AIBU to stay out of my niece's drinking worries?

[alco]

I come from a family of 12 siblings and as such have many nieces/ nephews and cannot be close with everyone.

My niece who is 21yrs drinks too much -IMO. At the moment I have a civil relationship with her father but that has not been the case for most of my life. He is 12 years old than me and while I idolised him as a child. We stopped getting on in adulthood.

I have had alcohol issues, I have got help and have been sober (bar a few tiny blips) for 7 years now.

My brother has serious alcohol issues but 'he is in control'. If being drunk every night and passing out at family occasions is what he thinks control is I don't know what he would think out of control is. When I started getting sober he used to tell me how I could control myself better that I didn't need to fully quit.

My niece, drinks WAY too much. Since she was 17ish and allowed to have a few drinks at family events I have always seen her having too many. She has cousins a similar age who don't drink nearly as much.

I see far too much of the old drinking me in her and it worries me. I do not want for her to end up like I did. I went through a hugely traumatic period and relied on the only thing I knew -alcohol.

Her father would be livid if he knew I spoke to her. So would her mother who does not like me one bit - she doesn't like most of our family.

AIBU to stay out of it even though I can see so many signs in her?

YABU - do something
YANBU - Leave it

Unfortunately, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Is there another family member who could speak to her, which wouldn’t cause the sort of fall-out you’ll get from your DB? If you’re one of twelve there must be other Aunts, Uncles or cousins who could have a word - and if you have noticed, surely one of them must have done too? I think in the circumstances, you need to speak to someone else in the family and see if they would be prepared to have a word.

If you are in contact with her it would be reasonable to have a conversation with her about how she uses alcohol and gently indicate your concern but I would only do this once and then walk away from it. I suspect your niece will brush you off but it may lodge somewhere in her brain and be helpful at some point in the future.

As Im sure you know you can only help people who want to be helped. Im speaking as someone who's father had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and who's sibling was an alcoholic.

@alco she’s not going to listen anyway. She’s young, she’ll do as she pleases and will get a grip on it when she’s ready to and certainly not when told too. Just leave it.

I am an alcoholic,sober now 23 years,no relapses.It is pointless trying to stop anyone drinking,a waste of time and energy.When I was newly sober I was full of ideas about who I would help,it didn’t work.

Concentrate on yourself and let your niece find her own way.You could have a word with her,but have no expectations of her taking notice.

Glad you stopped drinking,my life has been a joy without alcohol in it.

In my experience it’s not the substance that is the issue - that’s only the symptom and consequence. The issue is the pain that’s being numbed - it’s the ‘why?’ she is drinking to excess - what does this obliteration give her that points to the real issue that needs to be fixed? Have you had a look at Adult Children of Alcoholics - there are some great resources. She may be drinking because of the horror of having an alcoholic parent throughout her childhood. I would look inwards to yourself and consider any triggers of codependency which is giving you an impulse to act. That might be an area of growth for you. Huge congratulations on all the hard work addressing your own challenges. I think it’s dangerous and unhelpful to project your experience on to her.

@LadyWiddiothethird to be honestly I have never tried to help any one else with their drinking. Most of my family drink far too much. I think just seeing her so young heading so firmly in a bad direction worries me.

@sesquipedalian one sister is very close with him but honestly she has been frozen out by him before over things that pissed him off. I actually doubt anyone would say anything to him.

@Stillreadingalot no I wouldn't be close with her at all. I sent her birthday money etc until she was 21 but never got a thanks for it. I do see her at family occasions. If I can try slip something into conversation some time I will try. Yes it might be a seed.

When you were her age would you have listened to the advice you want to give her?

Absolutely not. And I know she won't.

But I would hope it might be something that might start work into her brain.

If you have virtually no relationship with this young woman, it's absolutely pointless even dropping in a comment. You're just going to cause even more trouble within what already seem to be fragile family relationships.

You should know only too well, that the wish to change comes from within. It's certainly not going to come from an aunt that both her parents dislike, and she barely tolerates. She would have every reason to just be infuriated at you sticking your nose in, so it would be counter productive in multiple ways

Youngsters dont tend to listen to the "Oldies" ie: anyone between 25 and 80.
They know best, until they don't.
Leave her to it, is my opinion. She will find out for herself one day

I feel your pain @alco . I have an alcoholic niece. I just try and stay out of it. You are completely unable to help anyone with a drink problem.

One thing I have always done with my nieces and nephews, and my own kids, is be very clear and open that we have alcohol addiction on both sides of the family, going back for generations. At least that gives them a degree of clarity and information (not to mention honesty) that they otherwise wouldn't have had.

@mbosnz OK that is a good approach. My own DC are still under 4yrs old so haven't had that conversation yet.

These conversations are worth having sooner than you think - although 4 is most probably a little early! But the first time that a kid mentions that Uncle was really not with it last night, was he, or Gran was slurring her words and repeating himself - definitely worth bringing up in age appropriate terms. Or if it's about you - it's worth mentioning that sometimes parents aren't necessarily a good example, more a useful warning.