For feeling like I’m never going to find someone?

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I have left an abusive relationship (a while ago now) my kids are very young and I am raising them on my own. I am focused on being a mum now especially while recovering myself and laying solid grounds for my children to heal from, too.
I do wonder though, at night or when I get lonely, if I ever really will meet anyone at all
my perspective has changed. I don’t go out drinking I don’t smoke. I am a mother and that’s all. Which is wonderful and all I need (until they grow older!). Of course when they’re older I will still be there, but then I’m left on my own in the big wide world (kind of feels that way, anyway!) where they will not need me as much as they do now.
I sit and think to myself, I don’t even know if I could trust a man again. I certainly couldn’t trust a stranger around my children as the possibilities of getting with a creep, gives me the creeps. I don’t want a man right now, either. It would take my precious time away from what means the most to me (being a mum).. but one day I would love to settle down. I’m in my 30s now and I wonder the chances of actually meeting somebody when I never go out, I’m hardly on social media, not on any dating sites and I have a heavy past of domestic abuse….ain

I mean statistically you'll find someone, lose them, find another...that's how life goes. Often up into old age. I think the idea of finding someone is kinda...fairytaley tbh. In real life, sometimes we have partners, sometimes we don't. Ultimately you're the only person that will be with you from beginning to end.

Maybe that sounds a bit cold but it's really not. It means when people in your life stop being who you need them to be and vice versa you for them, you are both free to move on.

Relationships are not endings. Or happily ever afters. They are just company. Some more long term than others.

I'm sure you'll date again. Probably find some nice partners, and some not so nice ones. And the wheel spins on. Such is life.

We have to get over the idea of settling down with the one though. It's largely crap. And a risk to you especially considering the history of abuse (which of course anyone can be at risk to but..an idea of 'the one' for example can make you extra vulnerable).

sadly, you might be right.
I do like the idea of finding “the one” I always have.
I do feel my usual type is no good. Look where is got me. I always went for the men who set my inside on fire in terms of giving me butterflies and excitement. It always ended bad.
I now know I want a nice quiet man, one that is genuinely peaceful and hard working and one who treats me well (if I ever find him). I’m at a point I understand it might not be “the one” but I’d like company… ideally… but the thought of bringing a man around my children scares th daylights out of me!

Only problem is that Mr nice quiet and peaceful is just as big a risk as the one you get butterflies from. Unfortunately abusers don't come with a sign.

I'm sure you can find one you really like that also treats you well! These things take time.

Added worry if paedos out there targeting single muns so definitely do your due dillegence there.

I mean I consider myself a romantic but I try to think of it as I'm not settling for anything less than butterfiles and kindness. And if and when he stops making my life better, I'll pie him off. Because ultimately, I know I'm fine on my own. So I absolutely believe in a one...just that he is temporary and shall remain forever on probation lol.

You sound so lovely & have your priorities right, putting Your Lovely Children 1st & being a Mum~
I know it seems cliche, but when the time's right, you'll meet someone ~
Wishing You&Yours all the utmost very best, sincere soul 💚

Thank you so much x

That is exactly what I am deceiving. Peados targeting… I would absolutely do a Claire’s law but also it puts me off meeting anyone while my children are so young and impressionable. I am put off dating sites as advertising I’m single with children to strangers on the internet just does not sit right with me, one bit. That is what puts me off wanting to meet a man when I think into what risks is poses to my children. I know I am thinking worst case here, but it absolutely happens and of course mostly it isn’t the mothers fault if she has done due diligence, however it’s a risk I absolutely am not willing to take.

I meant describing, sorry, not deceiving.

You're absoloutely right to be focussing on your children atm. Spot on intuition ; you're leaps and bounds ahead and doing exactly what they need you to do.

Just try and fill in the gaps with friends and hobbies and interests where possible. I say where possible because I imagine it is difficult time wise. But you still need to be you otherwise you'll go mad.

The man thing - do you need to worry about that now? What does worrying about it today solve if by your own admission you do not want one today?

Have you done any therapy or counselling on the effects abusive relationships have had on you? Have you been able to identify why and how those men came to be in your life?

I have a history of abuse in my family and I once realised I needed to be “healed” and raise my bar far, far higher than anything I’d ever been taught, before I could even consider having a relationship that would resemble anything healthy. The dynamics and patterns I knew, were toxic.

I believe wholeheartedly that every woman (especially those with a history of abuse or low self-esteem) should spend a considerable amount of time being single AND working on herself at some point in her life - the earlier the better.

There is a danger in not doing so, in that one day the need to find “company” and “the one” will trump the need for healthy relationships and our bar will slip.

I have not done therapy as they have offered 2 hour blocks right in the week where I am working and cannot get off work. If I loose my job or quit my job I am looking at sever impacts for my family. I have, however, started a therapy pathway for a day where I am WFH but the dates have not yet been booked in. I haven’t mentioned DA to this therapist yet. I am booked in under low self esteem and how I can ignore my inner voice judging my parenting which makes me over compensate and perhaps then miss key parenting tips. My whole focus right now is becoming a better mother. Partly because although I don’t think my children seen a lot of abuse (hardly anything other than the odd heated row - him against me not me against him so it was clear abuse they saw) I feel awfully guilty of putting them into this situation and they absolutely deserve the best part and most dedicated mother moving forward and the other part is because… they’re children who I birthed and they deserve the best anyway.

Maybe I am in the thick of healing? Maybe this is a huge part of low self esteem? Maybe this is just my nervous system acting up while it requires? I don’t know.

While I say my whole focus is my mothering on a post I created about never meeting anyone!(very hypercritical!) My focus right now is parenting, my intention later down the line is meeting someone that I don’t feel will ever happen. I realise on this threat I sound very mixed with feeling and thought and to be honest, I am in real life too!

Women’s Aid do the freedom programme, have a look in to that.

Its easier said than done but looking round my friends, we are a good 25 to 30 years older than you the ones that have always seemed to ponder the question of a partner and stress on it seemed to have done the worst overall. The few of us that seemed to not give a toss and I can think of two of my friends who are also like me have had the best time of it. Men can sniff out desperation. especially abusers.I volunteered for a DV charity for quite a while and have also met many survivors of DV through a charity not specifically for them but that they used often.

I always looked at life as doing as much as possible, experiences, meeting people, trying hobbies. If a man came along then great as long as he didn’t interfere with what I wanted to do too much.

The only guy that gave me instant butterflies, we met at a conference, not abusive in the least and we did date, it burnt out over a year. DH was a slow burner that I liked immensely as a friend at work. Friendship is so important but overlooked in romantic relationships. We share our two main hobbies, so that’s great he actually wants to do the same things as me.