At my wits' end with DD, ex-P and unsuitable clothes

[SarahAndQuack]

Ongoing issue; this is the latest of several similar examples.

ex-P and I split a couple of years ago and have 50/50 custody of our 9-year-old DD. The agreement was that we'd both buy clothes and shoes as necessary and these would, on the whole, travel with DD. Fine. But ex-P has form for letting me buy DD clothes, then suddenly deciding she will buy replacements/alternatives, and creating a situation where what I buy is wasted. This is especially annoying when it's an item DD specifically said she wanted, or when it's relatively expensive, such as shoes or a coat. I am conflicted about this, as I am pretty sure some of the pressure not to wear these items comes from ex-P, so I worry about saying too much.

I have tried communicating clearly with ex-P, for example, saying 'DD needs new school shoes; I'm planning to buy some, does that sound ok?' or 'I've bought DD new trainers, I'll send them in the box and if she and you are still ok with them on Monday, she can wear them to school'. This doesn't seem to make a blind bit of difference.

Latest example is this. I bought DD new trainers - decent ones, about £50, properly fitted, which matters because DD has narrow feet and finds her ankles get hurt easily if her shoes don't give enough support. I checked beforehand that she'd definitely grown out of her old ones and definitely didn't have any others. Lo and behold, she turned up at mine with a cheap pair of (different) trainers that didn't fit. This week she's due to go off on holiday with ex-P and I reminded her to pack her trainers I'd bought. The next day I took her out for lunch as ex-P had to work, and she was wearing a second, different pair of trainers, which didn't fit. She complained they were rubbing on her feet, which indeed they were.

I got back to ex-P's and said, these trainers don't fit and they're rubbing on her feet. 'Oh, it's ok, they're all secondhand' ex-P said proudly. I said, ok, but DD, you've packed the new ones I bought, right? Because I think she needs properly fitting trainers so as not to hurt her feet'. DD said yes, she'd got them. I've got home and ... they're sitting in their bag at mine.

I know DD is only 9 and I could have checked she'd taken them, but clearly, she feels she shouldn't/doesn't want to. My hunch is that ex-P is just playing games here. The backstory is that she likes to make out she is terribly hard-done-by financially; she grew up pretty poor, and there is an awful lot of performative 'oh I can't afford this' sadfacing. It makes no sense here, because for the price of two cheap pairs of trainers she could have bought one decent, properly fitted pair ... and I'd already bought a bloody pair.

What the heck do I do?

You can only control what goes on at your house so just keep the shoes you want her to wear in your time with you.
if you feel other shoes are harmful, very politely put this concern to other parent in writing. Then trust the other parent to do the right thing. If you can’t trust them to look after daughter’s health in their time why did you agree to 5050, I wouldn’t.

Your trainers might also be less cool

I have, very politely, put this concern to her in writing - I said in the OP; I've communicated this with her. Unfortunately, I clearly can't trust her.

I don't think there was much chance of not getting 50/50 - to the best of my understanding, no one is going to remove your child from your care because you insist on buying them badly-fitting trainers.

I just wish she wouldn't do it.

(I am sure my trainers are 'less cool' - but I do give DD free reign to choose so long as they're decently made; I'm not insisting she wears Amish-style horrors, just the same sorts of things all her friends wear.)

Keep them for your house/contact time. Let DD know whatever she chooses wear from her things (both what she's brought with her and what you've kept at yours) is absolutely fine as long as weather and activity appropriate, and comes with no pressure or judgement from you when staying at your house. She's nearly at the age when they develop very strong opinions about what they like/will wear anyway - whether from a style or comfort POV - so you just need to wait it out and be content at least she is comfortable 50% of the time for now.
If you force the issue with the other parent, you may end up with stuff going missing completely or mysteriously getting damaged. I'd let DD know she is always welcome to take anything back with her she wants to also, however, as (having been a DC shuttling between homes) it's horrible having to leave favourite things by order of one parent.
Basically, provide the well-fitting stuff she needs, selected in partnership with DD, then take the pressure off and let her choose when she wears it. Stay neutral with her interests centred and she'll notice for herself which parent is the weird or obstructive one as she gets older.

