To buy ex’s child a birthday present?

[BaronHammer]

Hi all

I have 3 boys. 18, 21 and 22 with my ex. He was older than me (somewhat relevant) and we split not long after youngest turned 1. youngest then sort of became scapegoat child and he blanket him for us splitting up because he was a HARD baby but that wasn't the reason, he was abusive but in subtle ways and didn't do anything for the DC which I realised after him not helping at all. He was always much closer to the older 2 and called them his best mate etc and took them to football matches and tried saying it was because youngest didn't care about football but he didn't try and do something else with him either. But despite all this he's lovely and happy and doing well at college and probably the most caring child out of the 3.

Not long after we split he got with someone else (also younger) and had a baby quite soon. He's now 14, almost 15. He also split with his mum and she left her child and him for another man. Ex blames the child for this too according to my youngest.

My youngest has said he's often left to his own devices, he didn't get anything at all for Christmas (it wasn't a finances thing as my DS2 got a new phone which isn't exactly cheap and all the boys seemed to get something even DS3). DS3 has said he wants to live with me FT but at the same time doesn't want to leave his brother as he isn't close to my older 2 and he feels he won't have anyone to have his back. He told me he was crying on his own in his room the past Saturday when he went to give him an easter egg he had bought for him but wouldn't say what was wrong.

This isn't the full post but i don't want it to be an essay. He's told me his birthday is in a few weeks and he's asked for trainers and their dad has straight up said no he won't be getting them but it's my eldests birthday 3 weeks after so hes likely to get something and again it isn't a finances thing but if it were surely he'd put the actual child first? My youngest has said his brother does need trainers as the ones he's got are falling apart. He's been trying to save but he won't have enough as he's trying to find a job but as yet he's not found anything and the money he got for his birthday back in Jan has been spentjust £50 on himself and his dad asked for the rest and said he’d “give it him back” but as yet he's not got it back and he's told DS to stop asking as he's under his roof and eats his food etc

I don't know if it’d be overstepping to buy the trainers for his brother myself and if there could be repercussions from ex. wwyd?

If you can afford it then I would have to say, yes.

At 18, 21 and 22 I'd suggest they pool their money and buy their brother a pair of trainers.

You'll only cause trouble if you interfere and buy them yourself and I suspect you know it.

I'd say you get the poor kid the trainers and your DS's give them to him as a gift from them.

Your X is a real piece of work isn't he ?

My elder 2 aren't very close to the younger brother and are close to their dad so I doubt they'd do something “against” him

It's only youngest who wants to but he doesn't have enough money for the trainers the brother has asked for, mostly due to his dad having the rest of his birthday money

Then leave it.

Your ex will probably be embarrassed and take it out on his son, accusing him of 'telling tales'.

Your ex and his later ex are sure nasty. Your older two are condoning ex's poor treatment of his youngest. I'd have a talk with them about that.

I'd finagle some money to your youngest to cover the trainers for his younger bro and be quietly proud of him.

Maybe have him do a big chore for you for the money.

Can you your youngest the remainder money so it could towards the trainers?but it's from him not you.

Similar situation here and the gift was 'politely declined'. My kids were covering the cost for their little sibling to have a Xmas gift they had and the sibling desired.
Yes my X is a selfish dick saying no. It was coming from siblings with no strings attached 🙄

Sounds like a nice thing to do. Buy them and give it as a gift from your son to his brother.

Contact social services, this wee boys well-being sounds pretty neglected.

Also do your sons primarily live with your ex? Why if he's abusive?

Yes I’d also give his brother the money to get him a present, his dad is something else

It’s a kind thought but you’re proposing something that will undermine your ex’s parenting autonomy. If you had made a decision about your children and an unrelated ex ignored that decision you’d be justifiably upset

Just “remember” about birthday or Xmas money sent to your son from (insert random relative here) and suggest he can use this if he wants (and gift it to him). Or a random win on the premium bond you “bought him for his 1st birthday” that has never won before.

Poor boy needs more than a pair of trainers, he sounds miserable

I worry social services won't do anything and it'll come back on the child as they're already so underfunded.

My elder 2 do live with ex, DS1 left at 17 after he dropped out of college and I was trying to get him to do something but his dad didn't/doesn't care, and pretty much the same for DS2 he saw he was getting disciplined less and could do whatever and get whatever he wanted although he is doing something with his life unlike eldest (working with his dad but he will have be gaining experience for other jobs too). My youngest stays both hers and there pretty equally but has told me he doesn't really want to but he doesn't want to leave his brother

I would buy the trainers and give them to your son to give to his brother as a present from him. Ex doesn't have to know that you paid for them!

This. You could anonymously contribute to their pool.

I would buy the trainers for your son to give to his brother, from him. No-one needs to know about your involvement. DS3 sounds like a lovely lad.

Then I would contact his school and ask to speak to the DSL (Designated Safeguarding Lead). Explain that you know they can't give you any information, but that you have information for them about one of their pupils home circumstances. Tell them all that you gave told us and any other details that you have. If the school has concerns of their own, they will put everything together and decide whether to make a SS referral. You won't be involved in that at all but things may improve for the poor lad.

Tread carefully. As well intentioned as it may be, be mindful of the potential for unintended consequences.

Your ex has said no to the trainers. If his son receives them against his wishes anyway, what is your ex likely to do? Would he confiscate and/or destroy them? Would he punish his son for ‘going behind his back’?

What you’re proposing is very kind, but is it likely to create more problems for his youngest son?