High School Unreasonable or Am I Overreacting?

[LivelyLilacDeer]

Firstly thank you for reading this has been difficult to write!

To explain some history...Since joining high school my child has really struggled socially and academically, ADHD concerns were raised in primary school however like everyone else we joined a waiting list. Since starting high school my child began to struggle with what can only be described as anxiety and heighten toilet use. For the past 3 years we have been back and too the GP and a paediatrician, I have supplied various appointments letters to school as these appointments are often in school time. It has been a constant battle with school to allow toilet use i have had to pay for a GP letter to school detailing "struggling with soiling about 3 times per week with polyuria", I have had to request a zoom meeting with school and nurse who also confirmed stress can contribute and make this worse hence why some weeks may be better than others. 4 months ago I received a call from a teacher at school telling me he has many years experience and my child does not have any medical conditions and is going to fail school due to lack of engagement- as you can imagine i lost it and asked him in what year he gained his medical qualifications at which point it became evident actually he did not have any qualifications that would support his expert opinion. Fast forward to Feb and school invited me to a meeting no idea what it was about i looked and there was a chain of emails "mum doesnt get it" "she cant see what the problem is" ect this is dispite a lot of letters from medical professionals i may add and myself accidentially being invited to an internal meeting. Today I find out they are standing at the front of the class with an egg timer to only allow my child 2 mins from seat to seat so to speak to use the toilet. I can not believe in this day and age this is allowed let alone practiced by those that are deemed professionals, I find this humiliating and actually making the situation worse, which i thought the situation would change after getting his diagnoses of inattentive ADHD however the school have not even acknowlegded this in terms of support- or even contacted me about it...really I am at my wits end and could really do with advice and thoughts of what to do next as part from taking in soiled underwear I am at a lost.

Teacher here, I would not be calling to disagree with a diagnosis, and the 2 min time is extreme but from my pupils some do take an excessive amount of time out of class to visit the toilets. Perhaps engagement in class and due to frequent toilet visits is the issue, you did mention possible need for ADHD which may be showing up as lack of engagement if easily distracted. It sounds poorly managed on their part which won't help.
Edited to say sorry I got distracted myself and re read the last half of your post! He should have a plan for support for both issues and you should have a right to complain about this teacher- comments and the timer. Neither are appropriate.

Is there more going on here regarding your child's behaviour?

There is likely far more to this than you are seeing.

Some kids have a toilet pass but mis-use them.

I suggest listening to what the school are saying. He may have a medical condition but that doesn't mean he isn't misusing his permission to go to the bathroom.

(Secondary school teacher here)

The toilet thing is clearly being handled very badly.

But what is his behaviour and attainment like?

It seems like the school think that there are other things going on as well as the toilet issues

Another teacher here. The internal email thread sounds unprofessional. The issue itself seems complicated. Being honest with yourself, and see if you can get your son to be honest with you: how many of these toilet visits are genuinely necessary? Is he using this as an excuse to miss large parts of many lessons? If the answer is no, and the toilet trips are medically necessary, then this needs to be discussed with the school. If they are not medically necessary (and I am not saying they are or they aren’t btw), then this also needs to be addressed. ADHD diagnosis or not, missing large parts of lessons regularly will affect his learning. I teach so many students with toilet passes, time out passes etc - my dc included. Some use them for their genuine purpose, many are misusing them. It’s simply become part of their routine to use them each lesson, usually when a task begins. I can’t say no, but it saddens me because I see them get less and less engaged with learning, the more they miss, which leads them to want to get out of lessons even more. A negative cycle. I understand your anger with the school tbh (the timer thing is unhinged), but it’s probably time to put that anger aside for now, and have some real honest conversations with your DS, then with the school, and properly get to the bottom of things.

It sounds like your child is really struggling. They're so anxious in school they've developed toileting issues.

I see that there are replies from teachers saying misuse of toilet passes causes lack of engagement in lessons and will cause them to fall behind. Understandably, the school/teacher focus will always be on attendance at all costs.

As a parent of a child who has ADHD and ASD and who went into a very serious burnout from the stress of school and the pressure to attend an environment they couldn't cope with, it's important to try and find the cause of the stress and reduce it. My child's lack of engagement wasn't caused by them using their exit card it was caused by them not being able to cope with lessons, not being able to keep up with the pace of the curriculum and generally being in an environment that was causing them mental and physical harm. That's why they needed to leave the class.

Stopping or limiting the child leaving class isn't getting to the root cause. It's making things worse. The school doesn't sound very SEN aware or supportive. Unfortunately that's the case in most Secondary schools which is why there's a growing crisis of SEN pupils being persistently absent.

Can you speak to the school SENCO? If you manage to get an EHCP the toilet breaks will be legally enforceable even if the teachers don't want to allow them.

You said he has "anxiety and heighten toilet use"

Is the need to go to the toilet a need caused by a physical medical problem? Or is it a symptom of feeling extremely anxious?

