Friend making tips

[Brownchairy]

I’ve read lots of posts recently where OPs have difficulty making and keeping friends and I think the responses included good tips for people in that situation.

AIBU to suggest that those who are socially successful provide some further advice here - what do they do that others don’t do, that leads them to have a wide and active social group?

From my perspective, it’s being easy going without being a pushover and not expecting too much, particularly early in the friendship. Think about the kind of person you want to be friends with and ask yourself why someone would want to be friends with you.

Will be following this thread with interest. I’m not saying Im wildly socially successful 😂 but I do have a reasonable circle of friends. I think for me you have to approach people with interested curiosity- don’t assume that someone isn’t your type. Also take ‘risks’ - if you meet someone who you’re interested in being friends with suggest exchanging details / meeting up. If they say no or don’t seem keen chalk it up to experience and move on! Theres also a really interesting guy on Instagram called The Loneliness Doctor - he has some brilliant ideas.

If you want to keep friends don’t be consistently flaky / bail out of stuff. It’s my number one bugbear 🙄

I don’t have much advice tbh, but just wanted to say that this is such a lovely idea for a thread.

I agree @Batties❤️

I agree with what you've said OP. I know people who struggle with friendships due to ND and I think they don't realise they're being quite demanding or full on at times.

you only control one side though yours.
It all depends on them too.

Friendships take time and investment. I find making friends easy as I am a good listener. If I talk about myself, it’s usually in a self-deprecatory way. I ask questions and remember stuff from one visit to the next. If someone is struggling, I will make time in my day to text them to know that I am thinking of them. I also enjoy a good laugh.

This is actually quite hard work at times, esp with busy jobs and kids. I’m in my 50s now. But as I look at the years ahead, and I see my ageing parents, the ones that seem to do well aren’t the ones with lots of devoted children. It’s the ones who have a good social network. Hopefully that time is still some time away for me, but I do see having a good network of friends as vital for mental health.

My friends are not perfect but neither am I. We compromise. I also say to my kids you can’t get everything from one friend, but as long as you are getting something positive from each friend, then that’s enough.

I see that increasingly many people say how much they hate other people and they just want to be left alone. I do wonder how that stacks up when people become elderly and frail. Loneliness is a killer.

The other thing I am is reliable. If I make an arrangement with somebody, I never let them down, unless I’m seriously unwell. It is a message I have given to my kids too. That you do not cancel on someone just because you can’t be bothered or even worse, a better offer has come along.

I think a lot of it is about whether you click with someone as well. In the past I didn't realise (also ND) that I wasn't necessarily having a good time with someone or that I might not be good company but that it isn't necessarily one person's fault. I know people whom I like but wouldn't choose to spend time with... so don't force it.

Good idea for a thread and good post from you, OP and @lolawasashowgirl. I agree with what you’ve both said. I agree about ‘interested curiosity’, thinking about the kind of person you like and what they would find to like in you, and, if you meet someone you actively like, putting yourself out there to suggest a coffee etc.

The other thing I seem to say a lot on threads about friendships is ‘Don’t assume the rest of the world is a big, undifferentiated mass of identikit people’. There’s a tendency on these threads for a lonely OP to say ‘I just want someone to go for coffee with, and have girly spa days with’, as though they have a friend-shaped hole anyone could fill.

People are individuals. You won’t like everyone, and everyone won’t like you, and that’s fine. We’re back to ‘Think about the specific kind of person you like and what you might bring to a friendship with them’.

Again, people struggling with friendship on Mn often say ‘But I’m nice! I’d do anything for anyone! I look after their children and do errands for them! Much less nice people have friends, so why don’t I?’

People-pleasing doesn’t work in terms of making friends. The people pleaser bustles around doing things for others because they’re afraid of the discomfort saying no would bring, often for people they neither like nor respect, and seething secretly because they’re not getting friendship in return. This wastes their time and puts off potential actual friends. I mean, I don’t need help, mostly. I don’t need you to look after my child or drive me to hospital at 3 am. Most of my life isn’t an emergency. I will want you in my life because you’re interesting.

(I’d never admit this out loud…) I seem to attract people who want to be friends, and sometimes I think, “oh…here we go again!”

What helps me:

• Show up if I say I will- no flaking. Ever.
• Be genuinely curious and listen.
• Mirror people a bit (ADHD + people-pleaser vibes).
• Stay relaxed- knowing I already have enough friends I think somehow makes me more approachable.

nice idea for a thread....
I think for me, it's that I actually really like people and I think someone always has an interesting aspect to them - so I love to chat - anywhere. Yes as a PP said - ask to meet up or swap numbers if you get on with someone! And follow it up... I have lots of lovely friends from all walks of life- but I am not of the opinion of one 'bestie'. That is too intense and teenage for me.
Thinking on this, my points /tips would be:

1. Reliability - always keep to good time keeping, good communication and don't let people down.
2. Don't talk about yourself too much - listen and ask!
3. I like to hear about my friends children/work/pets and I am genuinely interested - I care.
4. Mirroring - this is a weird one, but if I want to make someone comfortable - mirror. This means if they are seated, you sit down. If they have a coffee, have a drink too. To the fine nuances - if they tilt their head when talking to you, do the same. It shows to them you are listening and engaged (yes - maybe too deep)
5. Never ever bad mouth to other friends - unless you are ending the relationship (even then I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself). I HATE this - people arent perfect of course - so accept someone as they are or move on!
6. Offer help of course, but if it becomes continually one sided - back away.
7. Kindness costs nothing...
8. Lastly - to have a friend you have to be a friend.