MiL too involved?

[Dogtanian11]

First of all sorry for the long post but I really need to rant!
My MiL, nearly 80, still works in a school as a SenCo. Has two boys and lots of stories on how she used to make them do work during school holidays. My stance has always been that unless they are set homework then they don’t need to do extra ‘sit down’ work. I will get them to read road signs, calculate mileage and other road trip stealth learning.
My son is 10, year 6 and has dyslexia and processing issues, it takes him a while to understand the task he has been asked to do BUT once he understands it, there’s no stopping him. Because of this, it’s a constant battle to get him to do his homework, he thinks he can’t do it and we spend so long trying to convince him, ending up normally with tears (on both sides) and half the weekend wasted. He is due to sit his SATS after the holiday break.
So, the week before the holidays the MiL told me that the year 6 teacher in her school had given her a SATS revision book that he could work on over the holidays. I didn’t say anything as I’ve made her aware before that I don’t want work being done during holidays. Then a couple of days later, during a telephone call in loud speaker in the car, she mentioned the book again in the conversation to my partner (her son) again I didn’t say anything, the kids were in earshot and I didn’t want to talk about it in front of them. We made plans for her to have them a couple of times during the holidays. The first day they collected and took him off back to their house. I wasn’t home when he was returned but I noticed a white revision book on the table which i admittedly didn’t pay too much attention too. The following day the kids had a holiday club, they came home and watched a film and then they wanted to go swimming before their swim lessons so we left a little bit earlier than usual and arrived home about 7.45pm
the following day they were spending with their MiL. They came to collect them, I was packing up their bags and my 10yr old came in and told me that MiL had told him off for not doing the revision book and that he would have to do extra that day. I walked into the front room to hear my partner explaining to her that he’d had a busy day and that they’d gone swimming, her reaction was to say that we needed to get our priorities right! And that triggered me! I lost it, a very heated argument followed with me telling her that if she wants to make him do work at her house then she can but under my roof he does what I say and that means no work during school holidays, she angrily responded that she didn’t agree and that he needed the extra tuition. I replied that he is 10 years old and I want him to enjoy the holidays by having fun, she replied that I would because I am so domineering! I then pointed out that I don’t want to go through the screaming and shouting that we have with normal homework to which she said well that doesn’t happen! My partner actually stepped in then and said that actually it does, she then backed down. I told her to back off, stop over stepping the mark and then had to walk away. Meanwhile the kids had gone running off to their bedrooms in tears 😔
they packed up and took them back to their house. I apologised to the kids and my partner for shouting, my partner sat on the fence and said he could see from both sides that we both want the best for our son and that he didn’t mind him doing some work over the holiday.
they were dropped back that night, I didn’t see them but once again the revision book was on the table. My son then told me this, MiL had sat him down to have a serious conversation about doing extra work during the holidays, she told him a story about her other son, he has dyslexia and she used to make him do extra work and he hated it and would often tell her that he hated having a teacher as a mother but years later, when he moved away and married, he wrote her letter, thanking her for making him do the extra work.
So am I reading too much into this, even after me saying that I don’t want him doing extra work and asking her to step back, I feel that she is guilt tripping my son and still going against my wishes. Apparently my son has told her that he will do the work if he isnt too tired. I reluctantly asked him to do some work the following day he said he would but didn’t but I didn’t push it.
I don’t know where to go with this, it’s not the first time she has ignored me and my partner has admitted that she gets very anxious and he doesn’t want to upset her.
once again, sorry for the long post but I need to get my head round this 😖

it’s not the first time she has ignored me and my partner has admitted that she gets very anxious and he doesn’t want to upset her.
👆🏼Your final sentence summarises the issue perfectly - the revision book is meeting your MiL’s needs, NOT your son’s needs.

Everyone has different learning style. You know your son and have found the experiential stealth learning engages him and builds curiosity. That sounds fabulous. If your MiL is employed as a SENCO it doesn’t necessarily mean she either knows your son’s needs or is particularly skilled in her role.

Your right.

But you went about it wrong.

you or ideally DH should have had a conversation about it.

Instead you ignored her whilst getting annoyed and then blew into an argument

she should respect your wishes but next time talk

Where is this school that employs a 79 year old as their SENDco?

I would agree with this

This

Also her nice story I don’t believe happened

I am dyslexic and writing anything with pen and paper as an adult would be my worse nightmare

Either that or it did happen and his relationship is so strained with his mother that writing letters is as close as he gets to her

Get your DS to ask for a copy of the letter to prove it happened.

I was also given loads of homework to do to get me up to scratch. It didn’t have the desired effect and I failed every exam as by the time I got to taking O Levels / GCSEs I had, had enough of school altogether and knew if I passed I had another 2-5 years of the same torture to look forward to

My relationship with my parents fell apart shortly after.

All this grandma is doing is making sure her GC associate going to see grandma with doing school work.

Personally I wouldn’t have them go to her during the holidays. Can you fill their holidays with spending days with friends and going on day trips.
Another couple of years and she won’t see them as they will be able to choose where they want to go and who they want to spend time with

Dyslexia isn’t over come by doing extra school work. It is over come by finding the right filters that steady the writing. Different hacks to make life easier.

It’s like someone with colour blindness having to stare at dots all day to try and learn what the page is showing. Ultimately it is a big waste of time

Your MIL is very controlling. She needs to get back in her lane as granny and stop being a teacher to your son.

