AIBU to worry about my nearly three-year-old's behaviour towards her sister?

[saltnvinegararethebest]

I’m worried about my two year old DD. She turns three in June and I’ve always struggled to manage her behaviour around her sister, who is five.

If DD1 has something, DD2 wants it. She is very, very persistent in charging after DD1 and screaming and trying to take it from her. I obviously don’t permit this but it’s incredibly hard to manage, especially when out and about. For instance, today they both chose ice creams and as soon as they were opened DD2 was honing in on her sisters, trying to take it from her and screaming MINE. I didn’t let her but then no one enjoyed the ice creams as DD1 practically had to hide from DD2. On the way home DD1 spilled a bit of her drink so I told her just to take her t shirt off. DD2 then tries to take hers off, going absolutely nuts because she can’t. It’s very draining and I feel bad for DD1. I also feel worried that maybe she’s just demanding and being very honest here a bit bratty although logically I know this isn’t true.

I don’t really enjoy spending time with them both as a result. I had hoped things would improve as DD2 is now nearly 3 but it doesn’t feel like it’s getting any better.

What consequences do you apply for this behaviour?

Do you lay out expectations clearly ahead of time, with a clear consequence and then carry it through?

I'd also say pick you battles. If one DD is topless, why not let the other one be? That seems like an argument that could have been easily avoided.

Considering she’s 2 this probably won’t end for a while yet. Pick your battles, if she wants to take her top off then let her. Be consistent with your reactions and don’t make a huge deal out of it, it will pass eventually

I’d be interested in what consequences I should have, genuinely - I am stumped. At home I can contain her to an extent but I can’t if we’re out somewhere or if I’m driving.

I wouldn’t have been bothered if she’d taken her top off but because she couldn’t she was screaming so much and it is so distracting when you’re driving.

I guess it’s just so relentless.

Your answer suggests there are none.

Time out, go to your room, sit on the naughty step? Ever used any of them? Even a 'no, you have your own ice-cream, stop shouting'?

In what way do you signal disapproval of her behaviour?

I can’t really do those out and about.

I do a time out at home but it is very difficult as she screams hysterically. I have to sit in her room with her or she’d just break out. Often as soon as I’ve taken her out she makes a beeline for her sister again and the possession, and the whole thing is repeated over and over, it’s horrible for everybody.

I understand the struggle, Firstly, your daughter is 3- terrible toddlers I call them! It's something that just happens and in my opinion girls can be harder to bring up then boys (don't hate me its just an opinion!)

My son is 5 and has autism which is obviously different but it means I understand what its like to be out in public and try to enforce boundaries. Unfortunately, there is little you can do when driving but perhaps try keep the kids entertained by making up an interactive game that both the girls can participate in!

But whenever you can, at home and even out and about you should try to enforce boundaries- its long, hard and challenging but persistence is key! 😀

Thanks. I do think we’ve been pretty consistent but this has been going on for months without any signs of waning and it is so so frustrating.

That sounds like hard work! I wonder if she’s discovered (my phone autocorrected to diva 😂) that this is an excellent way to get your attention?

I appreciate some discipline measures are tricky when you’re not at home but I would have no problem being firm with her that she has her own ice cream and needs to leave her sister’s alone, and following through with an age appropriate consequence - perhaps that her ice cream is removed until she calms down.

Do you use a buggy when out and about? If so, I’d definitely consider putting her in it when being difficult, or (she strikes me as a DC who may dislike a buggy) that she will have to go in it if she won’t stop. But I think this is a very appropriate age to start introducing consequences and explaining what will happen if she continues, and then following it through.

If she’s distracting you when driving, pull over as soon as it’s safe to do so. Tell her you can’t drive like that and so you won’t set off until she calms down.

Good luck!

I think this is pretty normal toddler behaviour, it's a stage and it's not fun but it will pass. A firm no and an immediate consequence (remove her from the room, or remove yourself and DD1, ignore screaming/tantrums - you only feed it by trying to reason with/tell off) Do your absolute best to stay calm, give your attention to DD1 and ignore the dramatic tantrum. Be consistent and accept that it will take time for her to grow out of this stage.

