Wife calling husband manager, unable to make any decisions for herself

[Westside1]

I was away recently with a group of mothers and their children and one of the women constantly went on about how her husband booked everything for her, she seemed to take great satisfaction out of telling everyone, calling him her manager. It was like she was unable to decide what to do or where to go without husband telling her, eg she decided to go to a show, husband had to book it etc. She has a role in management so it’s not like she’s completely clueless. Husband was at home in a different continent. I personally think this is crazy behaviour or maybe myself and dh are in the minority where we are able to make our own decisions about things. Thoughts please?

It sounds more as if her husband / “manager” is acting as her Personal Assistant

It doesn't sound like she doesn't make decisions, it sounds like she has her husband do all the donkey work! I'm drawing the opposite conclusions to you.

She sounds a bit spoiled and likes that her husband "looks after her" it wouldn't be for me but if he isn't controlling or abusive then it is up to them really.

I have friends like this, you chat about the cost of insurance for instance and they say "0h,my Fred deals with all that sort of thing". Women who have never paid a bill, have no idea how much their fuel costs, I wonder what will happen if Fred dies first.. some of them have very responsible jobs.. it was pretty normal in the 1950s. All our bills are in joint names..

Urgh. I have contempt for people like this.

This is a cautionary tale of how people need a life before marriage and a life outside marriage.

Nothing more pathetic than people who can’t function without a spouse.

she pulling the learned helplessness act?

I’d be more worried about controlling/coercion tbh. Is he booking things because she has no access to money, for example, and is only allowed to go where he books?

I’d be inclined to have a quiet chat, ask her if everything’s ok. Say you’ve noticed she doesn’t seem to have any control or ability to act without her husband’s permission. Direct her to some women’s aid charity.

if she is in a controlling relationship then you may help. If she isn’t she may at least realise that this is not something to brag about constantly and not normal in an equal relationship.

But she decided to go to a show? So she did make her own decision. my dh can cook but I cook every night, it doesn't make him helpless. He books the hols because I hate doing that. I love that he does it. I know someone who dosnt fill the car with petrol- her dh always does it. The dream. I hate doing it, such an inconvenience, smelly, ugh. I don't mind doing the bottle bank though. So I guess to each their own. I'd have great satisfaction if I've outsourced the crap I don't like. Kinda lik meeting someone who only likes coconuts and fudges in quality street and leaving all the orange and strawberry cremes to you. Also do you assume her manager means her superior?

I don't understand why you say she is unable to decide when you go on to say that what happens is that she does decide, her husband then does the booking etc. Surely that's just the way they decide to divide the chores in their marriage?

Managers don't do donkey work like booking trips etc, and make decisions on behalf of their employees? They give them tasks to fulfil.

I don't know if she knows what a manager is? Which seems odd when you say she works as one professionally.

I'd just ignore it personally. It makes her look foolish and weak but if that's how she wishes to portray herself then let her get on with it.

My DH descibes himself as my chore whore.
He does pay all the bills and sorts out the house and car insurance etc. He earns massively more than me. We both have equal access to our joint account.
I don't bully him into it, he chooses to take on that role.
He tolerates my dog who costs upwards of £350 a month.
We are individuals and tomorrow me and dogboy are setting off to drive to Southern Spain.
We booked the hotels and ferry together. My task is getting the dog there legally and safely

My DH sorts out my car insurance and MOT, he cleans my car. I book all the trips and sort out utility bills. We could both figure out how to do the other but we don't need to right now, it works as it is. Does your friend do things for her DH? Equal contribution isn't always doing 50/50 on each task, quite often it's taking full responsibility for specific tasks.

I have lost count of how many 'I dont work because my husband doesn't want me to work' or words to that effect

Where is the self respect?

Turkeys voting for Christmas.

Its even more important to work if your husband doesn’t want you to than it is if he doesn’t mind.

Isn’t it obvious that there’s no positive motive for your partner wanting to keep you in economic dependency.

I despair that people still find this endearing/charming/romantic. Its control, pure and simple.

Any man who doesn’t want his wife to work should carry a huge portable red flag.

I do know what happens to women like this. They rock up at CAB (if they can) with a carrier bag of paperwork and look completely lost and very, very unhappy.

The most I've ever heard this was caravan folk. Lots of my DH drives, tows, hitches the caravan, I can't do it, normally accompanied by a smug smile. I did wonder what happens when DH has a medical issue and they're stranded, I assume they get rescued by another man?

If dh decided to go to a show he can book it, and pay for it himself! I’m not spending my time on something he wants to do.

that’s not division of chores, that’s a PA.

I know exactly what happens when Fref is no more.
They turn to friends. Mum and I could not believe that her educated, well employed 60yr ol dfriend had absolutely no idea how bills work, how much they are, how to sort them out etc.
Nothing. Mum spent hours, days and weeks helping to sort the friend out. She actually had to tell the friend she can't help anymore because mum was now becoming Fred....

Sometimes I think these women think this makes them look endearingly ditsy, without thinking through that quite a lot of women will just think they look daft.

There's lots of jobs in the house that I prefer not to do, like putting the bins out, or refilling the wiper fluid in our cars. DH does them. It doesn't mean i can't do them, and I do worry about women who genuinely cannot do things for themselves. What on earth happens to them if their husband dies?

tbf though @Westside1 you have no clue as to their family dynamic, he may well be a controlling type and she dresses it up as "so helpful".

Wouldn't work for most of us, I do agree.

Up to each individual as to how they conduct their marriage and no one else's business

I disagree.

My pil had an “odd” marriage.

wish we’d dug deeper earlier as by the time the red flags lined up we realised mil had been trapped in an abusive situation for years. With no way out.

we bought a house with a granny annexe and removed her as soon as we could. After that even more came to light- as per o/p she could not do anything unless her husband or other son booked it for her- they had complete control of her money and her life.

i put yabu as i can’t imagine you are a pleasant person if you’re bitching to your husband about your friend over something so minor.

Thank you so much for all the replies, great to get others perspective.

He probably did it all with enthusiasm to get rid of her for a bit.