To think people who repeatedly disappear and reappear in friendships aren’t treating their friends very well?

[RedHiker]

Some people seem to go completely quiet for long stretches, ignore messages and then reappear as if nothing has happened expecting things to carry on as normal. I find that quite hurtful and disrespectful, especially when it happens more than once.

AIBU to think that kind of behaviour isn’t fair or am I being too harsh?

Quiet as in completely ignoring a direct message you’ve sent to them or not being so active in a group chat, for example?

The former.

There can be many reasons for this.... and if I had a friend that was doing this then I would be wondering if they were ok.

I think some friends come in and out of your life, and I don’t over analyse it.

On Saturday I went out with a friend who I’ve not had any contact with for 18 months. She dropped me a message out of the blue, suggested we meet. I accepted, and we had a great evening, lots of laughs, we just picked up where we left off.

I recently reconnected with a friend who I hadn’t seen or heard from for a good fifteen years.

I think some people have totally unrealistic expectations of friendships - not everything has to be some intense, close, phone-at-3am relationship.

Not an issue for me, personally. I do this and most of my friends do it too. Life is busy and I have no problem picking up where we left off.

I would try to ascertain whether or not it’s a personality trait or they are simply a user. If they tend to go quiet or retreat due to significant life stresses, I’d understand (but this it’s rude to ignore entirely, on a regular basis!)

Okay but I’m not talking any of the above examples. I’m talking about people who repeatedly ghost you and then pop up out of the blue, wanting to be part of your life.

(I didn’t mean @SemiSober’s comment, we posted at the same time x)

It's a modern thing to feel entitled to contact and responses on your schedule.
Historically you'd see people at e.g. church, the market and then there'd be no contact until the next time you saw them.

How do you know you're not asking for too much contact?

But also - people have stuff going on. They might have a reason for being quiet.

In that case, I’d leave them on read and go about my day

I’ve had a good friend for 30 years now. We go through periods of our lives where we are in contact daily and then all of a sudden we won’t speak for a year, possibly longer. Nothing happens, no fall outs. It’s just what we do. So we haven’t spoke for over a week now and I randomly thought today yeah, I need a year or two off 😂🤦‍♀️.

What other posters are describing is fairly normal, but what OP is describing is not.

I have friends I see maybe once or twice a year and only message once or twice between meet-ups. But if they message me I respond within a day or two and the same if I message them. Neither of us blatantly ignores the other.

OP, if I felt I was being ignored then I would just stop messaging and leave it up to them to contact me and do the running if they wanted to meet up in future.

But if this happens a lot from different people, then if does beg the question - are you over-friendly and messaging too much and inadvertently pushing people away as a result.

It’s not something I experience with lots of people, just this situation in particular.

I dont think its that weird tbh. For most of my friends our communication patterns are really sporadic, we might message a lot for a day or two, but then nothing for say 2 or 3 weeks, then one of us will pick up the conversation again. If its about plans or something that needs a response then we would both reply quickly but if its just general back and forth / what have you been up to then it will generally peter out and pick back up when one of us has something to say. Life is busy, people are busy and noone owes anyone else an immediate response. I really hate that about modern life actually, the expectation to be constantly available.

How long do they ghost you for? Are we talking days or months?

The latter

Tbh, I am this person. I can be quite up and down with my mental health, and can withdraw when I'm going through harder times. I pop back up again when I'm feeling better and a more sociable. Winter affects it, I withdraw a lot and reappear when the weather gets better. Could it be something like that?

Possibly, I do understand that people go through difficult periods. What I struggle with is the complete lack of communication, ignoring messages and not letting me know about plans they’re not turning up to. That feels quite different to just needing space.

Did you have a disagreement of any sort before they disappeared on you?

Not at all. It’s always quite abrupt, which is why I find it confusing.

So why do you re-engage?

In that case, back right off, don't message them again and leave the ball in their court.

I’ve got a long term friend that does that. He suspects that he has ADHD and autism and I think sometimes he just gets in his own head and literally can’t deal with contact with anyone.

I knew this feeling.
Or, the people I see as friends are either preoccupied with something else (one being on the phone to her boyfriend the entire afternoon last week when we met for coffee rude much 🫢.
I find if they are stepping back from you then do the same. Don't chase them, I know people's lives are busy but equally don't be used like a doormat.
I miss decent friendships, I don't seem to be able to build those ones.