Utterly exhausted and sad, how do I deal with this?

[Ueiiiii]

How do I deal with this? Ex spent years stringing me along so last year I said enough was enough and it was over. He’s since stayed locally in hotels locally at weekends as his job took him to a different city in the week.

He has huge amounts of money so that’s no issue. For context his only family are one brother and his dad, neither of which have had any interest in our child who is now 5. They’ve never actually met her.

My family make an effort at occasions such as Easter etc and so tomorrow my sister had arranged for an Easter egg hunt for DD and her cousins. Ex was supposed to be taking DD out for the day but since I’ve said it’s really uncomfortable for me to have him around my family given we are separated, he’s now said he will go back home as I’ve ruined bank holiday for him.

I can’t cope with him anymore. He was the one who wouldn’t commit to me. For several years he’s been at arms length despite me asking for proper commitment. When I finally had the strength to leave he’s now putting me in these positions where if I say DD is going to see my family then he wants to go home. I just can’t cope with it anymore.

I would just get a contact plan sorted out so everyone knows where they stand. I don’t blame him going home really, why would he stay when he’s not going to see his child?

But why would he hang around if he’s not seeing his DD?

Which arrangement was made first?

It’s an hour at my sister’s

But did he make his plans first?

If he made plans to take her out and you changed the plans I can see why he’d get the hump. I’d be upset too.

If he was supposed to be taking his daughter out for the day why do your family trump that? Can’t they do the egg hunt another day?

I understand why you would want your daughter to do the egg hunt with their cousins. But if you had already planned for your DD to spend the day with their dad, you need to stick to that. So really you should have asked your sister to do a different day.

In future, stick to agreed plans and then ignore anything else from your ex.

I'm a bit confused had he arranged to see your DD and then you said no she was going to spend time with your family?

What do you mean by proper commitment? You have a child, that's a big commitment. Were you living together?
You shouldn't be making all decisions about where DD goes. If she was supposed to be with her dad then it's up to her dad what they do together.

You need a better arrangement regarding contact. If you had already said this was his weekend or his Sunday, then you are wrong to say you want DD to be with you (even if it's 'only' an hour as you put it).
It sounds like you don't have a proper agreement in place though so maybe that's the first step to help you both manage your expectations.

if your official custody agreement states that this Sunday is one of his days, then he should have his child on that day ?

Would you allow him to have such control over your day with your dc?

Youre being unfair if he already had planned to take her out and now you decided youre going to your sister's instead. Get proper contact arrangements in place so you cant do that again in future.

No one can really make a judgement on what you’re asking until we have more context about plans for Easter Sunday.

sorry to clarify he turns up on weekends when he feels like it often with little to no notice. I go along with this as his shift pattern is unpredictable. I wanted DD to spend time with her cousins because his side of the family ignore her existence so I think it’s important she sees some wider family. No arrangements had specifically been made for Sunday

I don’t think your update makes it any better. He’s her Dad, time with him should come before cousins if you won’t let him be around your family.

Honestly it seems to me like you’re being difficult on purpose because he wouldn’t ‘commit’ in a way you wanted.

I think prearranging things would help, say hey on Sunday we are at my sisters between 1-3 your welcome to have X before / after. Don’t wait for him to turn up, take control and arrange things yourself.

I agree that proper plans need to be made. It sounds as though you are still grieving the split. It's either his day or it isn't. You had plans, they don't involve him. I think that you are going to have to accept that just has he hasn't been the partner you thought he could be, he isn't going to be the Dad your DD deserves. Start to plan your life as a single parent and single person. You've put him center stage of your day, I don't understand why?.

Looks like he doesn't have agreed time or set days, so I can see why you went for the egg hunt arrangement. But your DD does need stability so you need to agree a regular pattern with him and he needs to sort out his shifts to commit to it.