AIBU or should you have a financial exit plan in a relationship?

[Thundertoast]

Hoping this discussion stays good natured as I think its a really interesting, important topic!

I am very financially risk averse and don't have kids, so im slightly in awe of those who've got to consider childcare in the event of a breakup as well as housing and everything else!

So my AIBU is:

AIBU to want society to normalise openly having a financial 'backup/exit plan' in the case of relationship breakdown, rather than money being a secretive topic and you being seen as a pessimist or somehow not invested in the relationship for wanting to make sure you can leave if you need to?

What planning did you do? Have you tried to talk to your children, your friends about this? Have you observed different attitudes from different genders? Curious whats normal or not, as divorce is normal in my extended family so we are 'preppers' by nature!

If you are planning to live together and have children yes absolutely. The idea that you wouldn’t talk about money is antiquated.

Putting yourself at risk of dependency on another human being for your financial security is a fool’s errand. Marriage provides some protection but even this isn’t a failsafe.

Absolutely agree. We should all try to be prepared for when things go downhill for any reason and that includes divorce and separation.

I always try to drum it into my kids too that they all should have their own savings/investment plans as well as joint when they start earning and when they go on to get married.

My parents always pushed for me and my siblings to be financially independent regardless of being men/women. They were happily married but always stressed the importance of being financially secure and having a back up plan in case things go wrong.

But the plans havnt always worked out for everyone.

(Divorce was extremely uncommon in my extended family, so no life experience in that sense. Just natural preppers I guess)

This might raise a few eyebrows but I actually do have secret savings that DH doesn't know about. It probably totals about £5k right now. I don't anticipate needing it any time soon - things are great and we have a lovely life. But I am old and cynical and not so naive to think that he couldn't still fuck off with his PA and start a second family or something.

I think you need to do this through earnings- a job that pays well, qualifies for a mortgage, gives you a pension and don’t give it up if you have kids.

Honestly unless you’re renting and need a deposit for another place but not other long term outgoings savings aren’t going to help much. How is £10k secret stash going to help long term? You need regular, sufficient income to have true freedom

Personally after not really thinking about it that much we both had some savings not a secret but I hadn’t saved enough realistically and after a long term break up I’d say yes. As I am now more financially vulnerable. I said this to my friend last year and she was calling me cynical and having no faith in a relationship etc. hers is now on the rocks and really want to say so do you think I’m being cynical now…her partner did not want to share finances by all accounts (obviously I won’t say anything! But it did change my perspective)

100% agree. Savings on its own are not enough and quickly deplete if there isn't anything sufficient in place to replace it.

I've never prepared for a relationship break-up. What I believe in is being financially independent and having separate savings and personal bank accounts. Same goes for DH and this is what I'm teaching my children.

Why are there so many threads about relationship exit savings today?

Yes this ^^

I don’t have any sole savings (and neither does he) but I earn more than him and could switch my salary to a sole account any time. My income just about pays all our current bills so although things would be much tighter I could definitely afford to survive alone.

This is what baffles me about couples having all their money joint, someone could easily fuck over the other person by clearing all the account.
I have my own savings and investments as does DP, they aren't secret but we don't have scrutiny of the other persons. Why wouldn't you?

I completely agree. I could never pool all finances.

I know in marriage the pot is theoretically shared in a split anyway but it is so important to have something somewhere that’s yours and yours alone.

Even if you think you trust someone 100% bla bla bla. You can never be sure.

I was 100% inspired by the other threads to start this one!

Me too. It might raise a few eyebrows but I like to have it "just in case".... you never know what will happen, one day you might just want to disappear and need the means ready to do so.

It’s all I see on here so it’s pretty normalised for those who can afford it