Lighthearted - Friend keeps on bringing the ex and raves about his new partner

[GloMum]

A bit of Easter drama for this lovely community, trying to gauge if AIBU.

S and I have been best friends since we sat together the first day at a new school. We continued to be BFFs throughout high school when I started dating P - first love, all the emotions - she embraced him and maintained a close friendship with both of us throughout our first two years in university.

He broke up with me quite abruptly- not unheard of - but I struggled a lot - went into a very deep depression and had to quit university as I couldn’t deal with my studies although I was smart and very capable academically.

She sympathised with my pain but insisted they are best friends as well and she’d like to continue being friends with him. I agreed their relationship is very different to our break up and it’s ok. The next few years were a downward spiral for me, I was lonely, hurt and feared a new relationship. Went through a fair share of shitty dates and bad relationships for which I blame no one but me.

Fast forward a few years, I was lucky to meet my now husband and build a life with him. We have two children, I was able to
finish my education and build a good life. I live abroad now with my husband but see S when I get home.

She keeps on telling me how wonderful a friend P is and is raving about his new partner. I never thought to interfere or say something bad as I understand it’s none of my business who is friends with who. After our last meeting though, after she told me how wonderful his new partner is and how she hopes they can have at least 3 kids, and how she’s now abroad but “we’re looking forward to have her back”, I began to think there’s something wrong with her attitude.

While it’s true I’m married and all, that was a huge heartbreak and I don’t really feel it’s very nice to hear her say these things. I feel her telling me how they go for dinners and all is a bit unnecessary - I could of course ask her to change the topic but yet I never do as I don’t want to seem petty and rude. AIBU to think she’s not right to do that and she’s trying to hurt me?

She sounds a nob in all honesty

Maybe she is just oblivious but it's a shitty behaviour.

Have you mentioned how you feel to her? I would probably distance myself from her, it should be common sense that she doesn't need to keep harping on about him to you.

She's thoughtless to keep throwing it in your face. Either distance yourself or keep saying 'that's nice' or that's all very nice but can we change the subject, I'm really not interested I what he's doing as I've moved on.

I’ve always tried to put a brave face on and wish him well but in all honesty it’s still hurtful even after many years - I appreciate we should all be happy for our exes and wish them well but I can’t embrace this “we’re all friends” attitude.

That woman does not sound like your friend. It’s fine for her to continue the friendship with him but she shouldn’t be constantly bringing him up and she shouldn’t be mentioning his partner to you at all.

It sounds like she’s trying to one up you on their behalf by saying she hopes they have 3 kids ie. One more kid than you .

I would tell her he is your past and while you have never asked her to choose between th town of you, you don’t want to hear about him from now on and if she “forgets” just interrupt her and remind her firmly you don’t want to discuss him the next time she tries it.

I had a friend like this who became best friends with my boyfriends and was weirdly enmeshed and remained so when I broke up. So many photos from our uni days were of me, my then BF, and her... then after uni she moved in with me and my next BF (now DH), again just the 3 of us. One ex I briefly dated from before I met her, ended up living near her and she sought him out and started dating him and of course he treated her as horribly as he did me, as I'd described him to her.

Just so weird, but I didn't see it, and stayed close friends with her. Then she abruptly went no contact with me shortly before my wedding, when she was going to be a bridesmaid. My friends said she was envious of me, goodness knows why because she has a much better career and comes from a wealthier family etc and was even engaged herself to a successful lawyer. I've never heard from her again and I missed her for years.

Some people are just oddballs. Everyone kept telling me she wasn't a good friend and I didn't listen. Op, your friend isn't a good friend, just ditch the drama she creates.

Listen, I'm really tired of you going on and on about how wonderful my ex's life is now. Can we talk about something else?

She's maybe not as good a friend to you as you think. It sounds like she's more his friend than yours now. Unless she's thick as mud, she's got to know her constant raving about him is a sore spot. But in case she is that stupid, and you would know, tell her to knock the raving about P off. If she doesn't, distance yourself.

Either she has no idea about your feelings or she's being deliberately provocative. I think you should tell her you still feel a bit sad about that period of your life and would rather not talk about him or hear about his relationship. If she can't understand this or continues to say tone-deaf stuff then maybe it will be time to cut contact with her.

Just ask her not to talk anymore about him and explain why. People can't read minds

She probably thinks because it was so long ago and you've moved on and are married that you don't mind hearing about him. You're going to have to speak up and tell her.

I know, I just find it hard to comprehend how anyone would think it’s a good idea to speak like that knowing our history. Sometimes I think she’s deliberately being mean to me and that’s what bugs me.

