AIBU to think this isn't PND and is in fact just PTSD? (TW; Mentions baby loss)

[NotPND]

Background; I had a lovely, healthy baby six months ago. Unexpected but very welcome pregnancy. We had a lot of loss previously. Two baby losses (second trimester, very traumatic, I'll in womb babies, one born living who passed away shortly after birth, one born already gone) and four miscarriages. We'd given up trying a long time ago. (We have an older child, also lovely.)

Crux of the matter, I feel absolutely adrift, mentally. I'm shattered (but happy) but I can't remember anything, process anything or manage anything beyond caring for the kids and the basics for me. I've been what I'd consider to be a really good Mum, but I'm crap now.

I'm anxious and scatty, weepy and nervy. Overwhelmed and unstuck.... But I don't think it's postnatal depression. I don't feel depressed, I feel mentally ill because I can't function.

I feel like I need to go to the GP and ask for medication to calm my mind. Is it that my brain lived in a constant state of anticipated pain/loss/fear last year and now is malfunctioning because it doesn't know what to do with itself, it does feel a bit PTSDlike? or is it actually PND or just baby brain?

Caveat; DH very supportive. Good Dad, involved partner. Cooks, cleans, thinks, emotes.

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been on such a difficult journey but glad to hear that you have support at home.

I have complex PTSD because one of my kids has a volatile life limiting and life threatening condition - he's 30 now and living independently. I feel like I recognise what you're describing above, especially when you say you're not processing anything and can't remember stuff. I think what might happen is that when it's really tough we tend to try and protect ourselves by keeping things in our working memory rather than laying them down in our long term memory. Unfortunately, over time, this can cause problems because it means we're not effectively 'filing' our experience and so it's all permanently present and overwhelming.

There's a book I found helpful called 'Trauma is Really Strange' - available in PDF form @ London Metropolitan University. I believe I found this helpful because it enabled me to articulate to myself what might be going on and, in turn, I found reaching out for help easier in some ways.

You've been though a lot. I wish you every bit of luck in the future.

It could be PTSD but PND can also manifest in some of the ways you are describing. It isnt just about being depressed. It can be rage, anxiety, forgetfulness, lack of sleep / too much sleep etc. I had a very poorly baby in NICU and then was diagnosed with PND but I also felt like it was a bit of a trauma response to what happened. I couldnt talk about anything to do with her birth without crying to everyone i met. It was like i had zero resilience. It was really tough and i didnt realise how ill i was until a long time afterwards.

Have you spoken to your HV? Mine did referral to the perinatal MH team on my behalf initially no need to go via the GP if you dont want to - they may be more used to seeing women who have had similar experiences to you. I cant remember the cut off for HV to refer, but might be worth a chat to her in the first instance.

Im very sorry for your losses and congratulations on the birth of your baby. Wishing you all the very best 💐

I’m sorry OP for your losses. To answer your questions, I think it can be both.

I had PND with my second, though honestly, I didn’t know I did until it lifted and I could look back on how unwell I was. At about the 3 month point, my mum came to visit (it was a really difficult visit, there is a lot of trauma there) and she had been recently diagnosed with cancer. She lives on the other side of the world. I didn’t know if I’d even see her again after she went home to begin treatment. I’d also had a loss just before I got pregnant with my baby.

I drove her to the station to head home, came home, and was sitting in my bedroom feeding my baby. BIL and SIL had come over for a BBQ and everyone else was outside having a lovely time. And I just sat in a dark room and it was like someone closed the shutters on the world.

I didn’t feel depressed or sad or anxious or angry. I felt nothing. It was like the world turned to monochrome and I just existed through the next few months. I also didn’t think I was depressed. I wasn’t sad at all. I was empty. It wasn’t until probably sometime after my baby turned 1 that it was like the world popped back into colour. It was only when that happened that I could look back and realise how unwell I’d been.

I think it is PND because 3-6 months is often the time when it appears, but it can absolutely be triggered by trauma. It doesn’t have to be one or the other in isolation.

I’m so sorry OP, for your losses and that you are feeling this way. It does sound like you need some help- medication or therapy? Have either of these been helpful before? I hope you can get back to yourself soon. It doesn’t make you a bad mum in any way!

You do you. What you've been though is fucking horrific! Whether it's time to heal / process / whatever you need to get help to deal with it. Hope you get the peace you need to enjoy your beautiful baby and congratulations. Sending lots of love xx

Please talk to your GP or Health Visitor about how you're feeling. It's very possible that you're suffering from PTSD but I had PND after my 2nd baby and it definitely felt much more like anxiety than depression. I was nervy, weepy, dizzy, couldn't think straight, afraid to be alone - none of this was like me at all and I felt like a different person. It progressed to panic attacks and GP prescribed antidepressants which did really help. It took probably a year for me to feel like myself again. There is help available and you don't need to struggle with this alone. Please do see your GP. Look after yourself lovely 💐

You don't have to go to the GP or HV with a diagnosis and the answers, you can just tell them how you feel and let them help you figure out what is going on and how to move forward.

You have been through so much and unfortunately PTSD and PND are not mutually exclusive. Take any and all help to let you enjoy your lovely baby.