DD's dad refusing to spend money on her

[Cryingatthegym]

... And telling her 'I send your mum money so she should get it for you'.

I'm talking things like a nice top that she's seen in the supermarket, a birthday present for a friend (once, I usually get them but forgot on one occasion) and today - some cough medicine.

She's 11. He pays £170 a month CMS.

AIBU to be fucked off by this?

He wouldn't even buy her medicine?! What an absolute waste of space, does he think it costs £340 a month total to keep a child, he's dreaming

Truthfully this is when she’ll start to see him for what is.

Keep being a good mum.

Don’t bad mouth him. Just say. Your dad it’s a small contribution but it doesn’t cover the true costs of housing , food etc.

If she mature enough and takes an interest in finances do a quick income and expenditure budget so she can see what trues costs to living are and she will be bright enough to see quite how little his contribution is.

If his daughter needs medication but he isn't providing it for her when she's in his care is considered neglect.

The other stuff doesn't fall to you because he pays CMS. Frustrating, but you cannot do anything about it if he won't buy the things she'd like.

Many many years ago early in my relationship with my now husband he was doing a budget to look at affordability for a better flat so they could stay over.

After all essential spending and servicing debts from the marriage as well as maintenance payments he had something like £6 spare a month.

Do you know what he said. Well I suppose I’ll have to drop swimming to every other month which is sad as they love it.

That’s a man who cares about his children.

He wouldn’t even buy cough medicine. Quite disgusting.

I thought fathers were responsible for buying things for their child when they have custody e g. Clothes, medication, food etc?

Another man living in cloud cuckoo land, yes you’re entitled to be fucked off.
Not providing medicine when it’s needed is abuse.

I mean, he's a knob by all accounts (and I think PP is right that poor DD is starting to realise that now), but I'm mostly pissed off at him dragging her into adult conversations that shouldn't concern her (not for the first time) and making her feel rubbish.

If you're that hard up or resentful, just ask me to transfer you the extra £££, don't make DD feel shit for wanting or needing something that costs a few quid. Twat.

They are.
I used to have to send a packed lunch otherwise they weren’t fed

Ok this is far more shocking...

Poor girl :(
What he's doing is not great for building her sense of self worth.

I dont think it actually is more shocking. I think its right on level with refusing to buy cough the medicine, neglectful.

Let him. And then scoop her up when she gets home and explain to her how it’s so wrong of him.

My dad was like this (except he paid no maintenance, despite living a very nice lifestyle). Once I was about her age, I figured him out very quickly. It almost became a joke how shit he was. I had no overnights with him ever and I avoided seeing him except for a few obligatory lunches/Christmas/my birthday.

The experience meant I have really good boundaries and because my mum backed me up and validated that yes, he was pretty shit, I developed a good radar for sniffing out bullshit which has served me well in life.

I’ve been through all this. They soon see them for who they really are. My DDs relationship with their dad is based on guilt and manipulation not genuine love. It’s very sad. Keep doing what your doing you can’t change him sadly

Don’t be surprised if your DD votes with her feet soon.

He is a twat. I remember being about 12 and asking my Dad for a book I wanted to read, it was 95p (long time ago!). My hideous step mother piped up that I couldn’t have it because my mother should pay for things like that. I’ve never forgotten and it’s one of the many, many reasons I haven’t seen my useless, spineless Dad or that dreadful skank of a person for decades.

That's awful, maybe make sure she always has access to say £20 if he's such a twat. What if her period starts or her shoe breaks?

Gosh, some of these stories are heartbreaking.

@Doggymummar I've actually just set her up with a Monzo card for this exact reason. Like I said though, it's less about the money and more about how it's making her feel. Even if he does think that, he should raise it with me, not moan to her about having to spend a few extra quid.

I Know but at least you're protecting her, poor kid

What an absolute prize idiot he is. You’re right to get her own account as this idiot is not going to stop involving her in adult conversations so best she just has money herself to get what she needs. Hilarious he thinks his small donation covers all her housing and clothing needs.

I know this is not the point and he should pay when he is with her, but he won’t change. Is it worth getting a card of her own with say £20 so if she does need to get something when she is with him she can. That’s what I do with my DD