To ask if you started to fall out of love...

SweepingGeneralisation · 2026-04-08T19:27:13+00:00

...when you realised that your dh was a rubbish father? I honestly think we would have muddled along OK if we hadn't had kids. Seeing how disengaged he was, how he just left the actual parenting to me was like a slap in the face. Repeatedly. I lost respect for him, I think. I felt like I'd been let down. And just heartbroken. It took me 20 years to finally leave. Even now he is just so uninterested in our dc as people. Offers no guidance or support. Grudgingly pays towards uni expenses, but that's it. And *he* was the one who wanted children! But I think it was very much a tick the box exercise, the passing down of his genes.

Pebblesonthebleach · 08/04/2026 20:49

The opposite really - DH being a brilliant father was pretty much the only thing that saved the marriage.

ClawsandEffect · 08/04/2026 20:53

Yep. He was the one that wanted children. I didn't really but went along with it because... my husband etc.

Then he did nothing. And I struggled big time. DC got to about 5 and he started saying it was time to try for number 2. Was shocked when I said that as he did nothing with the DC we already have, there was no way in hell I was having another one with him. He knew me well enough by that point to know I meant it.

Our marriage was a whole series of 'Show me how shit you are' really but being a bad father was a huge, huge part.

Original poster

SweepingGeneralisation · 08/04/2026 21:15

Mine didn't do "nothing", but he only did the things he wanted to, or that didn't inconvenience him, or push him out of his (emotionally stunted) comfort zone.

It's as if he wanted a show family. And because he earned more and worked longer hours in an Important Job, I think he felt he had thd right to enjoy the benefits without the effort.

I have always worked too, bar 18 months after dc2 came along. I then worked part-time until dc2 was 8 and have bern full-time since, in a much less prestigious and less well-paid, but far more physically and emotionally demaning job. With the full load of parenting on top.

How can men not see that women are turned off by this? That it's completely unequal and unfair? Or maybe they do know this and it's the goal?

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Laiste · 08/04/2026 21:34

You stuck it out for longer than me OP. I did 17 years.

When i left him i spoke to each DC in turn to explain as best i could and they couldn't have cared less! They were excited to leave with me and were only concerned about if they would be staying at the same school and going to their clubs like normal (yes).

They reap what they sow, these men. This was 20 years ago. He's just a ghost from their past now. His loss, we're all fine.

weetabix80 · 08/04/2026 21:38

SweepingGeneralisation · 08/04/2026 21:15

Mine didn't do "nothing", but he only did the things he wanted to, or that didn't inconvenience him, or push him out of his (emotionally stunted) comfort zone.

It's as if he wanted a show family. And because he earned more and worked longer hours in an Important Job, I think he felt he had thd right to enjoy the benefits without the effort.

I have always worked too, bar 18 months after dc2 came along. I then worked part-time until dc2 was 8 and have bern full-time since, in a much less prestigious and less well-paid, but far more physically and emotionally demaning job. With the full load of parenting on top.

How can men not see that women are turned off by this? That it's completely unequal and unfair? Or maybe they do know this and it's the goal?

This is exactly me right now and I’m seriously debating leaving. Kids are only little!

ClawsandEffect · 08/04/2026 21:38

I think they believe that because we have taken their shit, that we will always take it. They don't allow for 'the last straw' effect. And in relation to sexuality, I think male sexuality is so different to womens that they're totally unable to imagine a time when they wouldn't want sex with the person that is available to them. Not realising that mostly, women don't function that way. And therefore they don't make the links between their laziness and lack of caring for a child with our feeling sexually attracted to them.

Original poster

SweepingGeneralisation · 08/04/2026 22:25

In hindsight I wish I'd left when the dc were younger. It seemed impossible, unthinkable. Emotionally and logistically more than financially. I actually remember the first time I googled a question about divorce. It felt like such a taboo. I felt sick with guilt at the idea of breaking up our family. I didn't leave for another 8 years.

It's like he kept himself apart. He wouldn't join in when the dc wanted to olay a boardgame, or if he did you could tell he didn't enjoy it. There was no attempt to get on their level. He would think of himself first, rather than us.

Maybe he felt disappointed by family life. I read somewhere that wanting to have children and wanting to be a parent are not the same thing at all. I'm convinced he only thought of the first.

I think ut actually boils down to his selfishness and lack of consideration for anyone but himself.

And yes, @ClawsandEffect , I think you're absolutely right.

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weetabix80 · 08/04/2026 22:28

SweepingGeneralisation · 08/04/2026 22:25

In hindsight I wish I'd left when the dc were younger. It seemed impossible, unthinkable. Emotionally and logistically more than financially. I actually remember the first time I googled a question about divorce. It felt like such a taboo. I felt sick with guilt at the idea of breaking up our family. I didn't leave for another 8 years.

It's like he kept himself apart. He wouldn't join in when the dc wanted to olay a boardgame, or if he did you could tell he didn't enjoy it. There was no attempt to get on their level. He would think of himself first, rather than us.

Maybe he felt disappointed by family life. I read somewhere that wanting to have children and wanting to be a parent are not the same thing at all. I'm convinced he only thought of the first.

I think ut actually boils down to his selfishness and lack of consideration for anyone but himself.

And yes, @ClawsandEffect , I think you're absolutely right.

