AIBU to fear I’m self-sabotaging a happy marriage and life?

[TheOGBalonz]

Long-time poster, name changed. Please feel free to be as blunt or tough as needed.

Some context before I continue – I’m in my late 30s, currently undergoing assessment for strongly-suspected autism, and have previously been medicated for anxiety. I’m a terrible overthinker and my GP also suspects OCD but I’ve never been formally diagnosed. Also, I grew up with what I now realise was an emotionally distant and verbally abusive mother. I think she tried her best but constant criticism, verbal abuse and lack of safety at home led to a lifetime of low esteem, self-doubt and a need for external validation. My dad died when I was 14 and I’m an only child so my mother’s impact on me has been intense.

I think I am having some kind of mid-life crisis and I don’t know what’s going on but I feel like all my frustrations and fears are leading me to self-sabotage and want to burn down my entire life and run away and that sounds so stupid and self-indulgent.

• My career feels like a disappointment but it’s hard to switch after 15 years in my field (particularly in my country) and some recent changes in our team mean that certain new hires are being favoured over the longer-term loyal staff. It’s hard to see yourself be sidelined when your performance has always been good but you’re not extroverted.
• Additionally, I’ll be 37 this month and I don’t know where the time has gone. I feel like I left high school just a few years ago. The time is going too quickly and I am also trying to decide if to have a child and I’m overthinking again and thinking of everything that can go wrong.
• I have had friends since primary and high school but making new ones is tough and the old ones are quite busy so my social life is floundering as well and I don’t want a lot of connections but feel like I need 3-4 more deep friends.
• I also can’t drive and that brings its own challenges. It makes me feel so behind as all my friends have been driving for over 15 years and have their own vehicles. My brain just goes into overdrive on the road and I’m so afraid I hurt someone.

Now on to the thing that’s bothering me most. I think something is wrong hormonally but I’m avoiding going to the doctor due to my health anxiety which is stupid. But I suddenly feel like leaving my husband randomly right before my period. It’s been happening for the past 2 months and I don’t know what is triggering it as we’ve been together 14 years and are very happy together. He’s genuinely my best friend and makes me feel safe and loved and I am the same to him.

I wish I could underscore how lovely and kind my husband is but it’s hard in one post.
He is brilliant which I find so attractive (very well-read, Engineering degree), has always, always treated me with respect and love and would do anything for me. As an example, I don’t drive and he will literally drive me to any place I want to go, despite not enjoying driving. In all our years together, he has genuinely never once criticized my appearance or body despite me gaining like 50lbs due to PCOS and still struggling to lose it.
He encourages and supports me in anything I want to do, no matter how silly or childish it may seem to anyone else – everything from rescuing stray animals on the side of a busy highway or buying me things to indulge my hobbies and passing fixations, or reassuring me that I can leave my job at anytime if I feel too stressed and he would be happy to support.
He would be an excellent father when the time comes as he has always shared the load of all things – chores, finances, medical situations. After 14 years, he still never forgets a birthday or Christmas and still buys me beautiful thoughtful gifts.
And probably most striking of all, I’ve developed an issue that makes sex difficult – I keep putting off going to the doctor because I am so scared but he’s never once made me feel bad about it despite it being 4 years (I know this is ridiculous and I intend to get medical help soon). I asked him recently if I was told I couldn’t have sex anymore what would he do and he said if a lifetime of no sex meant we were still together, he would be okay with it.
But sometimes I tell myself he is too good and I don’t deserve him and I want to run away. I keep asking myself – is this life? Where has the time gone? I love the stability and deep joy our long-term relationship brings but I keep asking myself is there supposed to be more fun and excitement? Which is stupid as I were somehow single tomorrow, I would dread entering the world of dating again. It sounds exhausting, especially as I enter mid-life.
I genuinely think I am unhappy with life in general but for some reason, it feels easiest to take an axe to my relationship as if that’s the solution and I KNOW I won’t find another guy like him.

Please someone, anyone – can you give some insight into what might be happening? I don’t know if this my OCD/anxiety in overdrive, or my hormones spiraling out of control, or a midlife crisis or ND burnout. I just know I find myself crying a lot, worrying about destroying everything and almost wishing I could not be around anymore.

This sounds tough. No real advice beyond maybe see a doctor and check your hormone levels as a first option? And then maybe think of seeking therapy and possibly anti-anxiety meds.

Don't do anything to your marriage before you seek medical help and are in a calmer place.

I can feel the same about my DH before my period, can't stand the sight of him sometimes. It's hormones and it passes.
It sounds like you need some excitement in your life, more stimulation. Could you have a go at driving lessons again? Give yourself something to be working towards? Book a fun holiday with DH? Join a social group? Maybe take a big scary step and apply for a new job? Your DH sounds great but our marriages alone can't fulfil us. Go out and find something for you to avoid sabotaging your marriage.

