To think that it doesn't take a village

[Amaltanda]

DH and I both have large families but we don't live near them. We don't have any support except a fairly infrequent teenage babysitter, and we just manage our parenting and childcare etc between ourselves. We are a very solid unit and our kids are very well behaved, doing well at school etc etc.

We find that when we do go home, our siblings have very different parenting styles to us, our own parents think its still the '80s in terms of their approach to childcare and it can generally be very stressful that they have these attitudes which are very different to ours. I do think it is good for children to be exposed to different types of people and that its not good for them to live in a bubble where everyone is like mummy and daddy, but i notice that our kids get exposed to things before we want them to be, hear language we don't use around them and start developing unwanted behaviour such as answering back, having tantrums, not following instructions etc that they dont have when its just us.

Our kids then want to do things that their cousins can do but which we don't like, such as watching movies rated 15 when they are 9, or going out by themselves when we think they are too young.

I am a teacher and I notice that some of the children with the worst behaviour have huge extended families that they are very close to and one parent told me that she cant follow up with consequences at home because the grandparents just undermine the mum by saying 'kids will be kids'.

My husband said that he thinks the phrase 'it takes a village' isnt really just about having different childcare options, but also having different people to teach your child different things and nurture them in different ways to how you do it. The way I see it, in my experience at least, our 'village' hasn't been very helpful bar doing the basic supervision duties if we fancy a rare 2 hours at a nearby restaurant.

Do you have a village that you find helpful or do you find it stressful like me, when its around?

I think a "village" is all sorts of people, including teachers at school. Not sure why you think it is family specifically. Having influence from a variety of people is a good thing, but this is not the same as having influence from one large, potentially dysfunctional, family.

The village isn't just your family and its no just about babysitting, it's friends and other networks, and it's so children can see that other people do things in different ways.

At some point your children will be influenced by their peers, who have been influenced by older siblings. There's no stopping that. And one day your children may say to you 'I didn't like that thing about how you raised me, I'm doing it differently'. And you will learn to accept that in order to be a grandparent to their children.

My kid is exposed to adults swearing, but doesn't swear, because we've explained that some people will find it offensive and might think differently of them if they do. If you are open as well as structured at home, then you don't need to worry about the effect of other people on your children.

I never had a village but I do agree that saying is more about the different inputs people have into our child's life. Not just childcare. Children can learn many things from different people.

I wish I did have a village but my parents moved away from any possibility of me having extended family. I really miss having extended family for myself now. I think the village is valuable at all life stages. You don't need it, but it is good to have in most instances.

I literally live in a small village where many people have lived for generations. Hated it as a teen because the postmistress was friends with my granny and the local policeman knew everything.

As a parent I love that there is still a postmistress who knows many of the village kids. Sadly the local policeman has gone but its place has been taken by a brilliant WhatsApp group of locals who share what nefarious deeds are going on.

The kids go to YFC where if you get yourself in trouble an older member will pick you up, dust you off and help you out.

A local family recently had a cancer diagnosis for a child and didn’t cook a meal for two months.

There are great role models everywhere - brownies, scouts, church youth group, football, rugby.

Of course there are downsides to not having complete control of how your children are raised. If your family are not a good influence then it's obviously not that helpful to have 'a village'. However, if your family and close friends are all along the same lines as you in terms of values and education, with some variations in perspective that enrich your child's upbringing, that's fantastic. You get support and your kids get high quality input from a range of adults and other children.

I moved a long way from family so have no village, but I live in a small community in which it is very normal for families (even middle-class, educated families who typically might be more mobile) to literally live in the same village as their parents and siblings. I am frankly blown away by their quality of life. The kids can walk home from school to their grandparents' house. They have Sunday lunch every week with aunts and uncles and cousins. We know one child who regularly goes bird-watching with his grandfather, one who's grandma teaches her the piano and another who meets her cousins at the beach every weekend. Grandparents provide huge amounts of holiday childcare and drive children to sports clubs. Obviously this is a selective picture because the people with crap parents they don't like have not elected to live in the same area as them, but if it works the advantages are huge.

I think this is a weird way of bitching about your extended families child rearing and framing your parenting as superior to that and you’re thinly veiled it was being about the village to raise a child concept. Does that help?

I grew up with a village, it was great. It ga e me a lot of different experiences and support that I believe helped shape me in to a resilient adult. Boundaries weren't as strict when I slept over at grandparents or aunts, no bedtimes, lots of sweet treats. Some if my cousins had awful behaviour, 1 to the point of being put into a young offenders institute. It never impacted my behaviour, I followed the rules at home and was respectful to all adults and well behaved at school, definitely never copied the criminal behaviour! Maybe your DC are more susceptible to copying as they haven't had much exposure to different people.

Wrong. My husband and I have literally been talking about 'the village' as a concept.

But the village to raise a child concept generally refers to where you live - so neighbours telling off your kids if they’ve made a mess of their garden playing football.

Other adults correcting them in shops if they aren’t queuing properly.

The actual scenario of the community around the child helping to shape expectations of them.

It’s not really a concept about occasionally visiting family who live a long way away.

This has got to be totally subjective and dependent on you, and your ‘village’ surely?

I’ve pretty much always been a single parent. And I have loved my ‘village’. Of mainly my parents, and siblings. But also my ex’s parents. And my lovely next door neighbours as well.