I think this about my DH. He opts in and out. Does the bits he wants to, the bits that suit him. Zero support for me. I too have thought that I don’t think he enjoys being a parent. He loves the kids but hates doing anything for them. It’s sad

sallymonella · 09/04/2026 07:14

SweepingGeneralisation · 08/04/2026 22:25

In hindsight I wish I'd left when the dc were younger. It seemed impossible, unthinkable. Emotionally and logistically more than financially. I actually remember the first time I googled a question about divorce. It felt like such a taboo. I felt sick with guilt at the idea of breaking up our family. I didn't leave for another 8 years.

It's like he kept himself apart. He wouldn't join in when the dc wanted to olay a boardgame, or if he did you could tell he didn't enjoy it. There was no attempt to get on their level. He would think of himself first, rather than us.

Maybe he felt disappointed by family life. I read somewhere that wanting to have children and wanting to be a parent are not the same thing at all. I'm convinced he only thought of the first.

I think ut actually boils down to his selfishness and lack of consideration for anyone but himself.

And yes, @ClawsandEffect , I think you're absolutely right.

This resonates so strongly with me. Mine was exactly like this and I also wish that I'd left sooner. My eldest's child's has told me that he apparently felt relieved when his dad moved out. That is so sad.

Original poster

SweepingGeneralisation · 09/04/2026 08:31

Sounds very familiar.

Right at the end, just before I pulled the plug, dc2 said it felt like a single parent family. 'Dad pays for stuff but he doesn't know anything about us, and doesn't even care.'

I felt so sad for them. I don't doubt that my exh loves the dc very much, but he really didn't show it.

We're both in new relationships now and I think this set-up is what he wanted all along: a companion and lover to enjoy life with, part-time, and no longer feeling any pressure to parent, but still have children.

I also think, as crazy as it sounds, that he hated no longer being the sole object of my affection and attention. Men say women change after having dc. I think this is what they mean. In my case, in our relationship, I can hand on heart say I was the giver and he was the taker. So when dc came along and I couldn't give quite so much, the relationship suffered. And because he never stepped up, his contribution (time, energy, effort) never increased, and I had no more to give, things slowly fell apart.

And I resent the hell out of him for that, because at the end of the day I wasn't asking for much.

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ClawsandEffect · 09/04/2026 08:58

A microcosm of this when I had our child was that he said he was jealous of the child. The one he pressured me to have. That was his specific idea.

Original poster

SweepingGeneralisation · 09/04/2026 09:01

Omg! He actually said that?!

Reminds me of a friend whose dh forbade her from bf as he said her breasts were for him, didn't want them to "go all droopy", and baby would be fine with formula.

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Original poster

SweepingGeneralisation · 09/04/2026 09:03

Should probably add (before anyone takes offense) that breast and formula are both fine. What is shocking is that the dh thought he should be the priority. Obviously. Not the mother, nor the baby. Him.

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sallymonella · 09/04/2026 12:01

This is all so familiar! I remember having a conversation off the back of a TV show about who would you rescue first from a burning house. I said the kids and he said me. I was really upset that he said me and not the kids and he was really upset that I said the kids and not him!

NewIssueNewName · 09/04/2026 13:03

I have the reverse of this. Good father, holds down a job, but useless at everything else and a good few negatives (not abuse). Currently I am getting ducks in a row.

Pebblesonthebleach · 09/04/2026 19:15

NewIssueNewName · 09/04/2026 13:03

I have the reverse of this. Good father, holds down a job, but useless at everything else and a good few negatives (not abuse). Currently I am getting ducks in a row.

What are the negatives if you don’t mind me asking?

NewIssueNewName · 09/04/2026 21:33

Pebblesonthebleach · 09/04/2026 19:15

What are the negatives if you don’t mind me asking?

Show quote history

Terrible at sharing mental load. No contribution made to planning anything like holidays or planning or doing house maintenance or renovations. No financial sense nor responsibility taken for household finances. No self care- dentist, opticians etc. Gained a lot of weight through overeating and drinking. Dreadful snoring he won’t see a doctor about. Vapes, socially smokes tobacco and weed despite swearing he would stop over 10 years ago. My mum thinks he’s a functioning alcoholic. I’m not sure about that but he drinks daily and sometimes a lot.
At the same time he holds down a professional job, emotionally literate, my biggest cheerleader and a nurturing caring father.

NewIssueNewName · 09/04/2026 21:40

@SweepingGeneralisationI am pleased for you that you left and I hope your much happier!

@ClawsandEffect your words are very wise.

Iwantcustard · 09/04/2026 21:45

Oh my god, @ClawsandEffect - I had the same with the jealousy after the second child! I could not wrap my head around it and he'd been the one pushing for children too. Such a very odd, selfish thought to have, and then to voice it aloud! To the mother of said kids! Beggars belief.

Original poster

SweepingGeneralisation · 10/04/2026 17:31

@NewIssueNewName Sounds like really hard work!

I am in a new relationship with someone who feels more like a partner, even though we don't live together and don't plan to. He seems to take more of an interest in my kids' welfare, career plans etc than their DF, despite only knowing them for a year. He offers more guidance, is keen to get to know them, bond with them. They've never really had that with their DF.

Their DF pays their rent, contributes towards living expenses, and fills the fridge when they're home. But still complains on the rare occasions that we speak, that they don't tell him anything. But he never asks!

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