AIBU to decline a midweek cousin's wedding abroad?

[Puppypleaser]

I’ve been invited to a cousins wedding. It’s midweek in and abroad so involves 3 days off work , away from the family and probably about 1k in cost.

I haven’t seen the cousin in question for about 20 years and although I would have seen my uncle quite a bit when i was younger , we literally never meet now unless we bump into each other on the street. My brothers have a good relationship with him and see him relatively regularly so they are going.

My brothers and mother (she’s not invited, divorced from my late father) are trying to guilt me into going because of ‘family’

AIBU to hold firm.

I do a couple of girls weekends away during the year so it’s not like I don’t head away or don’t have the money. I just don’t want to give the time and money to this.

You're not unreasonable not to go but your cousin isn't unreasonable to have invited you or to be upset that you prioritise girls weekends over her wedding.

Posts like this make me a bit sad though. I never understand why people are so disparaging about people wanting to prioritise their families.

Doesn’t sound like a priority . No thanks

I find weddings abroad unreasonable in general.

Is it somewhere you could combine it with your family holiday?

If not, say no. You're really a courtesy invite after 20 years no contact.

Honestly it is up to you, you hardly know this cousin now and a wedding is a commitment, it is absolutely fine to wish them well and decline,

I am old and i have cousins i haven't seen in 40 years, it happens.

It's up to you. When I've gone to weddings abroad we use it as our family holiday and go for 7 or 10 days

Thank them for the invite, It would have been lovely to see everyone after so long but unfortunately you can't make that week. I am sure they won't be upset, they may well just be extending a courtesy invite anyway.

I've declined wedding that were technically within walking distance.

YANBU.

I’d politely decline. You haven’t seen in 20 years! And onto say hi to uncle of bump into them. I’d hazard a guess that you were invited because your brothers (who do see and have relationship with them) were invited and they thought it would be bad form to not included you.

Your girls trips aren’t relevant and not their business.

If it was a regular uk close by venue then I might suggest going to keep family relations up but not £1k abroad trip!!

There's only so much effort I'd make for someone I haven't seen for 20 years. You aren't important people to each other, you aren't a meaningful part of each others lives, you're effectively strangers.

What’s it go to do with your brothers (who can go if they want) or your mum (who isn’t even invited) whether you go or not?!

Sorry, I won’t be able to make it.

Weddings abroad are just a way of couples passing the cost of their wedding into their guests, fine if that’s what you want but it’s totally acceptable to politely decline.

Might be nice to have the time with your close family though if they are all going?

I'm in a similar situation, can't manage the time off work as 4 weeks prior I'm on holiday abroad for 2 weeks so I can't a month later take another few days off and I've not seen this cousin for 20 years. I can tell the rest of the family don't support my decision to decline. I'm holding firm. I haven't heard directly from this cousin and I suspect they were forced to invite me given we are not in touch and haven't seen each other in so long.

I have a lot of cousins , I don't think any of mine would be offended if I didn't attend their wedding , just rsvp so they know you are not coming and ignore the pressure from your family . I would send a card if you felt like it .

They’ve invited you out of politeness. They will be delighted if you decline I suspect.

It’s a courtesy invitation and besides it’s no one else’s business. No way would I travel abroad for a relative I’ve not seen in 20 years, that’s madness.

If you don't want to go, don't go.

Many people wouldn't be able to afford it, and that's the risk you take if you plan an expensive wedding/one that requires mid-wrek absence from work.

If invited to a wedding on a weekend, I will do my best to attend it the price is not prohibitive, even if I am not that keen.

But if getting there cost a grand, and required me to miss work, I wouldn't feel remotely bad about declining. I doubt you will be alone in this, unless all of the family/friend group are very well heeled!

Family and guilt tripping can jog off. I don't go anywhere if I don't want to. No need for excuses or lies I just say it's not really my thing.
As other say it sounds like a polite invite to make up numbers if you haven't seen them for 20 years.
As for most of h's relatives never of us would walk 1 minute to the end of our road to see.😄

I am not at all disparaging about family though. I’ve travelled to the US and to Portugal for weddings of cousins I have a relationship with.
I just don’t really want to expend the time, money and energy on a wedding of someone I haven’t seen in 20 years.

It would be nice to spend the time with my brothers, yes.

Other close family won’t be there - the family is quite fractured due to issues many many years ago - nothing to do with this younger generation though.

I'd just do a polite note to decline - prior engagement/unable to get leave - whatever excuse you want to make and ask them to send you the present list. Buy them a decent present and wish them well.

Anyone I know who has a destination wedding has said one of the factors of it being away from home is the hope that fewer people will actually come. OP they've invited you because your DBs are invited, but YANBU if you don't attend. I'm sure a card and gift voucher (if you are inclined) will even further soften the blow.

We live ‘abroad’ our wedding was ‘abroad’ because this is where our people are. Close friends and family from the UK ie parents, siblings etc we ensured could make it and paid for a lot of them.
We invited other family (aunts, uncles, cousins) out of politeness in the hope they really wouldn’t be able to make the £ 2000 pp flight and 27 hour each way trip because we were having a pretty low key event and would struggle to accommodate them. We were frankly delighted when they all declined gracefully.

Decline. Wish them well and think nothing of it.

Surely if the cousin wanted to prioritise family the cousin would have made an effort with the op?

I assume the cousin invited the op as the brothers were being invited and the cousin didn't want the op to feel left out by being the only one not invited. That was nice of the cousin but I would assume they don't really care if the op goes as they don't have a relationship with her and she is not close to uncle.

OP - I'd say you're fine to decline. Just tell your mother and brothers it doesn't work for you. Send a card and, if you feel the inclination, a small gift.

You know you feel you don’t want to go.
i was the opposite i was invited to a cousins wedding who i last saw at my own wedding 20 years previously. I didn’t expect to be invited but the invite was sent out 6 weeks before. I’d loved to have gone and catch up with extended family, it was in my home country Ireland but a lot had to be organised first