AIBU to feel trapped in my marriage by finances?

[Wren21]

I feel like I am trapped in an unhappy marriage and unable to leave. I have two adult kids who are both students so still dependent on me and my husband. One is at home, the other in student accommodation which we are paying for. My husband controls my finances. He is controlling and such an angry man and I've just had enough. But I cannot afford to move away or leave him. If I was to rent somewhere, it wouldn't be very nice and I don't know how I would begin to afford furniture, bills, council tax or a car. Or how my kids could come and stay with me if I can only afford a one bedroomed flat. And there's not much money anyway as we are also financing student accommodation. So I'm stuck in a toxic marriage with someone I don't even like, let alone love. Has anyone managed to leave and, if so, how on earth did you survive financially?

All my sympathies. This is such a sad reality for so many women. I think about it a lot. Wondering how it can be avoided. For me, it took the death of a parent to be able to wrench myself from the clutches of a financially controlling spouse and create a small corner of peace somewhere of my own.
I sincerely hope you find a way to make it work.

It's a problem a lot of women face as their finances and careers are usually the ones which have suffered the most due to bringing up children.

Your kids won't be students forever. Perhaps put some plans in place in your head now to leave in 3 years. Do you have any family you could stay with for a couple of years whilst you save some money up? Can you move away to live somewhere cheaper? Can you train now for a new career? There's a lot to consider but I think it is possible.

Do you have your own income?
You could survive financially, there is financial support available. Given that your paying for your adult DC I'd guess your accustomed to a more affluent lifestyle and it can be hard going from that to living in poverty. You need to weigh up what's more important, peace and freedom from control and anger or material possessions. Do you think DH would continue to pay for the adult DC if you separate?
Make an appointment with citizens advice, they can help you understand what financial help could be available if you leave.

How does he control your finances-how much are you earning?

I was in debt so he took control so I wouldn't spend too much. I earn about £2300 a month. My husband has a much higher salary than me.

Thanks for the advice.

Can you open a separate account and arrange for your wages to go there? Or will he become physically aggressive? If you can, open a separate account, get a loan or a credit card and use the money to find a place to stay safe, then move your salary to that account and pay off the debt/card while dealing with the divorce/finance.

Your children are adults at this point and can work.

That's pretty much what I earn, and although it's stupid tight, it just about works -mortgage, bills and supporting two teens (and xdp for now). You can definitely do it.

Is that take home pay? If that's the case, you are more than able to leave and rent somewhere. Unless you are in London.. Still able to leave but you won't be renting anywhere nice or big.
You can rent furnished or you can get your furniture on Freecycle and Facebook marketplace. Cheap car if you need one, may not need one if living in an urban area.
I currently rent one bed flat in South west which costs me about £900 including bills. It's tiny but it's 100 times better than it was when I was living with my ex in a three bed semi. For starters, there isn't a moody middle-aged bloke watching football on my sofa and asking what's for dinner.
I appreciate things will be more expensive in South East but should still be feasible. I am lucky that I work remotely so it allowed me a lot of flexibility with my move.