where I'm coming from. Hoping someone will say something useful. But as time goes on I'm just thinking about this more and more and it leaves my in tears every time.

Please go easy.

Honestly? None of this will feel important any more when you hold your own baby in your arms.

Exactly what I was going to write. No one of have a clue what to do when that first baby comes. I must have read evedy book, googled everything and asked people when I was pregnant. None of it really mattered. It just clicked when I held them for the first time. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely, but my dd was fine and I just got more confident. I'm due again any day now and I'm not nervous at all even though I feel I've forgotten it all, because I know it will just work out.

Honestly all babies need is love, food and care. If you meet those needs, you are flying it. What you are describing is fear about the unknown and as for your family, you are your own person. You have the opportunity to shape your own road with your children, regardless of your past. Xxx

I was over 40 and 5 months pregnant with twins when I went to visit a colleague on maternity leave. She asked if I wanted to hold her baby I replied 'Only if it has a proper neck, I can't cope with those nodding dog, wobbly necks'. She laughed and said, 'Get used to it, you're going to have two wobbly necks to soon'.

My twins will be 19 next month. The first post sums it up. All that lack of experience, intuition, irritation with other babies and toddlers goes out of the window when you have your baby. Stop overthinking, you'll be fine.

Oh OP I could’ve written your post. I had no model for what good looked like and was terrified I would mess up my child. I still have days when I feel like that but as others have said, nothing else matters when they put the child in your arms.

i think it’s also worth normalising that there are moments when you will want to return them and get a refund. But those moments are so fleeting and they pass.

have you had any help or talking therapies at all? I wonder if it might really help you deal with some of this stuff

I have a DH who’s a natural. Kids adore him. I am definitely NOT a natural 😂 I remember really wondering if I’d bond with any baby we had.

At the 12 week scan, our baby was not in the right position and the sonographer was having a tricky time getting all the right measurements. At one point she laughed and said something innocent like “haha this baby is being so difficult”. Internally I felt so unbelievably defensive that someone could criticise MY baby 😂 And honestly, that feeling kind of never really went away… We have 3 kids now and I love them to pieces.

( Going off the weird breastfeeding places, I think it just randomly becomes one of the those odd things you remember. I can definitely remember a few ready bizarre ones - on a ride at LEGOLAND springs to mind for example…)

In terms of counselling, I have had some in the past to help with the problems I was having with my family, but not to do with this fear. I found it semi-helpful.

I have wondered if it could helpful to speak to someone specifically about my fears around children, but not sure what they could say to me until I actually have a baby.

Definitely seek help, there are many therapists who can help with childhood issues that may be relevant.

They can help you understand more about where this fear comes from and how to help yourself deal with it.

They can help you work out what type of parent you want to be, you don't have to do it the same way as your own parents.

Better to do this work before you have a baby if you have the funds as afterwards will be all about the day-to-day.

I didn't know how to be around children until I had my own I just felt awkward like I didn't know what to say or do. It's fine when it's your own its natural. I became so good with children that I changed careers to early years🤣

I've never liked babies. Never wanted to hold other people's and hated playing with toddlers.
It couldn't be more different with my own DD. Don't worry about it.
Also, your baby will go through phases where they prefer Daddy but don't take it personally, it's completely natural.

Kindly...You're overthinking.

You either want a baby or you don't.

What does your gut say your future looks like in 20 years?

I went through similar in some ways.
I always wanted children but got cold feet when i came off contraception.

I panicked that I'd made a huge mistake and for 6 months i stopped trying. then i got over it and tried again and got pregnant.

I think its normal to panic when the idea becomes real but just calm yourself down. if deep down you've always wanted a baby, sensible you is making a planned choice. Panicking is part of the process for some people because the wave of responsibility and change is very real.

If you genuinely don't know then definitely 100% EMPHATICALLY don't do it because its so hard and exhausting. My DC is 10 now and it has been varying stages of hard but always hard (even the good days, they might just talk constantly or drag out bedtime or whine... its just always something. So you need to go in with your eyes wide open).

And if you had a hard childhood it will bring up a lot for you. I found I was both simultaneously more forgiving toward my parents because they were just trying their best and probably really don't even remember what felt like barbed comments and defining moments of my childhood, but also quite angry at times because they sometimes did things that I would NEVER do as a parent and as my DC hits those ages I think.. crikey, that really was little and really wasn't OK.

So basically if you expect it to massively impact your mental health you won't be surprised so have a good support system and know that it's only worth doing if you feel in your soul that you NEED to.

I wouldn't change it for the world jut I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It makes you see the best and worst in yourself.

Honestly i Think you need to see a counsellor. There is a lot going on here. Having a baby trashed my mental health; I wish I’d been in a better place beforehand.

See, I knew that I didn't like children generally, and was variably good with them. But I knew that my own child would be different.

I grew up rurally, and I had a lot of responsibility for a lot of animals, so to me it was a natural thing into move into caring for a small critter that couldn't communicate and had lots of (often smelly and inconveniently timed) care needs.

But as PP have said, even though some things were as expected and some weren't, it wasn't much of an issue once my son arrived.

DH is a far more secure person. He's not someone with a lot of hang ups. Several of my friends have commented on how good he is with their kids. And I agree - he's relaxed, childlike, warm and very charming. But sometimes they say it so much I start to wonder...is there a reason they're not saying it about me?

I don't want to alarm you, OP but I think we may be married to the same man! 😂
Children have always gravitated towards my DH. He's definitely a more 'natural' parent than I am. I'm a good Mum, but I have to work at it. I know now that this is ok, but I felt insecure about it to begin with. Especially in the very early years when I was functioning on next to no sleep and had to keep hearing from everyone about what a brilliant Dad he was, while I felt like I was just trying to get through each day. Don't get me wrong, he is a great Dad but I also think the bar is set a lot lower for men when it comes to societal expections of parenting. They get a lot of credit for just showing up and loving their kids.

I'm Autistic (late diagnosed) and because of this there are elements of parenting I find particularly stressful that DH doesn't. It's taken me a while, but now I feel comfortable letting him take over in those situations so that I don't get overwhelmed, without feeling guilty or insecure about it. Neither of us is perfect. We have different strengths, and although we're very much a team, we also have our own unique bond with each of our children.

What I've realised is that my children don't need me to be perfect. My insecurities and anxieties about not being good enough are my own, that's not how my kids see me.

If you know you want children, then you should go ahead and have them, and it sounds to me like you'd be a really good Mum. But please know it's also totally ok if you don't want them. Personally, I would advise anyone who was on the fence about it not to have children, because it's very, very hard, even when it's something you know with absolute certainty you want.

You and your own baby will find your own way together. And It won’t matter about everyone else.
Or you could wait a few years if you wanted, think it through, chat to a counsellor? Or you could decide having children isn’t for you. I wouldn’t start trying to conceive unless you’re 100% all in.
I had my first baby age 35, I just wasn’t ready before then.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. This was very helpful and it's nice to here I'm not the only one.

Having read through your messagss, I don't think it's that I'm unsure about kids - it's more that the fear is eclipsing all the positives.

I have been toying with the idea of a bit of counselling and this thread has helped me see that it wouldn't be a waste of time to see where it takes me now before we start ttc. So I will definitely be booking some sessions. :)