AIBU to ask my father to visit alone at Easter?

[Sheepydoggo]

Buckle in - it’s a long one.

My relationship with my Step- Mother has been tense since she appeared on the scene during my teens.. (After a string of potential Step- Mothers in waiting). I made no effort to know her, and she equally made no effort with me. I soon moved out and off to uni and got on with my life.

Historical Issue, she cheated on my father and I was told about this. I told him. She was annoyed at my involvement. They worked things out(?) and stayed together.

Present Day: After 10 years I have moved to my hometown, where they live. I have a new partner. Comments made on separate occasions, each after she has drunk alcohol: ‘Why are you with SheepyDoggo, you’re far too nice’ , ‘There wasn’t much of a gap between you and X person SheepyDoggo dated, are you sure she didn’t cheat on you?’, ‘SheepyDoggo is evil, she has always wanted to ruin my relationship with her Father’ and so on.

Ive raised each issue as they have arisen, met with an apology and that she didn’t mean it. My Father supports that being enough.

AIBU for asking my father to pop over alone if he wanted to see us for Easter?

what would your Dad think @Sheepydoggo?

Would he find such a request acceptable?

He did not

I don’t think YABU to ask at ALL, and would feel the same… but he doesn’t have to go along with your request.

What sort of relationship do you want with him going forwards?

I think it’s nice for parents to spend time with their kids without the step parents there .

Besides it doesn’t sound like she likes you anyway so why would she want to come ?!

you can ask and he can refuse 🤷🏻‍♀️ if anyone asked me to exclude my DH it’d be thanks but no thanks tbh

I felt the same, I asked he declined.

No issue on my end.

He has said how unreasonable it is of me to ask, so I wanted a consensus.

It must be so difficult @Sheepydoggo, the actions of his wife are, so obviously, dreadful but essentially, you are asking him to choose you, his daughter, over her, his wife.

I expect, in his mind, he's caught between a rock and a hard place.

However tough his decision is, for you, at least you now know (if you didn't before) where you stand with him.

How you now approach your relationship with him should be one that gives you total peace of mind @Sheepydoggo

It's a tough one, understandably. 🌻

You have issues with your DF and the breakdown of existing family ties and admit it you never would have welcomed your DSM given how you described her arrival in your life - so you what is it in your past (beyond SM) that you are really furious, upset or emotional about?

If you’re not going to get on with her…and I get why you’re not…your dad will always be the man in the middle. I’m very very old. In my experience and from what I see around me even…men are so baffled by women and their emotions. They live simple lives and everything else is just noise. I imagine your step mother whines as much as she can get away with , about you, and of course you’re no fan of her, so
imagine you’re fairly vocal when needs be.

it doesn’t matter if you’re reasonable or not, you’re all reasonable in your own mind if that makes sense.

how do you personally envisage your visits and relationship moving forward. By saying you wanted your dad to come alone…did you mean all day or an hour?

personally I don’t think you should expect your dad to leave her the whole day…but equally he should accept you don’t get along and if he wants a good relationship with you, an hour or two round yours on his own is reasonable

someone needs to comprise really somewhere

I'm a stepmother.

I get on well with my stepchildren.

I encourage my DH to spend time with them on his own. And he does, and they have great times together.

Importantly, in terms of relevance to your situation, my DH wants to spend time with with his children just one-to-one ( as I do with my children).

Your dad doesn't seem to value a one-to-one relationship with you enough to carve out time for one. I'm sorry for you, that sucks.

You both know where you stand with the obvious dislike of each other
I’d be just minimal pleasantries life is too short for divides and feuds in family it makes everything hard work and your dad stuck in the middle

My mum died when I was young, so no weird vibes on that side of things.

I have never had a relationship with her. She is not my cup of tea, based on the little I do know. The move home has exacerbated this.

I am not after an extensional why am I like this. I was asking whether I was unreasonable in inviting him alone to visit me for a cuppa this morning. Est. time half hour.

I'll answer that.

You weren't unreasonable at all in what you were asking. It was a nice thing to do.

He knows you and your SM don't get on, and the adult thing for both of them to do would be to acknowledge that, as you've done; and for him to conduct his relationship with you one-to-one every now and then from now on.

But he either doesn't want to, or she is kicking off about it, or both.

Even if asked by your own children, if they were not DHs? I would see my children alone if that’s how it had to be.