I've let DD know that she's entitled to wear whatever she wants (we do have discussions about what counts as weather appropriate, as I'm sure everyone does!).

I've already had issues with mysterious damage from DP, yep. And yes, DD is entirely welcome to take things between houses - this was always the agreement, and in any case it'd be hard not to, given the pattern of her days.

The thing is ... if it were just about feeling narked that I've bought something expensive and it's not getting worn, that would be annoying (it is annoying!), but I'd cope. But this is actually damaging her feet.

It is hurting her feet, yes. I'm not sure how far you'd get arguing it's damaging her feet - waking hours spent out of the house for 50% of the week is a limited amount of time even if the shoes are incredibly badly fitting. I don't completely disagree with you FWIW; I think it's crazy to cause your DC discomfort because of your own pride or need to getvone over on your ex, I just doubt it'd meet any threshold for further action from anyone else, so you have to make the best of the rest of the time whilst also making the better option freely available for 100% of the time. Maybe by dropping the rope, the other parent will make it easier for the DC to pick what's comfiest? Being difficult isn't so much fun when it doesn't get a reaction.

That's a good way to look at it - that's not really a huge amount of time. And YY, I'm sure no one official would be remotely interested! It's a tiny thing in the context of actual bad parenting; it's just something that makes my mind boggle, because I cannot get why she would want DD not to be comfortable.

I will try just not reacting. I think it's a complicated mix of things with my ex - I think she partly does want to get a rise out of me and is waiting for me to give her the chance to say 'oh but I can't afford proper trainers; you'll have to give me some money'. But I think it's also a sort of weird reverse snobbery - she had secondhand clothes growing up (didn't we all, in the 80s?!), so they must be good enough for DD. It's crazy to me, because her feet are not in a good state because of years of wearing badly-fitting shoes, and I would want to avoid that for DD the more if I were her, not less!

If your nine year old had sore feet then she will remember to pack and wear her well fitted runners next time.

Your DD will get better at choosing for herself; you need to check her bag though.

Oh, I don't think she will!

This is the thing - I'm worried she is putting up with being uncomfortable because she doesn't want to rock the boat with my ex. We've had some conversations about this and she is nervous about it.

It is possible there's an element of 'ooh but these trainers are cool so I'll ignore them rubbing' (which children and teens definitely do!), but then, this time, she flagged it up to me so I think she possibly did want me to know, and maybe even wants me to intervene. Not sure.

I know I should have checked her bag; it was an oversight, but it's the end result that bothered me, that I don't think she forgot, I think she heard me remind her and deliberately left them.

She’s 9, she’s old enough to understand that wearing cheap and ill-fitting shoes will give her sore feet. I suspect the more you give a reaction, the more your ex will do.

shes nine of course she understands wearing crappy shoes will make her feet sore. Just leave her to it, just tell her to take them off when shes with you and put on her decent pair. Don’t react to your ex she is looking for a reaction.

I know she understands they make her feet sore?

I never suggested otherwise.

I can understand how frustrating it must be, but your DD is old enough to choose which shoes to wear.

She may just like having lots of new shoes!

She may; and it's possible I'm seeing something that isn't there, but I'm worried that she's not particularly comfortable. I can't help thinking if she were, she wouldn't have told me her shoes were rubbing. When I was a child I'd just have fibbed, wouldn't you?!

At your ‘wits end’ - really?

Are you generally this highly strung?

If so I would seek some professional support to ease your mind otherwise your DD will be absorbing and internalising your implicit anxious personality and it will make her confused and insecure.

Yes, really? 'At my wits' end' just means 'at the end of my knowledge of what to do'. It's not a hugely emotive thing to say - it means 'I've racked my brain for a solution and don't have one'.