Do you ignore your partner - nearly 24 hours

[Ceci693]

I have a partner of 5 months. It’s long distance so we meet about twice a month. We were together 3 nights last weekend. The past week I’ve been very busy working and I guess I was a bit grumpy in my texts. I admit it but I wasn’t nasty or anything just a bit moany I suppose. But since yesterday lunchtime he has not messaged and won’t reply to my texts or ohone calls . I admit I am embarrassed that I blew up his phone this morning with quite a few texts and 2 calls that went unanswered. I’m really sad and think it’s obvious he is breaking up with me. It’s the silence that’s getting to me really. I think it’s mean. But I am triggered by it as it’s something my ex husband used to do to punish me. As long as a week sometimes he used to go without speaking. I’m thinking if this guy is doing it too maybe it’s me? I’m interested - do you use silence in your relationship. I am very fond of this guy he has been very sweet to me and made me feel “seen” for the first time in a long time. It’s hard to let him go.

No, I think silent treatment is really toxic and unhealthy, and its always better to talk directly. Block this guy, not worth your time

What did you say in your texts this morning?

Silence or ignoring isn’t nice and I think at best it’s childish and at worst can be abusive

I would imagine he’s feeling pretty off too if you’ve been bombarding him with messages -

also you’ve seen him what - 10 times and it’s long distance

I would hesitate to call this a relationship

It's only been a few months, he's not really a 'partner' yet. I'd be inclined to take charge and break up with him.

Well, ignoring calls and messages are rude. But I will admit there are times when I don't contact my partner for a day. I just want to have a duvet day and read a book and not human so I will not initiate contact. I will get back to him if he texts.

As for your partner, no idea. Depends what you said to him if he needs space. He should get back to you and whe he does, let him know that you will appreciate a message even if it is to say he will have his phone off for a while etc.

blew up his phone this morning with quite a few texts and 2 calls that went unanswered

What time of morning and how many is quite a few? How long had he been “silent” before you did this? If anyone sent me 20 messages and called twice at, say, 2am, I would probably be pretty unhappy with them. So this needs more info. In general, yes, I agree that “silent treatment” is toxic and doesn’t move situations forward (even if he wants to break up, he should communicate) but if you sent a LOT of communication via “quite a few” texts, then perhaps he’s hoping things will cool off if he just gives it 24 hours.

But since yesterday lunchtime he has not messaged and won’t reply to my texts or ohone calls . I admit I am embarrassed that I blew up his phone this morning with quite a few texts and 2 calls that went unanswered.

You sound like quite hard work. It's been five months.

Maybe he's busy. Maybe he has stuff going on and doesn't want to listen to you moaning and being grumpy? Five months into a casual relationship is too early for one of you to be 'blowing up' the other ones phone and sending grumpy messages.

Ok thanks for fhe wake up call. I just checked and I sent 8 short messageS at around 930 and I called once. It looks like twice I guess but the 2nd was a mistake as I was hanging up I accidentally pressed call back. I need to get on with life and leave him alone. Thanks I needed that .

Perhaps he doesn't know what to say to you. Not sure whether he wants to continue or not, have a discussion, or let it go and carry on as normal and needs a little time to think it through. Obviously the adult thing would be to message to say he needed some space. But in fairness, people often don't respect that when they're anxious and want reassurance or to know where they stand. So sometimes people to resort to ignoring. I'd give him a day then I'd message to say you need to know where you are.

I have been with my partner 3 years. 9 hour time difference and coupled with 14 hour work days means I do not speak to him each day and now tax season in Japan brings 7 day 17 hours days, it's brutal. I will not get a text for a week. I love him and he loves me, I do not sweat over the small stuff, so your length of time to not speak to your boyfriend is not would enter my head as wrong.

Yeah, this is a lot. And it's Easter. He could have things on with friends and family, or be deciding if he wants to continue. If you need to have a broader conversation, suggest that for after Easter.

How often do you usually chat? To me, one day of no response isn't silent treatment, that'd just be life getting in the way and not prioritising a new relationship.

No, I never ignore my DH. Although if I was only 5 months into a relationship I wouldn't consider not replying within 24 hours ignoring. It can take me a few days to reply to friends and visa versa. If they were blowing up my phone the morning after I hadn't replied to a text that would really piss me off. Grumpiness so early into a relationship would too.

You need to work on your emotional regulation.

After 5 months, he shouldn't be your everything and you should be able to cope better than sending 8 texts and calling.

If someone did that to me, they would be gone. I wouldn't put up with it.

I think 5 months in, if you can’t mask your grumpiness in texts etc to a LD partner, you are doomed anyway. No-one wants that. LD is hard anyway, without one of the partners being a ‘grumpy and moany’ communicator.

Sounds like he’s made the decision for you, but I’d split and work on myself if I were you. Managing your emotions appears to be a challenge for you.

We text every morn and evening and sometimes during the day as well so this is a long time for us. Yes I’ve made mistakes . My fault I guess . You’re all correct I need to work on myself. I got too comfortable and didn’t think about how my messages were landing . This is why I am single so long I think. I’m just not good enough at regulating myself to be in a relatjonship. I tried really hard with this one.

Don’t be hard on yourself, op. It’s awful when you’re worried about something and someone’s not answering your messages.
let us know when he contacts you. Maybe wait for him to message before you contact him again x

God I hope you're trying to be funny and failing.