Is this unacceptable?

[Valeyard15]

DP regularly refers to our youngest DD (15) as a 'little shit', not only under the breath, and to me, but to her face. DD can be an opinionated so-and-so, but i find this horrible and think it is having an effect on how DD herself communicates. I am very close to losing my temper about this as I hate it so much. AIBU?

We call the dog that when he misbehaves, totally inappropriate for a teen girl. Does DP think it's an affectionate nickname?

You surely KNOW you’re not unreasonable to not like this.

It is totally unacceptable to speak to a child like that, and you know it.

It’s undermining.

Absolutely not acceptable.
He is not even bothering to hide his contempt for her

Have you told him it's unacceptable you didn't mention you have. How long has he been saying it. The first time he said it you should have told him you never want to hear him say it again.

That is horrible.

Please advocate for your daughter, they’ve got enough shit in the world to get in their heads that they are unlikable

No, calling your child names is not ok. They internalise what their parents say about them. Hear it enough and she will believe she is a shit, her behaviour will get worse, her self esteem will plummet

For a sense of balance, and I fully understand that people here will object to this, because nuance is dead. I don't have a problem with swearing in general around teenagers. And I don't have a problem cutting through their bad behaviour using language they use eg "stop doing/being a shit" which is different to "you are shit". The behaviour is bad, they are not.

No, I haven't. We've both let her down.

What do you mean you are close to losing your temper ?!
Lose it ! stand up for your child. You need to be her voice and advocate for her. by doing nothing you are complicit.
Is this man nasty in other ways also ?!

Why haven't you ever raised it with him? Are you scared of him?

I have a teen that age and I think that's a horrible way to speak to her. I can't believe you didn't call him out the very first time if you hate it so much!

It’s verbal abuse. Why are you just sitting there letting him say that without you speaking up and defending her?

Close to loosing your temper…
I would have gone batshit the first time he so much as uttered those words

Why have you not told him that it's totally unacceptable for him to call your daughter that? Are you afraid of his temper?

That's terrible, and also only likely to worsen her behaviour.

I think the advice is to name the behaviour rather than the person 'the way you are behaving right now unkind/selfish/disrespectful'. Try and get him to do that rather than name calling.

Or just to walk away when he is feeling triggered by her. I think we can all agree that him calling her names is not ok, but it's figuring out strategies to get out of that pattern, rebuild their relationship.