Can a marriage survive separation, or is it better to walk away for good?

[reddaisyandcake]

Do you think couples can successfully reconcile after separation? There was no infidelity, but things became unmanageable after 10 years of marriage. We separated, I wanted divorce, he did not... but now I'm questioning if after 10 years together it's worth trying to resolve things between us and try again. Can marriages genuinely survive separation and grow from it, or am I unreasonable to think people can change? We have been apart for a year. I think he realised what he lost. We have a child together.

Better to regret what you do than what you don't? Try counselling and see how you both feel, for sure.

Mine did. We were apart for about a year, then spent a year dating and coming back together before he moved home. We both had individual counselling to address our own issues. I won't say it was easy, but it has been so much better since and it was a number of years ago now. There was someone else involved on his side while we were separated, which oddly enough helped him learn to appreciate me a whole lot more!

Are the reasons why you separated now resolved? How long have you been living apart? He either of you dated other people whilst separated? Have you discussed this even tentatively with your husband? Does her want to try again?

Do not fall into the sunk costs fallacy. Just because you've spent ten years in a relationship doesn't mean that your should continue if the relationship doesn't make you happy.

If everything that contributed to the split has been eliminated and resolved with clear undeniable evidence, it might be worth a shot.

However, if it's based on unproven promises and wishful thinking, it's probably only prolonging the situation.

There's also a child who will have been impacted by the first split and has to be considered of you aren't very confident there wouldn't be another one.

I only know one succesful case and grief played a huge role in it. They never would have split otherwise but how they dealt with their grief initially was a massive contributor.

It really depends on the circumstances and if you’re both willing to do the work. My main advice would be if you go for it you need to restart the relationship whilst living separately and make no permanent decisions until you have trialled that and trialled living together again.

I've nc for this but yes it can work or has done in my marriage.
I had a serious alcohol problem. I moved out. He had an anger problem exasperated by my drinking. I got myself together,had a job, a flat while being a weekend parent, no overnights to start with. But after 2 years we went from hating each other to talking. Then we both moved into a new larger house post covid. Things have been good. We sorted out our shit with therapy and now 5 years later are in a good place. It could have gone either way but we both still loved each other we just couldn't live together.
If your prepared to work on it I think it can work.

There's no reason why not, but the change needs to actually happen.

In my experience the changes I needed from DH were performative to get back through the door. Obviously I didn't realise this when we reunited. Two years later and I wish I'd stuck to my guns.

People can change, but only if they are accountable and agree whatever the problem is, will be addressed.

Take it slow. Create a plan of what needs to change and how it will be resolved.

I feel so stupid. Not even a week in, he didn't turn up to see our child as planned as he went out drinking the night before and the 'date' he suggested for us hasn't been mentioned again, but he is going to his hometown overnight this weekend instead. Im annoyed at myself for even contemplating it.

☹️ so sorry.
You know why you separated. It hasn’t changed.

100% you are right. Im pleased for those who did see change, one common theme was a commitment to change and therapy. Considering its not even been a week at least ive not invested too much time. Annoyed and hurt I even considered it though and do feel stupid.