If it's the second, which is how it reads, he needs mental health support for his anxiety. This needs treating as a separate issue to his ADHD

The Adhd may well be causing him to spend longer on his toilet visits, but that's beside the point.

Even legitimate medical reasons can’t make a teacher award good grades if the learning hasn’t been completed and the work hasn’t been done.

It sounds like the teachers have been trying to relay something to you but you're just not hearing it
Have you considered a therapist for your child ?

Have you actually asked the school how many times a day your son is using his toilet pass? Is it every single lesson? My guess is you may be shocked at the answer. Is he walking the corridors looking to avoid lessons? When he is not in school does he genuinely need to go to the toilet all the time? ( if he is doing so at school).
if you are happy for him to continue with the toilet pass, and if it is being misused you are failing him. Not only will he underperform, but he will not be able to manage once he enters the work place. School Attendance means engaging with learning,, or there is no point in bothering.

I'd use this opportunity to find out what the teacher and email trail meant. Calmly.

Are there any learning needs, in addition to ADHD (I understand there is a diagnosis?), since academic work was hard from the start? They would explain anxiety, lots of toilet breaks in school and the above comments.

I too think that the call and email trail were unprofessional but I do agree with asking the school how often he’s going to the toilet.

Does he take any medication for ASD and for his anxiety and does he do anything to help himself like running or medication?

Has CMPA been ruled out too? CMPA could affect him wanting the toilet more urgently and more often.

My Dd has ADHD. Asking to go to the toilet was her way of coping when she felt overwhelmed. At no point was she refused permission to go. What school did was give her a card which was red in one side and green on the other.

if she was feeling overwhelmed she would leave the red card on her table. If it was a genuine need to go to the loo, she left the green side showing.

It helped (a bit) because her teachers could see WHY she was leaving the room.

School still wasn’t great at dealing with the levels of overwhelm, but it helped to unpick the problem a little.

Your son’s school is handling this very badly. Placing a limit on how many times or for how long he can go will simply increase the anxiety around it.

However, it’s also important that you recognise how much learning he is likely to be losing.

You've got to go to the bottom of this, I mean even with ADHD diagnosis this will not be a wild card for him to do whatever he wants at school. The school is trying to tell you that your child is not engaging at school and is likely to fail - what have you been doing at home to help him? When you ask him, why he is behaving like that at school, what does he say? Do you help him at home with his schooling, do you have the books, does he do his homework, can you see at what academic level he is? What other problems are there, what his family life is like? Is he at SEN register at school - and if yes - what is his plan at school (the school must have a plan in place for all SEN pupils). Engage with the school's SENCO and get to the bottom of this.

Thank you for your replies!

For the Teachers on the thread class charts is 3/4 green, mostly the reds are "not meeting learning expectations" or low level issues such as talking. My child does have slower processing and often does struggle to complete a set task in the set time frame- this is not new, my child is not "perfect" however I don't believe is overly "problematic" other than the toilet use. To put figures on it sometimes its once a day others up to 3 times a day, their last full week in school they used their toilet pass 7 times over 5 days.

However yes the treatment at school is actually making things worse and increases the frequency of toileting however, i feel is not taken into account by the school- toilet use increases then they are in more trouble and we just go round in circles.

Yes i believe the ADHD is poorly managed at school, as for 3 years there advice is "they will grow out of it" "its more interesting in year 10 as they pick their options" (SENCO). The schools answer to putting in adjustments is they are inclusive of different needs they do all their powerpoints with a blue tint....Since receiving a diagnosis, i have informed the school and they also received a copy of the details- Its been 6 weeks and they have not even rang me to discuss next steps or new avenues of support that may be available.

Support at home, child has received external tutoring alongside 121 support from me with homework, homework is always completed although if left to do alone is not the best standard, hence why i provide this support. Homework feels like it takes longer than i would expect, often verbally they can describe the work or give the answer however in practice putting pen to paper and getting the points across correct is a challenge.

How do we get on the SEN register, they were on this in primary however i believe were removed at some point- is this not automatic? I also asked school for support with EHCP they are not in support of this and dont believe they would be accepted- any ideas welcomed BTW for either supporting at home or at school!

I would ask for an appt with Senco and head of year to discuss your child’s report. (I’m assuming the report outlines what adjustments school should be making to support your child!)
Dont wait for school to contact you.

This is awful. Follow the complaints procedure all the way.

I’ll be honest, if possible, I’d be looking at moving him at another school, with better pastoral care and SEN support. Sure , you can fight them on this, but it will take time , and in the meantime your kid is stuck in this environment. There seems to be an ethos/culture problem , so even if you could force the school to accept his issues/adjustments, you can’t change their attitude.

Does he have soiling or toilet issues at home? Or only at school? The school really doesn't sound like the right fit for him at all. He can't be happy there which makes the toilet situation worse.