AIBU to stop speaking to my friend over private sexual questions?

[SukiTheTortie]

My friend, who I've been friends with from college days, has one or two virtual friends with benefits who she doesn't meet but they talk on the phone, message and do videos. You get the picture. It's definitely not for me.

I've discovered she's been talking to the guys about me. Just in terms of "I did X with my friend Suki" eg watched a film, had dinner, but they've picked it up and run with it.

Things they've said to her are:

Would Suki have a three some
Have you and Suki ever had lesbian fun
Do you and Suki discuss sex
Have you told Suki about me
Does Suki need a friend
Does she masturbate/do you discuss it
Do you and Suki fart in front of each other

That last one in particular sounds like a 12 year old schoolboy.

I've stopped talking to her because I'm so upset and angry. I don't know what to do now. I feel really let down as a friend. I'm very private and don't discuss anything like this especially not with random weirdos. I'd have shut down anyone who spoke to me like that.

I think she is probably pretty unhappy and unforfilled in life if shes just texting random men online and having sexual relationships and trying to chat to them about every day life when they are clearly only looking for one thing. It's quite sad to me, id just tell her not to give these random men any of your information or chat to them about you and that's that

When I was in my 30's I worked with a woman in her 50's who met men for sex. She used to tell me she had talked about me and hinted I join her /him. I backed away.. She wasn't a real friend..

If you can face it, give her one very clear message that using you without consent to facilitate her sex life with guys who don’t give a shit about her and have never met you is outrageous. Then I wouldn’t bother to contact her again.

Why can’t you just tell her not to tell you this stuff?

I think you need to be blunt and say under no circumstances is she to mention your name or anything about you to any of these people ever again or the friendship is over.

Or just ghost her.

Yuck.

Your friend has a very low self esteem and poor boundaries.

She's testing the waters to see if you'll agree to appearing on video with her, otherwise she'd have absolutely no reason to tell you all this.

Run a mile and don't look back.

This. 100%.

She knows I would never do anything like that for anything.

But she's still hoping, otherwise she'd have no reason to tell you.

I used to work with a woman who had a strange online sub/dom 'relationship' with someone she'd never met and part of the domination, was for him to 'order' her to do this sort of thing.

It was all a weird fucked up game by the sound of it.

Yes I actually agree with others who are suggesting she's only telling you all this to float the idea and see if you'd be up for getting involved or doing something, she's clearly desperate for these guys attention and it's very sad, but she would probably do whatever they wanted and if they're asking her to do sexual things with you she's probably trying it on. They are all porn warped and think that women are complete sex crazed and shag each other whenever we have a night in with a takeaway, they make me sick tbh but clearly she's enjoying it 🤮

Sorry but it wouldnt bother me

Exactly what they do. One of those blokes says he's her slave and tells her to order him to strip etc.

Again, why not tell her to stop telling you this stuff?

Don't let her take any photos of you at all, no matter how innocent/normal they are.

Ugh. These men can't just accept they have one woman willing to take part in these texts/fantasies with them and accept that for what it is - they have to push the boundaries and insert their sexual interest into every part of her life.

Yes she's trying to groom you into being part of it which is rank, but she is also being pushed and groomed into that action by her male friend, which is also rank. You have boundaries and self esteem - assert them, and if you can help your friend find and assert hers great, otherwise walk away

I'd consider the friendship has run its course, if it was ever real in the first place.

Back away from her. She isn't a true friend.

YANBU. If a man did this you'd have no trouble recognising it as sexually abusive behaviour.

Same.

But it bothers me so your post is rather pointless.

Have you told her to stop discussing you with these men and (even more importantly) stop reporting this nonsense back to you?

This has now escalated. I've discovered from my friend's sister (who's disgusted with her and very upset) that she and this fella have been talking about me for about two years. He's pestered her to take pictures and send to him. She's sent him photos of me, without my knowledge and without the knowledge of others in the picture. There's also another man she's been doing the same with and discussed me with who's said similar things. She's got no other real life friends but me.

The conversation has been so appalling I can't repeat it. This knowledge has come about because I confided in her sister who looked at her phone. Yes she was technically snooping but I don't care as I now know the truth.

The photo of me is simply a girls night out with two friends that I sent to her. No sleazy pictures of me exist (well not unless he's used that one to create any). I've confided in her about a lot of personal things over the years, my difficult childhood, marriage problems and other things and I don't know what she's shared with him. He could easily find me through my work.

He's also discussed racist, homophobic, xenophobic and white supremacist issues with her. The things he's said about me aren't fit to repeat. And she still chose him instead of loyalty to her friend of decades.

I'm completely done with her. I just don't know what to do. I've been physically sick and can't sleep.

Then cut her off. Send a final text outlining your reasons, and then block her. You'll never trust her again so no point in anything else really.

That’s absolutely horrific. I’m so sorry.

I’m reminded of that terrifying woman who abused babies at nurseries in order to please some man they met online. It is really frightening how fragile a moral sense can be under the slightest pressure.

I would say there is every hope that the person who got your picture won’t do anything with it. But that doesn’t alter just how bad what she did is.

This is a terrible betrayal to treat you like an object.

Your friend might cry and say sorry. Remember it’s hard in the moment when someone is crying. It can soften your resolve.

You can accept her apology (if it comes) but use that to move forward without ruminating on the situation longer than you need to.

You must not forget though and draw a hard boundary that is the end of the friendship.