Break up pending, holiday planned.

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I’m after some hand holding and advice about plucking the courage to leave a (low level) up abusive relationship.

ive posted before about my DH who swears at me / berates me in front my girls (4yo). We’ve had a few years of built up resentment, and he seems to believe that despite the fact we both work, because he earns c 5x what I do, he’s exempt ect from anything else. Over the years every time I’ve tried to talk he’s gotten nasty. We’ve been in separate rooms for months (he banished me after a row.) and he’s totally unwilling to do anything to repair. He did however book a holiday for the end of the month to paper over the cracks.

Today we’ve had a row in front of my daughter where he’s totally disrespected me, mocked me, and told me I need to decide whether or not I want to be part of the family. (Ridiculous)

anyway, despite the fact it will be very very difficult, i think I’ve decided that I can’t subject my kids to this toxicity anymore. But I feel now he’s booked a holiday that it’s an added pressure to either break up before so we can make a plan, or go knowing a break up is pending. Im spending far too much time in limbo land but I need to be positive it’s the right choice.

its somewhere I’ve always wanted to go, and will never be able to afford it by myself. But it’s probably totally wrong of me to feel like I want to go? I also don’t want him to take the girls by himself because he’s never had them for more than one night by himself!

AIBU if I go? Or should I call it and miss out.

It sounds like it would be a lovely holiday if only you didn't have to go with your arsehole husband.

The fact is that there is never a good time to end a marriage. Now or later. Itll never feel easy.

You could go on your holiday and you, and your DD, would spend the whole time walking on eggshells. Be in no doubt. No matter how well you think you might be hiding it, your DD will have picked up on everything.

Depends whether you think you can be civil for the duration of the holiday and actually enjoy it despite the circumstances? My parents took us kids on a trip abroad shortly before they separated and we had a great time but it was an amicable split.

I would just go and have the best holiday with your kids and ignore him. The dump this awful man. You will feel so much better knowing you had this holiday all paid for by him.

I can’t imagine the holiday with him will be any fun, regardless of how lovely it might otherwise have been. You should decide what your timeline would be if the holiday didn’t exist, and go from there. Spend your time between now and then making plans, taking legal advice etc

Just don’t go.

Don’t go. Use the time to get organised and ready to separate. Spare your girls from this excuse of a man.

Do not go on that holiday. If it's overseas, the last place you want to be is in another country if he decides to be a prick. You need to separate ASAP.

My friend went away with her husband when they’d split up, albeit he’d cheated on her, and they all had an awful time. Their child was about 7-8 ish at the time and she even now 10 years later remembers how awful it was.
i may perhaps tell him to book a separate room for himself if I was going to go, and take the children on different activities every other day so you both get every other day each to yourselves

I'd try to work out whether you and your daughter are likely to enjoy it.

Holidays are usually fun, and you say it's somewhere you have always wanted to go.

Is he likely to ruin it, or is he the sort of guy that will probably put on an act of decency while you are away.

(You don't have a crystal ball and can't know for sure - but what do you think is likely).

If you think you will probably enjoy it, I would have no qualms at all about going, and starting divorce proceedings on my return.

Is the holiday in the same country you live in?

Does he tend to ruin days out and holidays?

What are you plans in terms of housing, will you be leaving the house or him?

I'm not sure if risk a holiday with him whether you are still sharing a roof by then or not, and definitely not if it's a holiday abroad!

Your dd needs a peaceful home and a happy mum more than a holiday and the same goes for you too.

Thanks all for the replies - he’s not the sort of guy to ruin a holiday no; hes the sort of guy that can have a go at me, say some awful things then the next day act like nothing has happened. Pattern occurs every few weeks but we never ever seem to move forwards when I try to communicate how toxic it is.

so if we go away, it could be absolutely fine, we might have a nice time but it’s obviously not repairing anything it’ll be a moment in time of niceness, which we do have. But fundamentally communication is so bad I can’t see us moving forward in any healthy way as I feel so strongly about the way he behaves in front of the kids in particular. He’s never nasty to them, he never raises his voice with them. But has no issue reprimanding me in front of them.

in terms of breaking up we aren’t married but 5050 on the house but he’s made it clear he won’t sell it for a couplr
of years. I have my own salary and plenty of family I could stay with. Life won’t be easy, I’ll have no money but my gut is telling me I need to go.

Has he definitely booked for you to go with them? I’d want to see the booking.

Yes he has, he doesn’t want to break up. He thinks there’s nothing wrong with his behaviour

OP, I think you answered your own question in your last but one post ,when you said, 'my gut is telling me I need to go'. If that's the case, then forget the holiday, get out, and start moving on. Just because at this stage in your life it may look unlikely you'd ever be able to afford this holiday alone, it doesn't mean that it will always be that way, anything could happen, you could receive an inheritance, make major progress and be promoted at work, meet another man who has even more money than this one.

🤣 I like this.

Him booking somewhere he knows you'd love at the same time as asking you if you want to stay in the family is just another act of control. For that reason I wouldn't go, but i might not tell him until the day.

I have to say that thought has crossed my mind… is it slightly manipulative booking a holiday when clearly things aren’t good between us!!!

Burn his passport and go alone with kids?

Just leave. Your gut is right (guts are always right). Forget the holiday. If you can afford to go, you can afford not to go. Just leave, the situation is not going to get any better. There will be other holidays.

I've voted that you are being unreasonable.

You are unreasonable to stay in this relationship a second longer than it takes to leave safely. Your DD is witnessing fights and whether you realise or not, it's teaching her that this is acceptable behaviour.

Leave, forget this holiday. Let him lose his money on anything that can't be cancelled.