AIBU not to share baby name choices with my mother?

[Credittocress]

I’m may be being over sensitive here, but I’m 6 months pregnant and we’ve been thinking about baby names. One gender name is picked, there’s currently a shortlist for the other. I mentioned to my mother that one name was picked, and she got very very start that we wouldn’t share the name. She didn’t pressure my DS like this.

but here’s the thing, she is very opinionated on everything. I’ve never known anyone have the energy to hold so many opinions so strongly all of the time. One of our friends had a baby recently and the name was on our shortlist, and she was very disparaging and rude about it. It has taken the shine off slightly, but also I am now struggling to be objective about that name

I don’t want to share any of the names because I don’t want her using the next three months to make suggestions or little digs at our names. I know it was my error to answer that we had one name picked and a shortlist, but I am getting so tired now of the cold shoulder saying we are freezing her out- and that when people keep these things secret it isn’t from their own mothers. I am pretty sure most people do keep these things private.

I have, and she said daughters are different.

This. When you announce, 'The baby's name is Murgatroyd' as you pass it to them for a cuddle people will say, 'Oh wow. That's unusual,' after a polite pause.

They don't usually have the brass neck to say, 'Jesus Christ, are you insane? That's hideous'.

Unfortunately as you know, you made the mistake of telling you have a name. I’ve always been very vague on any detail that I don’t want or need anyone to know. I hate to lie but I will be vague.
In this instance I probably would give her a (different) name just for the sake of it. I don’t see the point of explaining all the reasons that you don’t want to tell her, it doesn’t seem that she will change. IMO opinionated people don’t change, they’re used to giving their opinion to anyone, they can’t help themselves!
I wouldn’t feel bad about not wanting to tell her, it’s your business and your baby and your choice. I’m sure if she doesn’t agree she’ll let you know once baby is here, so that might upset you anyway, particularly when hormones are high, so just be prepared for that too

Give her some decoy names and be done with it. Something like Kwenthrith for a girl (Anglo saxon name) and Adabert for a boy (or something equally ancient).
Silliness countered by silliness.

"I don’t want to share any of the names because I don’t want her using the next three months to make suggestions or little digs at our names."

I'd tell her. Not the names, no - I'd tell her why you're not telling her.

'Well mother, if I told you names you'd air your opinions on the names endlessly and taint every single one. So no - you don't get to know the names and you don't get to taint them.'

"I am getting so tired now of the cold shoulder saying we are freezing her out- and that when people keep these things secret it isn’t from their own mothers."
Since she's cold-shouldering you, there's nothing to lose, is there, by telling her why you're not telling her? I might even throw in a 'people who don't keep things secret from their mother don't have you for a mother'. Fuck it, lob that hand grenade! With luck she'll take the huff and you'll get peace.

We didn't tell anyone with any of ours, and neither of our Mums or Dads would have sneered, had a dig, picked away at it, or been rude in any other way. It is just nice to announce thet '{insert baby's name} has arrived safely'.

Just tell her several fake name choices op then name your baby whatever it is you wanted in the first place.

I just wish I didn’t have to manage her!

Mothers that are very opinionated and not afraid to say whatever, are the rude ones. It strikes me that your mother needs feedback that’s more direct. Handling things your way doesn’t seem to be changing anything.

You can be direct and straight with someone without being rude. I once told my MIL something wasn’t her business and we weren’t discussing it. She immediately dropped the issue. She was still my MIL but on better terms.

People who don’t hold back with their opinions are seriously into bullying territory. Bullies respond best to a direct response, where they are left in no doubt that their opinion isn’t required.

Yeah I get that but sometimes parents need managing otherwise they dominate too much of your life. Start developing your boundaries before the baby arrives.

Tell her Chardonnay if it's a girl and Tyrone if it's a boy, let her get on with it, it won't affect you as they're made up names anyway and what do you care whether she's complimentary about them or not?

Tell her exactly why you're not telling her. Remind her how she behaved about the friend's list. Tell her you arent risking her upsetting you and you dont want her to think she gets a vote in what you name your child.

I said I didn’t want to tell her any names on my list!!!!

I’m in the minority but I preferred to know exactly what people thought of my name choices.
I hate the idea they are doing the whole “oh what an interesting name” as the cuddle my baby then are all “Parsleeigh-Maeigh wtf have they done to that poor baby” when they’re out of earshot.

The thing is the name she expressed disapproval of wasn’t actually any out there, think along the lines of Edward or James.

she just has to express an opinion on everything. But I also know she would absolutely love to suggest a name and have it picked so she could then tell all her friends that she was so involved she even suggested the name.

NEVER share possible baby names - all it does is lead to people "stealing" them, friends & family commenting on the choices and offering alternatives and, at the end of the day, the baby might just not suit the name.

We didn’t share until we announced the birth

Don't share baby names with anyone until they are born and you have decided. Everyone has an opinion. Its hard not to 'oh i knew a xxxx and they were awful' etc etc

Decide what you like. Tell people when they are born. End of

Sounds like three months of cold shoulder might not be a bad idea.

You know you’re not going to choose the name she’d like. You know she’s not going to be involved the way she wants to be. Next time she asks just say “Mum - I’ve already told you we have a shortlist of names. We’ve not decided yet which name on that list we’re going with. Please stop asking - the answer is only ever going to be “we don’t know yet”. And get used to blocking her huffing and puffing and whining and moaning - some people are just like this, and you have to learn how to deal with them on your own terms.

Rest assured none of my children are Parsleeigh-Maeigh! My Grandma had some quite strong opinions about Phoebe and Miles for example, but I was pleased to hear them.
Knowing people’s thoughts positive and negative helped to make our final decisions. Nobody liked DC4’s name whenever we said it but we still loved it so it kind of cemented our decision IYSWIM. We didn’t ever say the name as a done deal but put out ones we liked in lists of others to get opinions. We didn’t pick the names until they were born.
I do get why people choose not to share too, it’s a personal thing but I’d certainly rather know exactly what people are thinking.
TBH it sounds like your Mum might give her opinion once the baby is born anyway 🙂

Don’t share with anyone until they’re born. The opinions are annoying, you’ll always get someone saying “what about x horrible person though?!” And it just isn’t worth it.

My mother told me that it was "a tradition in our family" for a grandmother to be invited to choose the name of her oldest daughter's first child. But Mum had often mentioned that she'd vetoed the name her mother had suggested for me and had chosen all our first names herself, so I was able to say no. Ironically, she'd almost certainly have lumbered DD1 with exactly the same old-lady name that she'd refused to let her own mother give me.

You should never share your baby’s name until it is born unless you want an opinion. Before they are born people will say how awful the name is. If you wait until the baby is born they’ll tell you how wonderful the name is.

Wow, I love Adabert, so useful for a girl or a boy, especially when shortened.

We made the mistake of sharing the name we wanted for DS and mil pulled a face and said “it’s a bit babyish isn’t it?” Think Alfie, Archie, ollie type name. We ignored her and went with it anyway. I had to laugh when sil (the golden child) named her dd not quite but similar to Honey boo boo .

Just say your not set on a name until you are ready to share