“Entering mid life”?! You’re 36!

Your relationship sounds very comfortable and perhaps it’s making life too comfortable for you. You sound bored. Sometimes never being challenged also causes a loss of confidence. And whilst it’s sweet that your husband says he’d stay with you even without sex, perhaps in some ways that’s not what you want to hear, and you want more sexual passion in your life. Ending your relationship would certainly give you a new life (though not necessarily a better one). In some ways trying to forge that new life within an existing relationship is the harder thing to do than just blowing up what you already have. It’s up to you to try or not.

re. Children, if the only reason you’re not having them is because you’re scared (rather than because you don’t really like the idea, you don’t think you’d be a good mother, etc), then that’s sad. Life goes by very fast, as you’ve realised. There’s no special reward for never putting a foot wrong. It’s up to you to go after the things you want.

It could be your hormones op. I suffer from anxiety, a bit if I’ve abd am really over-emotional. I’m being referred to a hormone clinic .
Also, Sertraline can be good for treating anxiety x

@JLou08 - I think you're right. Life feels very stuck in a rut right now and it's easy to target my marriage as it's the biggest part of my life, when I feel unfulfilled.

@Crossornot - Thanks for posting. Re: children, I feel like I read on here all the time that unless it's an enthusiastic 'Yes' then you shouldn't have any, and because I never felt overwhelmingly sure, I sometimes wonder if I should take the risk. But I do think DH and I would be very good parents and have a lot to offer a little one. And yes, ending my relationship would give me a new life but I'm almost sure it won't be better, just initially more exciting and then the same issues will repeat.

@Lizzbear - I think you're right. My PCOS means my hormones are imbalanced and I'm sure the hormonal changes that comes with entering late 30's isn't helping.

Autism and premenstrual dysphoric disorder PMDD are highly linked. Are you having any treatment for your PMDD / anxiety?

Thank you for this @piccalili. I just did some quick reading and I did not realise the strong link between PMDD and autism before. It really does makes a lot of sense. I'm going to research this some more and maybe ask my doctor if birth control may help?

Yes I take a low dose of sertraline it’s helped me hugely - it’s usually the first course of treatment. Some people also find the pill helpful. Your GP should be able to discuss options with you
sending hugs as i know how hard it can be
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd/treatment-for-pmdd/

@piccalili - interesting. I just saw your comment about the autism pmdd link. I feel like that makes so much sense as my best friend suffers from terrible pmdd and is also, I suspect, neurodiverse. Her personality and mood changes so much in the days before her period.

Hormones really do a number on us women 😔

I knew just from the title, before I even read your post, that you’d have grown up with a mother with narcissism. And your description of her confirmed it.
You sound similar to me OP, my nervous system grew up in a chronic fight or flight, high stress environment due to my mother.
Therefore my nervous system doesn’t trust this new “relaxed” phase of my life and drives me to self sabotage so that it goes back into high alert/excited.
Don’t do it to yourself! Sounds like you are getting help or planning to, so definitely mention this to your any mental health practitioner that you’re seeing.
Learning about nervous system regulation has helped me immensely and stopped me burning my lovely life to the ground.

Oh my god - yes, you understand what I'm saying. Growing up, I realised that any relationship or crush or love interest I had, the butterflies and excitement came from the newness and the uncertainty about their feelings. Once I felt someone's affection was a sure thing, they became less exciting. It's almost like I conflated anxiety and excitement.

And yes, it seems this is learned behaviour where my whole life I've been taught that love is an unstable, anxious feeling so when I finally have something stable and steady, I start to get uncomfortable 😣

Thank you so much for your post. I really do feel seen 🙏

Yes this is it exactly! Being able to see that is half the battle won. You’ve got this!

I can relate to how you’re feeling about the relationship as have been experiencing PMDD since puberty - some months are terrible. The pill might be an option but I started an SSRI not that long ago which seems to be helping. I’m also autistic and ADHD and ND are found to be more prone to PMS/PMDD. I hope you’ll be able to get the help you need.

https://www.additudemag.com/pmdd-autism-adhd/?srsltid=AfmBOopDEKEXukKEGNtq60RuG5goPhMTz-Sp2yH9vhoLvZIqCAWWQ9xh

Like everyone has said there’s a strong link between Autism/ADHD and PMDD. I swear I used to be on Rightmove every single month the week before my period. Convinced I wanted to divorce my poor DH.

My doctor did suggest an antidepressant just for that week but I can’t remember why I didn’t take it. I’m better now im
through the menopause and on HRT. Was also fine on the pill. So it’s definitely hormones exacerbating things!

Also completely agree about nervous system regulation.