To say something to DP?

[donnasct]

We’ve got DS12 (not my DP’s) and DSS17 all week. DP is at work so thought I’d take them out to an activity this morning. Both wanted to go. The activity involved puzzles which my DS wasn’t great at. DSS17 was saying things like ‘what are you actually doing, you melt’ and ‘how did you get that wrong’. At the time I reminded DSS17 that DS is only 12 so might not be as good as him. He generally spoke to him like that for the whole activity. The two boys usually get on pretty well, but my DS said to me afterwards that he felt a bit sad about it.

AIBU to mention this to my DP? I don’t want to ‘tattle tale’ as this may be a one off but it wasn’t nice to hear.

I’d have told him off at the time! What a nasty person your stepson sounds.

how is he usually with him.
Could it be just teenage banter.

This is the thing - I think it was teenage banter rather than being horrible but my son is only 12 and the one sided ‘banter’ was pretty non stop!

He's nearly an adult.

Just have a word with him yourself but being kinder to children.

And as an aside, perhaps encourage your 12 year old to stick up for himself a little bit more.

It sounds exactly like teenage boys would be with each other. Tell the eldest to be a bit more tolerant and realise his stepbrother is quite a bit younger than him

I would have raised it myself at the time, in the moment.

I don’t understand why you would hesitate to raise it with your DP? You live together, you take both boys out so are clearly “blended” - of course your DP needs to be aware of it (and perhaps have a chat with his son).

Is there any reason why you wouldn’t tell him?

DSS17 needs to be told to be kinder and more appreciative of age difference.

DS12 may need support on becoming more assertive.

Both of you as parents need to be on board with these 2 aims for the sake of both the boys.

Then i would tread carefully. If your DSS heart is in the right place dont make a big deal of it. It will be divisive. Your own son is at a transitional age, in a few years they will understand each other better.

I think this is the way men of all ages talk to each other and it often shows affection, but he should still have stopped if DS wasn't getting it.

I'd speak to DSs rather than DH though.

Speak to DSS just say “I think DS is a bit upset you kept calling him a melt. I told him it was banter but maybe you need to tell him that”

Yes, I think that's a much better way to deal with it.

Why didn't you firmly intervene?
I wouldn't tolerate that from one of my children to another, not to mind a child not a sibling.

Yes you can mention it and that you won't include him again.

It should be pointed out to him that your son was sad after his behaviour and it was completely unacceptable.
Bullying a child years younger than him.
Banter my arse.

Stand up for your child, its hard enough having a blended situation foisted on you without being bullied.

Are you afraid of your partner that you hesitate?

The ships sailed you should of challenged it at the time
just tell SS you get banter but he went to far and upset DS
tbh sounds like me and my sister

Yes OP, you should have challenged DSS at the time. If it was a one off comment, I'd let it go. But it went on all day which is totally unacceptable, especially as your son clearly wasn't joining in with the "banter" (god I hate that word) and is so much younger. I think the ship has sailed now unfortunately. But nip it in the bud in future. Your DSS needs to understand the age difference here.

Exactly, sounds like he is trying to talk to his step brother like he would his mates. He just needs a reminder that not everyone likes that. No need for drama, or for people on here to call him a nasty person....

I did make comments such as DSS it’s a hard room and DS is younger but it did continue.

Every single sentence of this is a massive over reaction that won't help anyone

Tell your 12 year old to call the 17 years old a melt next time he gets something wrong or does something stupid. Tbh my brother and I would've said things like that to each other as teens, very much joking, melt is pretty gentle

This is why I’m glad that my children do not have step siblings, children of this age banter in this way, my sons call each other’begs’ 300000000000 times a day and I don’t think anything of it, they are 13& 14ys old and if a child in secondary school gets upset at being called a ‘melt’, you are on a long road and perhaps he needs to toughen up and just call his brother a melt too!

if both children were yours what would you do? Who would you report this to, they are effectively step siblings and to develop a close bond, each child should feel free with one another and not feel as though they have to tip toe around one another

those of us with siblings I’m sure we’re called worse than a melt from time to time, I would have just said pack it in to the older one, or called them both melts in jest or said something like ‘I’m tired of hearing the word melt, you melt’ to the older one and got on with my day!

Oh my god, all this “you should challenge at the time” 🙄 DSS was actually treating DS as his sibling. That’s a good thing!! Tell him to leave off, by all means, but this sounds like a pretty healthy relationship.

DS wouldn’t have been upset if he’d have just been called a melt. What did upset him was that he was called a melt or an idiot every time he attempted to do a puzzle and got it wrong. I’m not sure I’d be feeling great about myself either after a few hours of that!

As others have said, it's fairly standard teenage boy friendship stuff as I understand it (I don't have one of my own but I have taught them for years).

If you think he took it too far, maybe have a quiet word after - is your relationship with DSS generally good?

Did DS mention to you that it upset him, or did you ask him?

You know your partner - how is he likely to react if you mention it to him? If he is a measured sort of guy, you could make him aware but not necessarily ask him to intervene at this point, more as something for you to both keep an eye on in case it starts to escalate.

I was also wondering how much DSS wanted to be there in the first place. While some 17 year olds are still quite family oriented, quite a few would rather be put with mates over the holiday than with their step mom and younger step brother - maybe he was a bit jarred about being there, and ds sadly just caught the rough end of the wedge?

But comments like that had no impact. So.....why didn't you get tougher? Why are you frightened of your SS?