AIBU to feel hurt stepdaughter will not visit her unwell dad?

[Frillysweetpea]

SD (early 30s) lives at A and is going on a self catering holiday with her BF for a week to C. We live in between at B and were going to join them at C. Plenty for us to do at C and the plan was do somethings together and some apart - not a joined at the hip situation. This is no longer possible as DH is quite unwell. His health is declining due to various long term conditions and he's increasingly poorly. We last saw SD at Christmas and see her 2-3 times a year, often at Easter. I have suggested she and BF come via ours for one night to see her dad. We have ample room and there are no complicating factors like access to the rental or grandkids. SD and BF drive. It would mean SD loses one night of the holiday at either the beginning or the end of the holiday. She has replied it's 'not possible' but they hope to be up to visit later in the year. I've just replied to the effect 'Yes, fine, smiley face' and have no intention of bringing it up again. I feel a bit hurt on behalf of DH though. It's definitely not what I would have done in similar circumstances and I can't believe she is not making more effort. DH is not terminally ill but the condition runs in the family and he is not going to make old bones. AIBU?

Yanbu to feel hurt but she us also NBU to stick to her plans and visit when she wants to.

She sees her dad 2 or 3 times a year. It doesn't sound like it's a close relationship. There's probably some back story to this since her dad is no longer with her mum. All those things taken together it's not hard to imagine why she would choose to prioritise her full planned holiday over a day less holiday to visit him.

Edited to add, if she altered her plans, she's also impacting her BFs planned holiday, who has no obligation or presumably great desire to see either of you

Apart from the fact we had initially all planned to spend a week together!

Very selfish. Sounds like the type to be the first to sniff around when/if there's any inheritance. Give her a piece of your mind.

I'd be really hurt too OP, and in a way it is worse feeling hurt on behalf of someone you love. But you can't do anything about it except invite them.
Another time it might be better to step right back and let DH invite them and respond if they say no.

Yes, on holiday, with it being spelt out that the two families were free to each go their own way. They could enjoy themselves doing whatever main activities they planned and coexist with you in the in between times.

You and your DH changed the arrangement (granted that's no fault of yours) but they still paid for x number of days holiday and booked off time from work for that purpose. Why should they loose a day of that?

Do you think that your SD feels close to her dad? If yes, why do they see each other only 2 or 3 times a year? Do you think she feels joy at spending time with him? Or does she see it as an obligation?

I'm shocked at some people not putting a focus on a daughter wanting to see her Dad when he is unwell, when it sounds like she will basically be going past where they live to get to the holiday location?! Unless I'm reading it incorrectly.

For those questioning the closeness of the relationship due to seeing one another a few times a year, I can only speak from experience. I live 300 miles from my Dad and his family. I don't have a car and it's a very long and expensive journey to get down to them on the train. If you add in rail engineering works as with this weekend, it's just not viable, so I was sadly unable to accept the invitation to go there for Easter. I wish I could see my Dad more than a few times a year but with working full time and the logistics of everything, that's what we manage. I speak to him every week for at least an hour and feel very close to him. Distance can be very difficult and isolating.

If my Dad was unwell, I would move heaven and earth to be there for him - and if I was going somewhere that was easy to get to him anyway, that would be a no-brainer. Unfortunately for the OP, not everybody is empathetic, or considerate of how others might feel. I have a sister like that - but all you can do is reassure your DH that some people are just unable to see the issue and that it isn't personal.

Would his daughter accept an invite for a meal either side of the holiday, so she can at least spend a few hours with him?

Hopefully there is room for a compromise here somehow x

@yebba2026 You're right, the distance and work constraints plus split family units increasing demand on time make more frequent family visits impractical. There's a bit of a triangle involved in the A-B-C (and back to A next week) journey so that's why they were invited to stay for dinner, bed and breakfast. It allows them to arrive early on the 2nd day rather than late on the first so they'd lose a few hours at most. It's disappointing but definitely not worth a family bust up.

It really can get so complicated with sorting family get togethers with everything at play, I feel your pain!

No it's definitely not worth a family bust up - but your feelings are valid and it's ok to be disappointed. My sister lives near our Dad and hardly sees him, which annoys me! I live near our Mum and she hasn't been up to visit for about 10 years! It's utterly bizarre - but you can't change people, only your own reaction to them. That's what I tell myself anyway, through gritted teeth!

Hope your husband feels better in himself soon. 🙏

Really?

Ah, when you’re working, holidays are so longed-for. I can understand not wanting to shorten it for a non-emergency.

True - but sad though, because when he is gone, she will long for those moments with him 😔