to still miss ex a year later?

[Maria53]

I woke up this morning in tears because I dreamt about my ex for the first time in months. In previous dreams, we were always still together but in this one we hugged clearly post break up. It felt so real.

We were together 3 years and seemed very happy/in love. But when I brought up making a more serious commitment he at first said yes he wanted all those things with me, he then cut and run saying he couldn't go through it again (he was divorced). Even as he we were breaking up he said he loved me and I was the happiest relationship he had ever had. And we never spoke again.

I had therapy after the break up but it was complicated by the fact I had two bereavements around the same time. I got a new job and took up a new hobby, made new friends.

But I thought I'd be further on a year later? I didn't think I'd still miss him. But he was my best friend and I do. When I think 'I'll never see him again' it's debilitating.

I don't speak to friends or family about him anymore because I know most would expect you to be over it/wouldn't want to hear about it. I'm almost embarrassed I still feel this way although it's not every day.

I'm also early 30s, about to be mid 30s, and I think any chance to have a serious partnership with potential kids is slipping away. To be honest I'd be happy with just a happy relationship if it came to it but I still seem very far from that. And I don't know how to trust this wouldn't happen again. I've got multiple weddings to attend this summer and find myself feeling ashamed that I can't make this happen in my life the way others can.

Of course it’s ok to still fee how you feel! They are your feelings!

It’s natural to miss someone who was an important part of your life for this long. But if you’re spending too much time focussing on the past that’ll likely mean you stay stuck in this frame of mind for longer than is healthy.

It sounds like you’ve got lots of positive things in your life so keep yourself busy with these. You’ve time to meet someone who wants the same things as you.

I think your feelings are valid, a lot happened in a short time so maybe your sads got muddled up, I’m sure that if you allow these feelings they will lessen. BTW I often this fondly of my x we were together for 20years and separated over 20! And sometimes I miss him. You seem to be doing all the right things xx chin up

I think it can take longer than people think to get over someone. You probably need more time.
I was with my ex-H 26yrs and I still miss him in weird ways - the man he was when we were happy together. I don't miss the man he is now - the mid-life crisis man - I don't want him back.
Funnily enough, I do miss him at people's weddings - when everyone else seems to be all coupled up. Maybe it's all the weddings setting this off OP.

thanks for the replies everyone. I have been inconsolable today for some reason. I think about him every day still but usually not like before and don't cry much. When I woke up this morning the dream was so lucid I felt I'd just seen him.

@LovesLabradors I think the weddings might have set me off. I was dress shopping last night and RSVP'ing to weddings with lots of photos of the happy couples. I'm happy for them! But I can't help the sadness for my own lost dreams with my ex. We also broke up April, so I think coming into April has really hit home.

I think, what if I do meet someone again? How could I trust them not to cut and run out of the blue like last time? I know I'm not getting younger yet find it impossible to think about meeting someone new and having faith in a new experience.

I think this is harder to get over OP because of the way it ended. It wasn't a clean end. He wasn't brave enough to say to you - sorry I don't love you enough to commit. You need to hear and believe that to move on. He left it messy. Imagine him saying those words. Ir will hurt, but it will help you move on. Right now you're stuck thinking you drove a good man away. You didn't you revealed hos lack of true feelings. Good luck OP

You have nothing to feel ashamed of - your worth as a person is not defined by whether or not you marry or have children, either by a specific age or at all.

Comparing yourself to others is the enemy of happiness and good mental health - you only see the highlights not the low points of other people's lives, and God knows there are people in absolutely terrible, abusive situations presenting as the perfect family.

I still think about "the one that got away" 20 years later from time to time. I've gone as far as typing a message, then deleted it.

But don't let it stop you moving on with your life and seeking joy wherever you can. Grief is the price we pay for love. Most people would still choose to love, even understanding this.

I think you're right and the biggest shock for me overall was to realise he didn't love me that much. I thought we both loved each other a lot. The hard part is thinking, why didn't he love me enough to commit? What did his ex wife have that I didn't, if he vows that ours was his happiest relationship? And avoiding tying that reality to my self esteem.

@Charliede1182 thank you, I know this in theory. But there is societal pressure on women and it's hard to separate myself from that. And I do still want a loving relationship - I devoted years of my life to building this relationship only for him to walk away with total ease. He even said he wanted us to have kids together 2 months before leaving. We discussed planning for it.

And if I'm honest I do worry that people think it's me. I know I'm a good and loving partner, I have a good family and several friends of 20+ years, a great career and a creative hobby that makes me happy. I wonder why it hasn't happened for me. Having these thoughts doesn't ruin my life but they can be hard to live with at times.