used to want a relationship so much, the family unit, the shared life. I had some horrendous experiences with men, some really terrible ones and others that I only realise now, looking back on, were quite shit.
Worst things were being left in pregnancy, years prior to that being with a men who one day hit me (I left soon afterwards), a man who when I thought I was pregnant demanded an abortion… even when I look back I had a ‘decent’ boyfriend at university but actually he used to pressure me into sex acts I didn’t want to do. Lots of emotional abuse which i only recognise now as I’m educated on this behaviour.
A few weeks ago I was groped in a supermarket queue. The list goes on.
The scary part is that these men were all professionals (think doctors, lawyers, teachers etc). They seemed to be from stable backgrounds. On the face of it you would think they were decent people with a conscience.
Since having my Ds who is now 5, I am 39, I have dated a couple of times but men just disappoint me. This is not how I envisaged my life, I deeply wanted that family unit with a husband, for as long as I can remember. But even at work, again respected men in their profession, I notice things that I didn’t in my twenties (or maybe it’s worse now?!). The misogyny is rife. It’s awful.
Of course I know there ARE decent men. In the same way I know there are awful women too. But I can’t face the shit you have to go through to try and find someone. I worry I will regret this for all sorts of reasons, it can’t be nice to grow old alone. I am fearful of it if I’m honest. Will
i regret not trying harder?