AIBU to expect him to handle childcare while I work from home?

[Runnermumof2]

AIBU to expect partner to manage childcare of both kids while I am working from home ?

Context. It's Easter holidays so last week I took annual leave to manage childcare, this week he has taken annual leave. I work 4 days a week, three of those I take my youngest (18months) to nursery. One day a week I work from home and he is with me. It's really challenging! I used up a lot of annual leave to take most of my WFH days off, but now it's April and new financial year , I am saving annual leave for school summer holidays and half term. So I will be working from home today .
So far, I have got both kids up and dressed and fed. He has gone out to get milk and filled up the car planning a trip to the tip. He has taken youngests car seat out the car to make space.
Now I have no problem with that at all, thankful that some long needed tidying is going to happen.
But then he told me his plan for the rest of the day is to go to the tip with our daughter, take her to buy craft supplies, then do a second tip run without her and have her stay with me. Then deep clean the car out and tidy the garden.
Now all of those jobs are great and I really want them done, but our 18 month old is not included in any of it. I am expected to manage his care while working. AIBU to have expected him to also have the toddler and for me to work in our home office (for which he uses when working from home, but I usually balance a laptop somewhere out of reach of tiny chubby fingers)

He also has the next two days this week as annual leave where I will take our son to nursery, so all these jobs could have waited until then. I kind of feel he is deliberately doing these unsafe toddler in tow jobs today so that then next two days he will have a lot more free time when he just has our older child.

P.s. I start work in 10mins officially, so I'm planning on going into the office and closing the door like he usually does to see what happens. However, he does have an electric saw on the go right now in the garden, so can't completely shut off for safety.

I think you need to pack up your things and head to your actual office not home office!! He’s off so he should be looking after the kids! You cannot work and look after an 18 month old!!

Both dc are for him to deal with all day. Your working.

You need to ask him to do the tip run etc on the toddlers nursery days. Did you not push back when he told you his plans?
The trouble is you usually look after the toddler on a wfh day (which is ridiculous) so your PD doesn't see there is a real need to look after the toddler too.

One day a week I work from home and he is with me. It's really challenging.
Does this mean that you usually have your 18 month old at home with you on your wfh day? This could be why your dh has assumed he can make plans that don't include your youngest.
Whats the plan for this year. Working and looking after an 18 month old don't mix.

You cannot work and look after an 18 month old, or indeed any children. Today, or in your normal week. (Unless your job is childcare.)

The issue is that you DO look after the 18 month old when you are working (which you should not) so your H thinks it is possible.

So: should you be caring for children AND working? No, absolutely not, never.

Have this conversation with your DH, and have it today, and figure out how to get childcare for the day you are "working" and looking after the 18 month old.

Can you tell him you've got lots of calls today so need to be shut away to concentrate? I agree with others - if you've always worked from home with the 18 month old then he probably sees this as a good day to get things done and wouldn't expect today to be any different.

For the longer term, get some childcare sorted. I say this as someone who occasionally works a day at home with my 8 yr old in the holidays but that can't be a regular set up, especially for a toddler. You must be tearing your hair out.

Next time you should be the WFH one first and then you can treat him exactly as he treats you, and see what he says

I know. I couldn't get him in to a fourth day at nursery due to availability and I have him on a waiting list for a local childminder. But unfortunately because it's only 1 day a week they aren't keen and prioritise children that want more hours .

Oh 100% I have meltdowns more frequently that the toddler ! I have a flexible working contract so end up working after hours to fit it in . Thankfully my workplace are very understanding.

Well have you said any of this to him?

And what did he say when you said “No, those jobs will have to wait until tomorrow as you have both kids to watch today”?

This is crazy. Stop being a pushover! Either ask him how he’ll juggle it with the toddler or smile and say “sounds busy! Well done. I’m going to work in the coffee shop to stay out of your way.” He’s taking advantage of you and your employer.

This sounds like a communication issue to me.
you normally look after your 18 month old in conjunction with wfh (and I'm glad you've acknowledged that this is the actual issue).

So, unless you've explicitly said "your plans need to include looking after the 18 month old", it's not unreasonable of him to assume that you are happy to look after the child as normal.

Thanks guys, yes I definitely need to work on my communication better. He took him for an hour this morning and I got a lot done. Now the sun is out they are all outside playing , so I think I was making an issue before it actually happened. I'm definitely working on a long term solution now that we have hit the new financial year and annual leave won't stretch to cover the day. We don't have family to help , but I do have a SAHM with a similar age child who comes over often to entertain while I work and then I return the favour on my day off. It's such a juggle !

I feel the struggle. Work 5 days a week from home and am expected to fill all the gaps when holiday club is a half day/ sick kids etc. I couldn’t wfh with an 18 month old at all and have no idea how you’re doing it beyond working 16h days. Your boss must be super understanding.

but all this is besides the point. You need to tell him what you need. Lots of men (most) are a bit literal

As you do WFH with the child he clearly thinks it’s very doable.

Simply say no and that’s that. He’s home, he parents.

I WFH part-time with my DC from 8 months til the age of 3, it was so hard. I was really fortunate my DC was a big fan of sleep and til the end had a chunk of my working day asleep.
You need to communicate with your DP that it's not actually a long term solution til nursery open another day.
He needs to coordinate his annual leave to cover some of the days you work from home, even if it's one a month so it's spread out but it takes the pressure off you and your productivity isn't affected.
As a side note, once he's actually having to take on the shared load of the childcare he'll realise the toddler is his responsibility when your working, if he isn't.

Yanbu! You can't work properly with an 18 month old to look after, I'm surprised your employer allows it usually.

My children are 11 and 15 so I do sometimes work from home with them here, but if dp is here then they are his responsibility all requests for lifts, food etc are entirely up to him. I'm at 'work' I'm not available.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to expect your husband to be taking care of your son but I think you’re being unreasonable to think you can work from home with a toddler. I work from home full time but never with my child.
In your situation I would have done an extra day in the office this week and left my partner to it.

Of course you f**king aren’t being unreasonable. As if you have to ask. Sort it out!

God, it sounds like a massive juggle.

Pre pandemic nobody would have been expected to try and work with a toddler to look after. Sodding late capitalist nonsense dragging every second of productivity out of us and bleeding our wealth into private equity-owned nurseries.

I know it's a systemic problem not you taking the piss, but is there any way of having more sustainable childcare? this sounds mad and as though it will make you ill and annoy your employer.

I could have written this! It's taken me years to get my husband to realise that toddlers can't do DIY. I'm not sure if it's lack of common sense or avoiding responsibility or a lack of respect for my working hours. He's always so proud of himself when he tells me what he has planned, but not thinking of the impact this will have on me!

I drew a line under it once and for all when he volunteered to go to a meeting on a day he had taken off. I was working from home and he just assumed he could leave the baby with me. I said flat no. He was furious and ended up having to take the baby to the meeting (it was at his bosses house, and was internal/indormal). Anyway he didn't get much done and learnt that babies don't mix with business. He's not done it again.

It's not fair on your kids to be with you whilst you're working, how can you give them the attention they need? Absolutely ridiculous of him to plan things not involving the children whilst you're working.

Can't you go into the office?

Ask your husband to step up. Be very direct.