To think my mother could have been just a little bit more enthusiastic about the news that I'm pregnant

[purplehairpiercedears]

So, on Sunday I found out that I'm pregnant with dc no2. I phoned my mother to tell her that ds is going to be a big brother. There was a pause and then "Oh".

It's not the best time, i know that. We are not in a very good financial position, and dh and i are not getting on brilliantly, but the pg wasn't planned and at the end of the day, these things to happen.

I mentioned her lack of enthusiasm and she said that the only reason she was less than happy was because she knew how much I struggled with ds (???) and she doesn't like to see me struggle because she loves me so much. She doesn't feel like she's supporting me very well at the moment (because we had the temerity to move away from them) but there have been opportunities to support us, and she has - but it's not been with particularly good grace (although that could be all in my head, of course)

It's really upset me, tbh, and yes - I've namechanged. She does have a tendency to stalk me on MN, and I don't like bitching about another MNer particularly, but MN is my support network and I need some help with this.

my mothers response on telling her about dd....... she cried because i'd ruined my life

on telling her about ds........ told me i'd never have a career or a life and i was too young to be throwing my life away like this 'and you know it could have something wrong with it, how would you cope then?'

haven't told her about dc3 yet...... think i might leave it til after the birth this time!

aww i know how that feels my family werent exactly overjoyed about hearing i am preg for the third time, i know they are worried, but perhaps congrats first...THEN a chat about the worries later would be better!

Congratulations!

PinkTulips - that's shocking!! Won't they guess when they see your expanding abdomen though?

Yes, congratulations first would have been nicer. And then maybe a chat about how they can support us - if they really want to, that is.

pinktulips do we have the same family?? i had those comments. along with his a waster why are you having dc with him blah blahblah

ok so the relationship between xp and me didnt last BUT he is great with his dd and they have a great relationship.
also am now studying to get a career i tend to try and prove people wrong where i can.

CONGRATULATIONS

My mother - thrilled but worried ( due to my age, let's just say over 40!!)

Mother in law - less then happy, to put it mildly, she hasn't spoken to me since I announced our news at 12 weeks and I am now 20 weeks!!!

Suits me fine, I don't get on with the old bat anyay....but I do find it hurtful that she doesn't even ask after me when she speaks to DH...

congrats

as longas your mum isn't usually horrible - gve her a break - you are her child after all and she is worried for you naturally

xxx

you will remember this in 30 yrs time when your dd/ds phones you with the same news and you are older and wiser and ever so practical My mum cried btw at news of no. 3. I mean really sobbed. She is fine really, she just cares about me!

Congratulations and you know she will love the baby when its here x

purplehair... i managed to hid the last preg til 21 weeks as i didn't want to tell them til after the scan gave me the all clear for SB. it's in the family and i knew she'd just spend the time before the scan freaking me out about the possibility of the baby having it.

am feeling rather dunb as i haven't firgured out who you are yet [blonde roots]

Custy - my relationship with my mother has never been what you would call smooth, but i know she loves me dearly and i hope she knows i love her too. It's just that her unenthusiastic response doesn't change anything - i'm going to keep the baby regardless (and she wouldn't want me to do otherwise, i know) so the cold shower achieves nothing other than making me feel shit! I know it was an instinctive response rather than one designed to hurt - which is why i wondered why i was BU IYSWIM.

I think i have overreacted - certainly compared to some on here i have nothing to complain about!!

and thank you all for your congratulations - i'm feeling more excited than shocked now!! Can't wait for the scan!

purplehair, I would like to add my congrats too.

Before you ask your mother for more support, it is possible her lack of enthusiasm is primarily due to the fact that she EXPECTS you will inevitably ask for more support - when she does not feel she already does a good job with ds and could not possibly help with his sibling as well?

blueshoes - it's a possibility, yes. But the thing is, that the reason i think she feels like she's not supporting us well atm is because of the distance. I don't really ask for her support (we have asked for financial help - but that is a whole 'nother thread!!) but i would like her to have a good relationship with her DGC, for their sakes as much as hers. The problem is, because I work a 5 day week at the moment and they don't drive it can be very difficult to arrange a time that's mutually convenient.

I think another part of it is that there's very little practical help that she can offer - when we lived round the corner she would come and help me tidy up, or help with the shopping (and vice versa) but it's so much harder now and the main help that she can give us is financially. I know that sounds horrible - but she says "I don't feel like i'm supporting you well," and i don't like to tell her the best way she can support us as it sounds grabby and greedy.

Perhaps if we left support - practical or financial - out of it, and just concentrated on having fun with the kids we'd all be a lot happier!!

maybe she feels guilty that she can non longer give you the practical support that she used to, and knowing your having problems makes this harder for her.
i'm sure if you have a fairly good relationship normally she didnt mean to offend you. perhaps she's worried about you and if she's that way inclined to feel guilty cos she knows you need support, and prob a bit more once baby comes and because of the distance she cant help as much as she'd like IYSWIM

purplehair, I think it would be a good idea to not discuss any form of support with your mother until the news sinks in.

I am sure your mother thinks along the same lines. She is worried and knows you will need support. But the only practical support she can provide is financial. If there was any reason she could not provide it, then she anticipates a potentially ugly situation with you.

In the meantime, she might offer (or not) but that is up to her.

I have just changed my contraceptive and my mum turned round and said to me you'll end up pregnant YOU don't want anymore!
I have 1 son and what does it matter to her anyway!!!!!!
ITS MY BODY AND LIFE

Soz I had to get that out.

When I told my dad I was pregnant with my first child having been happily married for 2 years and of child-bearing age, he paused, then said in a shocked voice: Oh. Do you think that's a good idea? What are you going to do about it?

So I said: what do you mean, what am I going to do about it? I'm going to have a baby.

And he said: Well it's just that you're not the most maternal of people. Your sisters I could understand having babies, but not you. You're like one of the Valkyries (which I had to look up to realise he meant a Norse goddess riding a winged horse carrying away slain men). Nice.

Congrats by the way.

'That's not good news is it' was my mothers reaction when I told her I was expecting DD1. I was only 23 but was married with a good job and DH and I were thrilled. Looking back I think she was just unhappy at being a grandmother at the age of 46. She did not exactly brim over with enthusiasm 2 years later when I told her I was expecting DD2 either. 'Are you ever going back to work?' However when my sister told her she was pregnant 6 weeks before her wedding 2 years ago she was thrilled!!! I was really hurt , not that she was thrilled for my sister, but that she never extended those feelings to us.

I have learned to live with it and moved on but my mil's reaction when sil got pregnant at the same time as me made it very hard. She was over the moon for her daughter. Oh well.