Hi Everyone
This is something I have been thinking about for a while now. I’d really appreciate some outside perspective on this, as I’m starting to feel quite drained and unsure if I’m overthinking things.
I have a long-term friend who is now also my sister-in-law (she ended up marrying my brother). We weren’t especially close in school, but lived together when we were younger and stayed in touch over the years.
Looking back, I feel there has always been a bit of a competitive dynamic. For example, when we were younger and going out, I often had the sense that if I got attention from men, she would imply (subtly) that I was “lucky” and that they were really more interested in her. At the time I brushed this off.
When I got engaged and was getting married, she had just come back from travelling and her behaviour felt a bit off. On my hen and wedding, she was making comments like I’d been very drunk when I met my husband, and generally joining in with my sisters in a way that felt a bit undermining. The night of my wedding, she got together with my brother, which I didn’t think much of at the time, but the following day the focus shifted onto them. A few months later she even joked that they had “stolen my thunder,” which really stuck with me.
Over the years since, I feel there’s been a repeated pattern where if I share something about my life, she brings it back to herself. For example, if I mention my kids, she redirects to hers. When my father passed away and we were holding the wake at home, she told me (but no one else) about a health issue her own mother was having, and I ended up comforting her instead of the other way around.
More recently, I shared in a WhatsApp group that I’m applying for my boss’s job (a CEO role), which is a big deal for me and something I’m nervous about. Her response was to mention her own work situation and how many people she manages, before wishing me luck. When I said I was nervous, she again redirected to her own worries about her children. I came away from the exchange feeling deflated rather than supported.
There are other small examples over the years, but it’s the overall pattern that’s getting to me. I often feel like interactions with her are draining, and I don’t feel particularly supported or celebrated.
Because she’s my sister-in-law, it’s not a straightforward friendship I can step back from completely. But I do find myself wondering if, had she not married into the family, we might have drifted apart naturally.
I suppose my question is: am I overthinking this, or is it reasonable to feel this way and to start putting some distance in place (e.g. sharing less, lowering expectations, etc.) rather than confronting it directly?
Thanks for reading if you got this far.