I don't know how to decide? Moving out of the house where we brought up our children

[Beckton]

We have loved our house and where it is.Just the right size, good transport links, great long-standing neighbours. Brought our two children up here, feel very embedded in the neighbourhood.

However, retirement is on the horizon. We'd like more space to garden and for hobbies. To live with less hassle in a town rather than a city. To not have to fight to park our car or hear parties most weekends.

But, leaving all that aside, how do you come to the decision to leave a house where all your memories of raising a family have been made in? It feels so hard.

Can those who have struggled with this, but done it anyway help me out? DH is very keen to start the process but I don't know how I can help myself stop feeling sad about it.

Difficult decision to make so don't rush yourself or you could feel resentful. I would say live your best life now making new experiences. Rather than living a part existence dwelling on past memories.

Home is where family is
a house is bricks and mortar I’ve heard said.

i guess you need to find a new house to love and make more memories there.

Thank you.

I guess two other factors are also important - the children are either flown or about to, so a new house won't be theirs in the same way. Making memories together will be fewer.

Plus (and at risk of outing myself, but can't think of a way to disguise it!) I have a stammer. I am ok with it in familiar places and people, but it's worse with new people and places. So I guess I will struggle more than most to build a new community somewhere new, especially without having children/school to base things on.

Memories live in your head. They do not live in a specific building.

Well that’s what people often come out with, but places are associated with events and emotions and there’s such a thing as the spirit of place. OP, I’d talk it through with your children because it will have memories for them that are important. They will have spent time in the garden playing and time looking at the ceilings when they were ill in bed. They might want to say their own goodbye or take something as a memory.

I still remember the plants that grew in the lawn of the house where I grew up. I gave my mother primulas each Mothers Day and they went in a particular flower bed. For years I could remember the sound that different doors made as they closed. A friend of mine was deeply unhappy when her childhood home had to be sold, though that had also been the home of her grandparents.

Perhaps a last family dinner to say goodbye to the house and thank it for looking after you all. These things matter and people have rituals to mark stages and move on. It’s a big transition for you.

I’ve recently moved from the house where I grew up and then inherited after my parents died and brought my children up there, so a LOT of memories there.

It was too big and expensive for me on my own and I knew it was time to pass it on so another family could enjoy it. I was still sad about leaving but I found a house that I actively wanted to move to which was a positive. I’ve only moved about a mile away so I haven’t really lost the local amenities.

It did take about 3 years from deciding I needed to move to actually moving out!

I’m struggling with this too. Have lived 30 years in same house and kids are adults now living their own lives. We would love to move to the coast somewhere but whenever I think about leaving my home, I feel very sad!

My parents sold our family home when DSis and I had flown the nest. Their new home was fabulous and we loved going to visit and taking our own children there. We had wonderful Christmases, summer BBQ’s, weekends when we were all together with our husbands and kids. What made it so special was having the bigger, extended family all together. And my mum and dad were brilliant hosts, always lots of great food, wine and the children had their own toys, a big garden to run about in and spare high chairs/baby baths/travel cots etc so we didn’t need to bring everything with us. I felt it was an exciting time rather than a sad one.

It was a great home for your young family, so let it go forth and be a great home for someone else's family. You want different things now and it can't provide what you need.

You need to weight up the pros and cons. We moved ( same city) and I struggled with the idea , even cried my first night in my new home , but we’ve made it our own. I love decorating and scavenging for pre loved furniture and decorations and now it feels like home even if it isn’t where we raised our older two ( they have not lived here permanently ) and our almost 18 year will have spent more years at our old apartment.
the girls still love visiting and they love our new place.
just be very sure because even though it’s bricks and mortars it was hard for me in the beginning, even though I know we definitely did the right thing and I’m super happy we made the move.

We left the house our children grew up in. It was awful closing the door for the final time and we both shed a tear. In our case it was because we relocated with my husband’s job. You’ll still have the memories and nothing can take those away.

As a counterpoint, my uncle didn't move from the family home, but neither did he keep it in good repair and it had subsidence. Then he died, and turned out the home, which was heavily mortgaged so he could finance other investments, was worth about £200k less than he had imagined. This pushed his whole estate into insolvency and caused a lot of problems for my cousins, who would have had an inheritance if he'd just regularised things when alive.

My parents moved out of the house I’d lived in from 12m old when I was 35, 20 years ago. It was fine. Their new house felt like home instantly. My brother and I feel really comfortable, even though we’ve never lived there.

We found it harder living in the home without them it felt empty. Echoes of those amazing years. Moved to another place very different that we love. They love it to when they come to visit and whoever gets there first has the room overlooking the garden. Its not their room.any more so when they leave it doesn't feel so hatd.

It was hard but much better for us. Take care.

Maybe go out and see other houses to see what other options you might have.

You’ll take your memories with you and you will get to make new ones.

I had to move after a divorce and I had loved my old house with all my heart.

But I found a new house that I love even more! Start house hunting and keep looking until you find something that feels so right, you can’t wait to move.

For various background reasons I haven’t always dealt very well with moving or lots of change (even renovations can make me very unsettled), but something I found helpful the last time we moved was taking a lot of photographs of ‘everyday life’ a few weeks before we moved. Not particularly tidied up, just pictures of how we lived.

The only thing I would recommend is to make sure that your new home is close enough for your children to keep at least some connection with their home area. My parents moved hundreds of miles away and I felt very rootless for a long time.

We downsized last year. We just didn’t need the space any more. Obviously it’s an emotional rollercoaster when you have brought your family up in your home. As a PP has said you take your memories with you though.
Lots of work decluttering and packing up but easier than when you are in older age.
We found a lovely bungalow that we have renovated ( though it wasn’t in bad shape) and there’s lots of outdoor space.
So glad that we moved when we did and we are looking forward to Summer in our new gardens.
Only you can decide but think of your future and where you’d like to be to make new memories.

I was dreading it and get very attached to things. I used to go back and stay in our family home most weeks for 2 months.

Turns out I was completely unbothered it was bricks and mortar.

My parents sold our family home last year. They sold it to a young family who were beyond excited to move it. That made leaving it behind easier for my parents. Last time they drove past there was a kid's bike lying on the front grass and mum said it made her so happy to see it there.
They have a city centre flat now, a complete change. They're out at the theatre and cinema 3 times a week.

So it can work out happily. But only when you're ready.

Good luck in your decision

You focus on what’s next, a more peaceful location, a lovely greenhouse and all the things that will bring you joy in the next phase. I am blissfully happy having moved to a hamlet, no neighbours, no noise just nature and peace.

Are you going to move far away? Close enough to still see friends? And will there be space for kids to stay? I think both of those are important factors for a happy retirement.

My memories aren’t linked to this house, but to my family. I have no emotional ties to it.. well not in any real sense. I do like my house a lot but moving forward our needs are different. We’re just waiting for our DD to finish uni and our cat to die (gulp) and then we will move to something which will suit us better as empty nesters. I have a lot of life ahead of me and some lovely plans for it, we need a different space to accommodate it. Finding a house which excites you, you’ll soon lose the connection with the past and start looking forward to the future.

That part of your life is over anyway
the memories are in your head and heart not the house

perhaps you are using the house as a way to express your grief at this time of change

you need to be more positive about what is coming next, proud of what you have achieved so far

This is on the horizon for us aswell in a few years. I am planning to have a big declutter including all the emotional items and maybe deal with some of the emotions through that process.
I am also hoping to feel lighter and more free when the time comes and to not dwell on the past and focus on the next chapter.
I think it will be hard but can feel us detaching from this house gradually and not spending money on it apart from essential maintenance.