Why haven't you thrown away the revision book? That would be the best way to advocate for your son.

Just FYI, the government doesn’t make any teacher send home worksheets!

What a twat. I would be livid!

This problem isn’t going to be solved until you and your h have a joint opinion on the matter. As Long as your h agrees with MIL she will use this as proof that she knows best and push her agenda.

I’m very surprised that you use her as childcare and took him back after the argument. I suspect that ds has learned that his grandmother’s views trump his parents and his own views. Is there a cultural angle at play here explaining why she’s allowed to do as she wishes because being a SENCO means she can’t be wrong? I think she oversteps and controls because you and your h behave like children and obey her commands. Considering how strongly you clearly feel about this, I’m surprised how quickly you folded.

Well all I’ll say is that you might need to sort the homework situation before high school. They get homework at high school and detentions for not doing it.

My autistic daughter struggled with the idea of homework and wanted work for school and home was not for work. We ended up agreeing to an after school homework club run by the send department so she could do hers. But by GCSEs she was in school during February half term and Easter and May Hal term for revision classes.

The year my kids both had SATs they brought past papers home for the Easter break.

My mother isa retired teacher and when she had the kids for childcare they often did educational activities but specifically revision books. More games that helped with spelling and maths.

The problem lies with an inflexible school system that requires all learners to hit the same educational milestones at the same time, regardless of cognitive style. You and MIL, and most especially DS, are all victims of a system that rewards DC for a narrow range of skills, which must be acquired by set times, and in ways that are formally sanctioned. It just causes everyone stress and for no good reason.

She’s hugely overstepping. If you’d asked for advice about extra work that would be different. She doesn’t respect your parenting decisions.
My son was struggling and we got him private tuition and they provided homework sheets, 4 each week that took 10 minutes each. I also did handwriting sheets either him. We later found out he has dyslexia. I’m strict with homework from school and it is done over the holidays if set by school. Otherwise, no formal learning. They read through choice and were also doing activity sheets on days out. Children need their holidays to rest and have fun. Different when they’re older and have exams but yours are still in primary school.

It doesn’t matter wether she’s right or wrong, it’s not her place

That's too much pressure on your son, SATs are only really important for the school not the individual child. Also if he is dyslexic the school will have applied for additional time/a reader. Your MIL is going against your wishes. If you don't want it to happen though, you need other childcare arrangements as it doesn't seem like she will back down.

I understand where she is coming from but it is misguided and wrong.

My eldest is dyslexic and he too hates working at home and hates homework and it’s actually damaged our relationship from a period during Covid. He is older now and understands it has to be done. He now also has to revise for tests which is tricky too but does get done.

He does need extra support so he is tutored twice a week. It’s expensive. But helps so much and that helped him pass his sats and stay in higher sets and gives him the confidence to do well. Helps his self esteem. It’s done outside of the home. He recognises that he needs it. It’s done by people who are qualified to work with dyslexics.

she is overstepping the mark and may not actually be helping. If he isn’t given the skills then he may not be able to answer and then could do more damage and frustration. It shouldn’t have been pushed on him.

you and your husband need to be on the same page and agree that he needs extra support but not from her. Perhaps she would like to help by paying for suitable tutoring. It is certainly not the answer to shove more unsupported work in front of him or for him to be forced to do it at home where it is his safe place but he may need extra qualified help.

I would bin all the books and arrange appropriate childcare in future. Does she interfere with their education in school?

Well I hope they all sued the local education authority for age discrimination (a protected characteristic)
How much compensation did they receive?
Or did this never happen?

I don't know how behind your son is. I had to do huge amounts of intervention with my dyslexic child to allow them to operate on an even playing field. It would be very difficult to watch a child falling behind for want of help. Your stealth learning is unlikely to substitute for the tailored support that would make a difference and learning doesn't harm children unless they're also stressed. Dyslexia isn't fair and things do take more time but extra learning is less unfair than missed opportunities to engage and achieve. No of course your MIL shouldn't be acting in this way but I don't know what she's seeing to make her so driven.

It did happen. I was one of them!

Those who didn’t take voluntary severance applied for jobs in the new set up but didn’t get them. So everyone over 50 was gone.

Childcare or no childcare, your MIL is way out of line. How you educate your child is none of her dam business. Just because she looks after your kids for a couple of days doesn't mean she gets to give unwanted tuition. Give the childcare without conditions or don't give it at all. Plus, doing extra workbooks not helpful for a dyslexic child, he is likely just going to get more upset. Has he done Toe by Toe or had any other dyslexia specific support from school?

Sounds like my mum OP. I had to tell her the other day I do not want to keep discussing my son’s work. She was a teacher and gets very anxious. Started saying my DC should not be going away for 4 days - he is year 12. Easier to handle as my mum.

I would be v annoyed in your situation, but she does mean well so maybe best to find a way through, clear the air. Maybe listen to her advice but tell her she can’t instruct your son what to do.

Why did you “reluctantly” ask him to do work the next day? Surely this just contradicts your stance and reinforces what your MiL was trying to do.

What a nasty thing to say. Is that all you took from this?

It's not the fact that mil is doing homework with him at her house, but making him feel bad for not doing the work when he had a busy day, at holiday club and swimming, which triggered the argument. Then accused OP of being domineering.