Do you ever give parenting suggestions, help or criticism?

[Mistie2]

Normally my response would be not not to comment on people's choices with their babies ever. I'm no monster! You do you.

What sort of things would you comment on? Or is it an absolute no?

Context:

My cousin (who i have a good relationship with) had a baby recently. She is lovely, and kind but to put it frankly seems to not to have read a single baby book etc. She frequently messages me things that make me wince a bit, (obviously sure i also do things that make me wince).

I did once comment on something unsafe car seat wise after a few coat in carseat pictures and finally one where the headrest was nowhere near where it was meant to be in a "we didn't know this with our dd, but have you seen that you can adjust it?" Gentle way which went fine

I also spoke to her a bit about baby wearing because it was an easy in where it was clearly uncomfortable for them both so she asked me so I could link some stuff we used to get the right positioning. That was okay, and she did move baby up but didnt engage with the stuff about her carrier being notorious as not great for hips

We though two was probably enough helpful hints so have just smiled our way through other stuff. But have begun to falter abit, its mostly things like unsafe sleep (eg sleeping in own room at 2 months, with loads of stuff in the crib that doesnt belong there, cot bumpers), things that are outdated etc

Basically its come to a head after shes weaned her very early.
Her sister (also my cousin) has now said to her some fairly clear pointers, not delivered massively harshly but a here is the advice, you should speak to your health visiter . She's now come to me upset.

I gave her some typical you do you style advice but am not sure if I should have said, actually im not sure about some of it either.

I don't want to lose her as a friend, but equally am I doing my job as a friend if I don't say actually I did know that some of this stuff is actually risky and have just replied "oh cute!"

I do think she genuinely doesnt know, rather than is making educated decisions. Eg she said to me that the packet for the food said its from 4 months so 3 months isn't crazy, why else would they sell baby rice, cot bumper, cot positioners etc

I think it’s a hard one to navigate. I don’t tend to give advice on things that are sort of personal opinion unless I’m directly asked, but things that are just point blank unsafe I would say something. For me there is a difference between something that can be done more than one way and so its sort of a parents decision, and something that is just unsafe.

The early weaning thing seems to be a massive one across the board at the moment. My youngest is nearly 5 months old and I would say 90% of the babies at our baby group have already started weaning and did from about 3.5 months, majority probably around 4 months, because some Ella’s Kitchen pouches state 4 months. I did a lot of reading about it all with my first baby and early weaning has risks, I didn’t do it with my first and won’t with this baby either, but lots of people do seem to do it. Maybe encourage her to have a look at some of the research herself? Or point some out to her in a “have you seen this” kind of way- if you don’t know then you don’t know, I wouldn’t have minded someone making me aware of things.

Hand her a babybook or two like oh we are done with these books do you want them and let her mind her own business.

I think if she has come to you, it would be absolutely fine to say 'I've looked it up and these are the risks' or similar. And I would advise her to stick to age guidelines on the grounds that they really are there for a reason. You can say that you understand she isn't trying to harm her baby and chances are all will be OK but just give her the information so at least she is making an informed decision.

Three months is a bit crazy and it's definitely not new advice because my daughter is 19 and it was standard to wait at least until four months and preferably six months then. In the end we did start giving some food at five months because I had to go back to work as that's when statutory maternity pay ended then and she wouldn't take a bottle. And DD is absolutely fine. But I think three months is a bad idea.

Do you know if she is getting her advice from her mum, MIL or older sibling when the guidelines were different? It might be worth subtly dropping it into conversation that you had to google guidelines because things changed since your mum (or whoever) had a baby because scientific research has improved.

Does she follow any mum influencers? I suspect the comment sections will be full of people commenting if the influencer is doing something against current guidelines.

She has a point in why do they sell this stuff, but unfortunately that doesn’t make it safe. Have you tried sending her links to SIDs website etc
so it’s not just your opinion?

Early weaning I’d probably not comment on as I expect she’s already decided she’s doing that. Sleep safety yes… I’d say about the cot having nothing in it. Make a fake story if it helps ‘oh one night I found Sammy’s face right up against the coat bumpers and worried he couldn’t breathe so I never used them again!’ Kind of thing!

She sounds naive and in need of help!

Thanks all
I feel stuck between the message of not wanting to be critical or make her stop sending photos etc

Her sister was basically look if something happened then we would all feel guilty for not saying that she was doing something we felt was dangerous

Selfishly as well im worried that it makes me look like a precious first baby person in the eyes of our family. We lived abroad when our dd was born, so family had limited input re sleep etc but are hoping to have a second soon.