AIBU for noticing this double standard between the two sexes?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Correcting my last post using the there sex instead of gender:

Do you think societal expectations put more pressure on men to prioritize their spouse over their family of origin, especially their mom, compared to women? For example, if a mom gives a gift to her married son but not his wife, and he accepts it without comment, he's seen as a 'momma's boy'. But if a woman accepts gifts from her own mom, it doesn't reflect on her marriage or MIL's view of her. Is there a double standard here?

No. I think men are socialised to leave all the social labour to women. Birthday cards to holidays. And because women are expected to do all the work, they naturally pick their own more.

You said in the last post you’re young and childless. If you bring your children up to have equal social labour, they will do it differently. First idea… marry a man who does housework.

I also feel like MILs are often expected to shift roles and prioritize their son's wife over their own relationship with their son. It's like they're supposed to forget they're the mom and become this supportive MIL figure. And if their son vents about his wife, there's this unspoken rule that the MIL should defend her DIL or shut down the negative talk. Meanwhile, a daughter vents about her husband to her mom, and her mom is expected to offer support and validation – not defend the son-in-law.

No, that’s just bollocks.

Where are you encountering these expectations? I think most people are pretty pragmatic about the fact that their in-laws will always prioritise their own family when push comes to shove, even if they are absolutely in the wrong. 🙄

Like I said in real life amongst my social circle

Maybe women need to stop playing the martyr and use theit voice and dont leave all the thinking to men, women dont want to buy cards and presents for inlaws then don't

But even deeper than that if a MIL buys a gift individually for her son just because of to recognize it’s all, “but they are a married unit your son is married blah blah
blah.” But if a mother gives her married daughter an individual gift it isn’t going against the family unit and isn’t seen as an insult to her relationship with her son in law

Well I don’t. But there was a lot of pressure in my first marriage. Sexist nonsense.

Thankfully the current MrPratchett is wonderful.

You keep going back to this very very specific example.

Maybe just say what happened…

No I don't think this at all. Most men can't be bothered to do much with their family. Often women are bothered. So in a straight couple, naturally the women's family is usually around more, because the wife is inviting them. My ex is a prime example, he just literally wasn't bothered with his mother even though they get on well with no problems. I could do many things for him, but having a mother son relationship with his mother for him wasn't possible.

I’ve seen posts on here that support what you are saying op and I think you’re largely right. No one would bat an eyelid to a woman having daily phone calls with her mum, but a man having daily phone calls with his mum would receive a different reaction.

I saw a post on here in the last few days where a woman was upset that her daughters MIL bought Easter Eggs for her son and her grandchildren but didn’t buy for the daughter (then allegedly told one of the grandkids it was to do with the mums weight). If the husband had posted saying his wife’s mum bought her an Easter egg, their kids but then left him out, he’d be told he was entitled and shouldn’t be expecting a gift. Yet quite a few posters were saying the MIL should have bought them both something.

There definitely is a double standard. There’s an old saying isn’t there? Something about a son being a son until he takes a wife but a daughters a daughter all her life? Like it or not, it’s true. I’m a mum of 3 boys, and I’ve been resigned to knowing that once they’re all adults and out in the world, I am unlikely to be as close to them as I have been whilst they’re kids. So I’ve made the most of the years I do have with them, and tried to make our bond tight whilst it lasts.

YANBU.

But that's your sons fault if that happens. It's not societies fault, his wife's fault or anyone's but himself. Do you really imagine any man is sitting there thinking "I wish I could call my mum right now, but I can't because of society".

We have to stop blaming "society" and even worse, blaming women, for men being lazy.

Rather than speaking in sweeping statements with your assumptions about the entirety of society, why not share your first hand experience @OneFirmBlueShaker and see if others relate to it?!

My dh does his own presents/ cards etc for his family and we see them on his organisation (around once a month.). I see my parents weekly (sometimes with dh sometimes not)
The only thing I notice is there’s an expectation with his family that I will attend every time whereas with my family I’ll often see them when dh is at work or take DS and dh chill at home.
My parents only give me gifts on birthdays and Christmas and same for dhs parents. But if you notice an expectation that wives expect equal recognition from pil it likely stems from the fact that often they are putting in a lot of time and investment on behalf of their husbands and may be miffed if it isn’t appreciated. Whereas men rarely make equal effort to build a relationship so they expect less back .

My brother speaks to my mum every day. I don't.

I actually paid her mortgage for years so that she could stop work to look after my brother's daughters when they were little.

There's different examples of different dynamics and you seem fixated on one situation.

I haven't found this. But I do know that if I message my brother about holiday plans, meet ups, photos of my nephew or whatever, I'll either get nothing back or he will ask me to check with his wife. All of that work is left to her.

'Going against the family unit' if somebody buys a gift for their child. Who the f* cares?
If any woman said to me that her MIL had bought her husband a gift and that this was somehow against her family unit I'd think she had lost the plot.

It's more like "Jane (MIL's name) bought Steve (dh's) name something. It's nice." Or simply not care.

It isn’t. On here you see it all the time. If a man wants to spend time with his mum the ‘mummy’s boy’ comes out. Never for a woman. It’s disgusting tbh

God forbid an unmarried man with no children go to see his mother on a Sunday without his girlfriend of 6 months who only sees him Friday to Monday.

I agree. It's pathetic. It's as if the girlfriend is somehow in competition with the MIL.
It's really weird as well because the two women have a very different role in the man's life. It's not like she's another potential girlfriend whereby possessiveness would be understandable.

There are quite frequently posts on from women complaining about their gifts from their in-laws and the consensus is always that the evil MiL should have selected a thoughtful, individual, well-chosen gift. (Oddly, the FiL is rarely at fault).

I was given quite a lot of grief on here for not buying my DiLs presents - "but she's the mother of your grandchildren" being my particular favourite. I don't buy presents for my DiLs. They don't buy presents for me. Their decisions as to whether or not to have children are their own choice and I don't need to reward or punish those choices with a cashmere jumper or gift basket of Baylis & Harding.

I think there are generally different expectations around men staying in contact with their parents v women and theirs.