To ask exactly how you get ducks in a row when LTB?

[DuckyDolittle]

I'm pretty sure I did it all wrong and caused myself much more stress than was needed, but it looks like I'm not alone. I read an article today that said women don't tend to know what kind of financial and legal preparation they should do before separating and divorcing

Of course we're all familiar with the advice to get your ducks in a row, so what does that look like in practice? What worked for you or would you recommend?

a job that isn't dependent on the person you are separating from. some cash savings. family support. important documentation in hand/safely stored (passport). having visited a lawyer ahead of time (so some knowledge of what is reasonable to expect).
knowledge of your own income/debt/savings/pension/ and if married some knowledge of that of your husband (not always applicable if unmarried) has.
although be aware all of these financial concerns can change at any time.

Basically getting all financial documentation together, seeing a competent family solicitor and planning for life on one’s own, e.g. finding accommodation and becoming financially self-sufficient.

There are books, such as Divorce for Dummies.

Like many women, I didn't get any ducks in a row. I grabbed some stuff in a few bags and got a loved one to pick me and DC up.

I did pack our passports, Birth Certs and DC's Red Book.

It depends if you are living with the guy or not and how much your lives are financially entwined.
Also if you have children that can complicate matters.

There's no "one size fits all" solution.

@Enrichetta gives some good advice at 2.47.

I think the documentation advice is at least old fashioned. Any official documentation can be replaced, and any financial information you’ve taken isn’t particularly useful. A financial disclosure form issued by the courts is used to settle finances and the court request their own evidence, they don’t use the other partners.

I also think it’s uncommon to “leave”- most families would struggle to fund 2 households before family home is sold

if you are in a position to put long terms ducks in a row then you must get your ow, full time job, including training or qualifications but that’s very much a long game and the sort of thing most people do before they’ve decided to leave.

"if you are in a position to put long terms ducks in a row then you must get your ow, full time job, including training or qualifications but that’s very much a long game and the sort of thing most people do before they’ve decided to leave."

This is why women should try to be financially self-sufficient and invest in a career before they get married.

I think the documentation advice is at least old fashioned. Any official documentation can be replaced, and any financial information you’ve taken isn’t particularly useful. A financial disclosure form issued by the courts is used to settle finances and the court request their own evidence, they don’t use the other partners.

it’s like no man has ever lied on his Form E…

What financial documentation is paper based now? Everything I have is online and the same goes for DH.

I give up… Documentation can be paper or digital. What is needed is evidence that the accounts actually exist so he can be compelled to declare them - so he cannot hide them!

But my question is relevant- if the only access to bank accounts or share accounts is digital and the other party doesn’t have access to them how will they get ducks in a row?

If you have time I would also add gathering up together all your work related stuff (laptops, chargers, phones, employment contract) and personal items that belong to you and your DCs (stuff you wouldn’t want lost or destroyed when you finally split). Some Ex’s can be vicious when the split happens will deliberately destroy/refuse to hand over important things.

When I told my ExH it was over, my DSis advised me to remove from the house my work laptop and phone, birth and marriage certificates, passport, driving licence (because of the inconvenience of replacing them) and precious personal items - things like jewellery from my family that although I rarely wore, I would have been sad to lose. My Ex noticed they’d gone, which sort of proved to me he’d thought about them even though none of them were things he’d normally give a second thought to.

If you know they exist your solicitor and/or the courts can compel him to declare the accounts and provide statements showing transactions and balances.

They still won’t accept your evidence instead

I think the documentation thing is just something people say without really thinking, like the passport thing- the vast majority of breakups don’t involve fleeing the country, or even the martial home.

yes you get high conflict divorces and abuse, of course, but taking risks to get paperwork you don’t need doesn’t seem wise. If you want to take photos of paperwork for your own documentation etc thats a great idea as long as it’s safe .

You’re correct that most divorces don’t turn violent or involve parties fleeing the country, but passports and DLs are very useful documents. Gathering important things can give you more confidence when calling time on a marriage. I was so glad my DSis had my stuff; it meant I could focus on the conversation with my ExH when I told him I wanted a divorce.

And gathering the info, even just taking photos of account numbers and payslips, can save time and help solicitors. My Ex lied on his disclosure forms but I had proof of several savings plans he’d opened that were paid direct from his salary and my solicitor was able to pursue information on these. I got a much fairer settlement as a result.

Too many women think their DH/DP ‘would never’ screw them over in a split but find out the hard way the ‘they will’.

fully agree with @MachineBee

A free 30 minutes with a shit hot lawyer is a must.