Passive Aggressive Washing Up ….. or Am I Being Unfair?

[PassiveAggWasherUpper]

Using a name change for this one.

My husband works from home as a contractor. His hours can be 8–6 (sometimes later if he’s on call fixing issues), but he also has some flexibility – for example he might finish early some days to go to the gym.

I work 9–3:30, 4 days a week (term time), in quite a physical job where I’m on my feet most of the day.

The issue is the washing up. We don’t have space for a dishwasher, so everything is done by hand. When I get home, the washing up from the day – breakfast bowls from all of us, his lunch things, cups etc – is often just piled up waiting for me. I did rant about this once or twice because it felt frustrating walking in from work straight into a pile of dishes.

His solution now is to wash up only what he uses. So he washes his own plate, mug etc as he goes along, but leaves the children’s breakfast things, shared cups, etc for me to do when I get in.

When I mentioned this, I said it felt quite passive aggressive. He insists it’s not – he says he just doesn’t have 10 spare minutes in one go during the day to do everything, but washing his own things takes seconds so he just does that as he goes along.

The thing is, it’s giving me absolute rage every time I walk in and see the remaining pile. I do understand that he probably thinks he’s being helpful, but it feels a bit like he’s proving a point.

Part of me now wants to go full petty and just wash up my own things or only clean the bits of the house I personally use… which obviously isn’t the solution.

Am I being unreasonable to expect that if he’s home all day, the general daytime washing up would be done? Or is this a fair split and I need to let it go?

Interested to hear how others divide things when one partner WFH, particularly when there’s no dishwasher involved.

I agree everyone on here is projecting, def me included!

I freely admit, I come at this from the POV of someone who leaves home at 6am to do gym > work > home at 6.30pm. DH is a SAHD, kids primary aged, but often "doesn't find time" to clean so I come back to find breakfast dishes waiting for me to do or having to clean whole house on the w/e.

People need an equitable workload so if the OP is "on" with kids solidly or doing paid work from 8am to 6pm I'd be sympathetic, but if kids are school age it is unlikely they need that much care in which case she should do more house stuff imo. If she also wants to go to the gym but doesn't get time that is a different convo.

This seems wildly unreasonable. He's working, he's tried to do what you asked and he's explained why he can only manage that much.

DP works from home while I work out of the home, and the most I ask him to do during the working day is turn on the washing machine with everything already loaded into it. Sometimes he does more (runs the hoover around or something), but that depends on his timing and what gaps he has. I don't think you should be expecting him to clean while he's working.

This. Don’t get into he did, she did. Just find a better way.

Oh god my brother used to be like this when we were living at home. He actually told my mum and I that he only had to do his own dishes after mum had just stood there and made dinner for us all.

I would say this is about a wider issue of how responsibility for the home and family is shared and it's getting laser focused on the washing up.

I would also say that regardless, only a twat washes his own cup.

So am I.
Funnily enough, myself and my husband don't have a dishwasher either and I never heard of passive aggressive washing up.
Massive problem, obviously.

I work from home 8:30 - 4, my partner is in an office 9-5.

I usually wash dishes from breakfast and whatever I’ve used for lunch in my lunch break. He will usually cook and wash up when he gets home and pulls his weight with other chores and childcare too.

I don't get why the children’s things are not 'his' to do but apparently they're yours to do. What's the difference between you and him in this regard?
That was a rhetorical question. Male entitlement, is the difference.

Having said that, I wouldn't be bothered by the washing up being there when I got in from work if he was going to do his share of it over time. But I'm not sure from your post if he does.

I'd get a mini countertop dishwasher anyway.

working from home is working. You work 6.5 hours a day 4 days a week so 26 hours a week and term time. Meanwhile he works 10 hours a day 5 days a week I assume so he’s working up to 50 hours a week (non term time). I’d say you should do the dishes when you come in. You’ve got the good deal

Um, I actually said they should have a conversation about whose job it is.

At the moment she is assuming it is his job and he is assuming it is hers.
So they could actually just have a conversation and agree it? Maybe even do alternate days or something?

Presumably the kids just take care of themselves of an evening or weekend then?

I work similar hours out the house.
My DP also works out the house but longer hours.
However I get up at 6am and don't stop, as I get the children ready, breakfast etc. on top of getting myself ready for work. We leave before 8am because we have a 35 minute commute to school.
Sometimes I manage to fit washing the breakfast stuff up, sometimes I don't.

Do you just get up and get yourself ready and to work OP? Do you share the job together with your DH? Or is it just you that gets the kids sorted?

Who collects the children? What time do you actually get home from your job that finishes at 3.30pm?

Does he not have a lunch break? Or a 5/10 break a couple of times a day? Lazy bastard

There is no way he is so full on WFH he can’t take a few minutes to wash up the breakfast dishes.

This would absolutely infuriate me WFH should be treated the same as working from an office your out of the equation

lose a cupboard get a dishwasher

💯 % this

I hate doing the dishes. I loved it when I had a dishwasher.

Anyway this needs more context. If he does half the rest of the life load then I think you are being unreasonable because he works so much longer. But if he does fuck all then you aren’t. I have an extremely physical job, but I only work part time so I do the majority of everything else. It balances out. My Days job is very stressful and its a majority of our household income.

In these situations, context is everything!

I think for me its the implication that any washing up the kids create is yours, whereas he can just look after himself....a common view sadly.

If he was being absolutely fair he should do exactly 50%, so his and half of the kids!

I would point out to him that him just doing his own tells you that he isnt interested in doing anything for the kids, that he thinks children are "women's work", and that is not the sort of man you thought he was. That will hit him square in the ego if he is halfway decent.

YANBU - I wfh and do the breakfast dishes, because I’m not lazy

Putting the things in soak would annoy me more tbh! As then I’d have to put my hands in to dirty water in order to wash them.

I would decide on a rota - each of you aha one day on and one day off washing up duty.

He doesn’t have to do it during his work day, but he has to do it before dinner. You do the same on your days.

My exh had a tendency to think of the children’s mess as mine too 🤔

I know that this is completely not the point of this thread but I thought I would mention it anyway. You can buy small table top dishwashers. I once saw a thread where poster mentioned it and so many people were asking for details!

Only psychopaths and my mother-in-law rinse dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. It is literally the job of the dishwasher to wash the dishes there is no need to rinse them first.

No! You have to to get all the food off.

Otherwise it clogs the dishwasher

Even I do, and I’m barely house trained!

You scrape any big bits (the same as you would before putting them in washing up water unless you change that every two items) but they don't need contact with water before being loaded into the dishwasher.