I have a narcissistic mum, part of me wonders if she is mentally beginning to mentally decline (in her 70s). Both myself and my sister had eating disorders and other issues by the time we left home. We didn't want for anything growing up, but mentally my mum was a piece of work. On paper it sounds obvious, go no contact. If I do that though, I cut off my dad, who I love dearly, but has no backbone, and somehow tolerates/likes her. My parents are joined at the hip, if I am lucky, I get my dad alone on a call once every 6 months. She is always right there.
In my 20s, I moved far away from home, went to therapy, mentally got stronger, battled my ED, and for the most part am now ok. I did very well for myself at work (very high up in my field), have a great DH, lovely DC, and the best dog I could have hoped for. My parents came to visit us recently, and it wasn't great for anyone. My mum clearly hates that I am successful. I know deep down it comes from her own insecurities, but anytime my dad brought up my career successes, she likened my job to a ponzi scheme/bringing the world down, and asked several times if I was worried that I would be arrested one day (which as truly bonkers). For background, I work in a heavily regulated financial sector and am squeaky clean, definitely do not do anything illegal, and our company would never do anything wrong, I literally help set that tone from the top. She constantly brought up the fact that she was shocked that I answered emails and calls out of hours, that my children went to school and after school care. Constant comments were made of "well do you think it is fair your husband has to bath the children because you are doing x?", "how is he able to cope with the dinners?". She talked about my sibling constantly, apparently the sun shines out of his arse and always has. He is in my opinion a deadbeat dad who disappeared for years from his children, and didn't give his ex-wife a penny as he decided just not to work for years. He relies on my parents financially, therefore he talks to my mum, and she controlls him.
There was a fallout on the last day of her visit when she chose do to other things than come to family dinner and see my children (and hadn't seen them that day in general). After I told them why I was upset, she refused to aplogise, then tried to gaslight my dad into guilt tripping me into moving on. I finally received a half hearted apology a full day later down the lines of "I'm sorry you feel this way". She is well known for not apologising no matter how wrong she is. It is all round just sad. I haven't responded to her message, and now need to think what to do. If I cut her off I lose my dad, my children lose both grandparents, and today I am wracked with guilt at calling her out on her actions, literally sitting shaking with anxiety. It kills me that after 20 years away she still has this effect on me.