What you can do for DD1 is carve out as much one on one time with her as you can. Do you have a partner? Can you divide and conquer at the weekend so you get time to do something with just DD1? Can you put DD2 to bed first so that you have some one on one time with DD1 in the evening?

I don't have an answer for you but my 2yo (3 end of may) daughter is exactly the same with my 5 yo.

Wanting the other ice cream seems perfectly rational when mine spent 20 mins screaming about a piece of gravel and a daisy her brother found and was holding this morning 🥴

When she's calm she'll explain perfectly what we've told her to do, how to ask for something nicely, how it's not kind etc but in the moment she couldn't care less if the cars stopped and we aren't going anywhere til she stops screaming or time outs or any other consequences.

Solidarity @saltnvinegararethebest it's exhausting!!

Well I’d have taken her ice cream off her for a start. The t shirt incident I would have stopped the car when safe to do so, got out and helped her take her top off and had a firm word with her about screaming when I’m driving.

Time outs and naughty steps are no longer recommended and she is likely too young to make the link between the behaviour and punishment. Natural consequences work far better IME ie 'sister doesn't want to play with you anymore as you were mean to her'. I think you just have to ride it out with a lot of 'I can't let you do that' and removing her from the situation.

You say you can’t do consequences when out and about. You can. And the fact you obviously don’t means she’s ruling the roost.

if you are out she has her ice cream taken away. Or she can’t go and play in the park she has to sit silently on a bench with you (don’t interact and make that fun 1:1 time she has to sit and you don’t interact) or you have to leave and go straight home or if she has a favourite teddy on the outing it has to go away in your bag due to her bad behaviour. Give her a warning…

x if you do not stop shouting now and trying to take y’s ice cream you will not have any ice cream. You can also prempt the behaviour when in the queue for the ice cream get on her level and say each of them can choose 1 ice cream and that is the one they will eat and set out your expectations. Then the one reminder if it happens and then eat her ice cream yourself or bin it. She’ll soon learn it’s you in control.

screaming when driving is dangerous. I once lost my temper big time with my two arguing in the back after they distracted me and we nearly had an accident. I stopped the car and gave it to them both barrels about the danger and consequences. They are now always quiet when I reverse out of my driveway as I have told them calmly and reminded them regularly that I have to be able to concentrate.

she is still very young but habits and behaviours are learnt and kids quickly learn what happens if they behave badly, which in your daughters case is very little

Firm word 😂 good one.

Yes, you've posted about this many times.
I wonder if the problem is that you don't seem to like your younger daughter, and she picks up on this.

A 2 nearly 3 year old is capable of understanding a very firm “no we do not scream” with a stern face.

@saltnvinegararethebest Sitting in her room with her isn’t a consequence, she’s getting mummy all to herself.

If she breaks out, you put her back. This could take hours the first time (watch Supernanny persevere with this - YouTube), but she’ll eventually learn how to behave herself as you’ll not be putting up with her nonsense.

I used to put my DCs facing the corner (or even just a flat wall) for a set period. My DS was around 3 or 4 and was misbehaving in Nando’s, he said quite confidently that I couldn’t put him in the corner as we weren’t at home. I explained being at home or not I could, he continued so he stood facing the wall In Nando’s. It looked odd tbf but it worked he never misbehaved whilst out again. He’s 17 now and a delight to be with. Stand firm with your consequences OP.

Their brain literally shuts down when they are screaming and upset. They cant take anything in, in that state. Time outs and naughty steps or any kind of punishment is unreasonable, for a 2yo. They are learning. Sitting with them till they calm rather than shutting them out, helps them learn and not feel shame for natural behaviour.

Long sentences, too many words will not help. Short direct statements, and telling them what to do, rather than what NOT to do is meant to help.

All of this is stuff I have learned and found helpful so far with my very 'spirited' 3yo.

Yeah, they’d understand it for sure but the next day, when the same thing happened again would it stop them from screaming? I suspect not, given their age. I agree it’s good to tell them what’s right and wrong but at this age it’s unlikely to actually stop them.