Agreed. I think the general consensus is yes it’s wrong of your friend and she should know better, but the reality is you’ll need to say something if you want it to stop - are you prepared to do this?

I don’t fear raising it with her - just trying to gauge if she’s a good friend that deserves honesty and feedback or if I’d be better off ditching this friendship.

You don't have to say much. Next time she brings him up just say you're not interested in him and change the subject.

This person is no friend.

I’d only share with her what you don’t mind an ex wanting to know. If she’s as close as you say to him I don’t doubt you are a topic of conversation and honestly, I wouldn’t have trusted she wasn’t filling him in on your struggles post break-up and all your news over the years.

I’d be suspicious she wants you to ask about him, then tell him you were asking all about him etc. Could be completely conjecture on my part but this doesn’t sound healthy with her, the fact she brought him up 3 times. It would possibly be an ego boost for him to think an ex still thinks of him and her feeding this will be a way she can stay ‘close’ to him. It’s definitely a top trumps game to her and also wanting to prove to you she has his partners approval as well with the we love her stuff. I’d love his partner’s take on her 😆 And i’d also bet she isn’t as close to him as she states. Not many men keep close woman confidant type friendships when married and settled. I know others will be on here to say otherwise but in real life I know none who are like this if on healthy relationships.

I’ve had a similar friendship though not as long as you but she would try and insert herself into my relationships/friendships and do things subtly to get a rise out of me. She’d befriend partners and love interests and try to get validation they liked her too. I’d never gave in to it though. It was quite obvious and sad. She was massively insecure and had borderline personality disorder and would become a bit obsessive about people/friendships (me at the time). She’s settled down now she has her own family but i think she was terrified of being the only one ‘alone’ or left behind despite getting more male attention than me and having more relationships overall.

I see her once every 5 years or so and she still brings up an ‘ex’ of hers, who I had met liked, and started talking to/hanging out with before ever introducing her to him…😏

Only you will know if the friendship is worth saving .

I would say that if the rest of your friendship is good otherwise I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and just briefly say to her you don’t want to hear about your ex as you’ve moved on and he’s now part of your past.

The likelihood is she will react badly to this or disregard your wishes and continue to mention him. That’s when you drop her because she’s really shown it was deliberate all along.

But if she respects your wishes, who knows? Maybe this shows she was just being naive and super insensitive and you can move on with the friendship.

I gave a friend a warning doing similar, she disregarded my wishes multiple times over a short period of time and so I ended the friendship. I’m still glad I gave her the chance to confirm she was a frenemy and she sure did rise to the occasion !

The woman has all the tact of a flying housebrick not to mention an obsession with this couple. I bet they - especially the girlfriend - are nowhere near as interested in return.
Hasn't this so-called friend got anyone else in her life to talk about at length e.g. a romantic partner of her own?
OP unless there's some medical reason for her odd behaviour I'd kick her into touch.

It sounds like she's completely oblivious and unintentionally thoughtless about your feelings. I think it wouldn't hurt to send a brief message explaining that hearing about his new partner and their relationship makes you feel uncomfortable and you'd rather not know the ins/outs. She may surprise you and take it on the chin.

Alternatively, you either have to step back a little or train yourself to zone out when these comments pop up.

She’s divorced. She insisted on inviting him to her wedding with his then girlfriend which I also took quite badly but nevertheless attended. I guess it’s been brewing for a while. 😁

Have you tried saying ‘who? Oh god him - you keep talking about them - he’s v much in the past - I don’t know him or care about hearing about him any more’ and any time she mentions him say ‘again? Good god you’re obsessed’
it’s weird and tedious- he’s not your pal or in your life. Irrelevant

"Why are you telling me this" I have no interest in ex and his life."
Or
"Tell someone who cares"

Then begin speaking to somebody else, or change the subject.

This. With ‘friends’ like these I can see why you spiralling. Honestly what a cow. I would get rid of her and block her. What a horrible friend. The temptation is to hold on to friendships due to age or familiar connections even when they show themselves to be utter jerks. I feel it.
I had a friend for 25 years who claimed to be my ‘sister’ and my biggest supporter but actually she was fuelled by her own selfish reasons etc and she’s a dick. I ended the friendship after warning and then I did it and blocked her on everything. The first year was hard but now 6 years on instead of a hole in my life there is healing and great new friends. And peace.

Can you cut them all out. Are you coming back to family if so focus on them! I would limit them on social media and distance and then block.

Please reframe also your past history. Eg a man treated me horribly finished it and didn’t explain and it left me heart broken I didn’t have the tool kit or the support network or mental health support but despite it I did years of self growth and despite everything I finished my degree showing true resilience and grit. I learnt so much about myself and mental health as I had to build those stones myself etc …..