I don’t have particularly strong views on what I do and don’t want my children to do either though. I could not care less (genuinely) if grandparents or whoever totally spoil my children and let them do whatever. As long as they’re safe. Which they always were. If anything, my dad was far more anxious than I was.

I think I’m of the ‘more the merrier’ mindset. Surely having more people that love them and that they love is good for children?

That’s not what I understand by the phrase “it takes a village”. For me it’s more about children’s safety and welfare being a collective responsibility of all adults in society. Like driving carefully, not idling your car engine outside the school, not letting your dog shit all over the play area at the park etc.

When I was growing up, back in the 80s and 90s, it was also the acceptance that it was okay for adults who weren’t your parents to tell you off if necessary, but also to watch out for you and step in to help if you were in danger/injured/lost whatever.

Basically everything we’ve lost that means children have much less freedom and independence than they did a generation ago.

So why are you being so sneery about your extended family’s parenting?

You, as a teacher should known families, children and circumstances vary. You have a partner, and it doesn't sound like you've had to deal with a major illness or accident. I hope you never do.

I'm a single mum (not through choice), both my parents are dead and siblings live a long distance away.

I manage fine but I've needed help three times in 15 years, once while I was having an op for cancer and twice when undergoing chemo. Ds' school helped with the first (occasional boarding) and a sibling helped with the other two. So my "village" has been indispensable but reserved for when absolutely necessary.

As others have said 'it takes a village' doesn't necessarily refer to extended family but to having support from friends, maybe family, other people in the community etc. And while you might have differences in parenting approaches, I think it's beneficial for children to have close loving relationships with grandparents. Children are adaptable and soon understand that rules are often more relaxed with grandparents than they are at home!

I’m a single parent and my “village” is wonderful, at various times it has consisted on my parents, my siblings, my neighbours, mum friends from school, the children’s Nanny, even my children’s Dad (EXDP).

I’ve worked my way up to Executive Director level and could never in a million years have been able to get to where I am or do what I do if I didn’t have my “village”.

I don’t think “it takes a village” as if you don’t have one you make it work without. I do however think that a village is nice to have. I attended my GDs first end of term assembly yesterday with her mum and other grandmother. GD was so happy to have us all there. My three kids never had a family member attend anything as they lived in different countries so we just got on with it (and are probably closer as a family unit because of it) but I did feel sorry for them sometimes.

The way @manaliiiive explains it is the way I understand the village concept too.

You shouldn’t care about your kids being influenced if they’re only ever in your care lol (and you say how well behaved they are).

be honest, you and your husband are being smug.

I wish I had a village because, whilst we do manage just fine, I feel permanently sick and exhausted and wish for just a small part, my husband and I had someone who could look after us a little bit. Probably selfish but there it is.

I agree with almost everyone else.

Your 'village' are the people around you, who support you.
For me, when my dc were younger, that was two different sets of neighbours.... our Church...... people that we knew from the volunteering dh and I had been doing for years ..... friends we had known for years ...... then sports coaches and Scout Leaders etc .... also parents of dcs' friends ......

For some people they will also have family members, but you aren't usually related to most people in your "village".

The Village concept doesn't mean family members who help you out

Especially people who are officially help out with childcare

That's not the village

Well, of course it's easier to manage your kids in a vacuum, but that's hardly preparing them for the real world and it's influence. A village isn't extended family if they have little influence over your kid's upbringing. Also, a 'village' works both ways; if you feel improvements can be made to what you deem as your 'village', you could try to get more involved to improve it.

Interestingly, my aunt thought we were feral compared to her kids (she didn't hide her feelings). The truth? We simply couldn't stand her and her visits- she acted like a queen and my grandma treated her like one because my aunt rarely visited, and her in-laws were educated and well-off. We were, knowingly, on our worst behaviour because she was unpleasant towards us all. We observed how the rest of the family tolerated her behaviour just to keep the peace. Very un-village-like! We were used to family challenging unkind behaviour, but everyone walked on egg shells when she visited. However, we loved our cousins (her kids), and always involved them in everything we did (nothing dangerous; walks to the shops on the high road, we also taught them how to care for their hair differently, baked with them, listened to music of the time etc). They loved us. We nurtured them differently, yet everything we did just irritated my aunt. Your post reminded me of her 😂

I moved to my village as a single parent when DS was 3 weeks old.

DS had a temperature one evening after his first jabs, and I’d run out of nurofen. Someone in the village who I’d only just met drove 15 miles to the nearest late night chemist to buy me some.

That winter, the old man over the road cleared all the snow from my drive.

A lady down the road saw me pushing DS in a buggy, and popped round later with some toys she’d had when her grandchildren were younger.

When my kids were at school, I knew if I was delayed to pick them up, there were about 20 different parents I could rely on to look after them for me. And I’d do the same for them.

Everyone looks out for each other, and that includes the kids.

It doesn’t mean that you can’t teach your kids your values, and expect them to follow your rules. Of course you can. But no one is an island, and sooner or later we all need other people. And maybe they won’t give your child vegetables with their tea like you would, but if your car has broken down 10 miles away, then those other people are life savers!

I also read it as a stealth brag.

Ths only thing I would say with "it takes a village" - maybe its easier day to day. What about if something went wrong like one of you with a longer term illness or even hospital admissions?
Would the other be able to cover everything without the support of a village?

What is an 80s approach to childcare ?