AIBU to ask how you knew things were over?

[Sandytoesfrecklednose]

How did you know that your marriage was over? Not because of cheating or abuse but just that you were living separate lives and there was nothing left to fight for?

I’ve been married for nearly 20 years and have two teenagers together. I’m struggling to tell whether I’m just carrying on for them/to avoid the disruption of separation. In the past there’s definitely been ups and downs and times where we’ve felt more like flatmates due to all of the changes that life brings with kids etc. This time feels different, in the past couple I’ve still felt affection or that the relationship was worth the work to salvage but I just don’t feel anything at all.

In your experience is it just this phase of life (mid 40’s) where the distance between you feels wider? He’s not a bad guy, we’re very different and at the moment it feels like we’ve grown in opposite directions. If you’ve experienced this what did you do?

I knew it was over when he did something he knew was upsetting to me (which he has done many times in the past) and I just thought "nope, don't have any more fucks to give". I took three days to consider my position, then sat him down and talked seriously about what our relationship has become, considered whether we can work through it as a couple and we both decided it was time to end it.

@Catza thanks for your reply. I think that might be where I am heading. We spoke briefly about things a few days ago but then we are back to the same position, from my point of view, now.

I knew when my ex went away for work and I didn’t miss him at all, didn’t feel happy when he got home, actively dreaded it. He noticed, he said it doesn’t feel like you missed me. I said , well, did you miss me? And he said no.
its no way to live.

He admitted being in love with another woman.

TBH though, divorce is tough. Splitting the house and finances is hard, online dating is awful. Trying marriage counselling first might be another option.

When I saw the emails between him and ow. He persuaded me to stay and 8 years later, he assaulted me. I found out he’d had many affairs. Foul man.

death by a thousand cuts for me but the end came when I realised I didn’t want to go home to him. We had location sharing on and I’d switched it off to be allowed some space and he messaged asking why. It sounds totally innocuous but that was the moment. The next day I left him. There had been years of separate lives and no sex/affection (on his side) before that though.

When he was so constantly critical of me that I spent most of my time at home in my bedroom alone. He then said we had nothing in common, I was boring and he didn’t love me and hadn’t “for at least a year”. I ended it the next day.