To go from LC to NC with ILs?

[Tailspin8]

After years of shitty comments, and now pretty much acting as though I don’t exist, I’m wondering whether I should go NC with ILs.
No massive recent blow-up, I’m just sick of it at this point and now my DC are starting to notice ILs treatment of me, I think I should just stop interacting with them.

DH, twin 10yo DDs and I live a couple of hours away from ILs and only see them once or twice a year, with dutiful calls on a fortnightly basis. None of us have a close relationship with them.

I’ve massively pulled back already but I’m thinking that I’ll not even attend visits anymore so as not to subject myself to their rudeness, put-downs and disrespect anymore. I should’ve done it years ago to be fair.

My concerns in going NC are whereas now they probably don’t even notice that I’ve gone LC, that going NC is very final, and I think ahead to big life events like weddings, funerals etc in the future, and wonder if I’m making a bigger drama than necessary ie. whether I should just avoid them where I can and keep my contact and visits with them to an absolute minimum.
I also wonder how I should communicate this to DC as they’ll definitely have questions if I stop visiting when they go with DH

There is a lot more detail I can give; I’m not trying to dripfeed, I just don’t want to make the post too long or rambling. So if there are questions, ask away!

YABU: Maintain the LC relationship
YANBU: Cut them off and don’t look back

Just be unavailable to visit regretfully.
Get planning other things that you need to do.
If its only once twice a year, let your husband bring them once.
Also drop the calls to once a month.
Don't admit anying is wrong, who cares what they think, just be busy.
Leave the relationship 100% to your husband to manage, offer absolutely nothing at all.
No opinions, no interest, just nothing.

If you see them at a wedding etc., in a few years you can be polite and then wander off.
Its easier than you think.

I have friends who send their husbands on visits to family when they have stuff on.
Good use of time, win win.

Does your husband not call them out on their behaviour to you?

No one can say if you should stop attending the annual visit, it's up to you.
100% what @Chetchy said. The weekly calls are for your husband, don't get involved in any of it.

I don’t think you need to make a big drama of this. We are NC with several family members because they are a safeguarding risk to my dc. We don’t see them with or without dc. We don’t go to family events where they will be present. My dc don’t know the exact details of what occurred, but they know they aren’t safe people and they know they have been to prison and we don’t spend time around them.

But you only see your in laws once or twice a year. If you aren’t going to end their contact with your dc, then your Dh takes them. Dh take our dc away for 80% of visits with his family. We are not NC or LC. I simply don’t need to chaperone Dh’s time with his family. 🤷🏻‍♀️ No one thinks it’s remotely weird. It’s lovely for them to have quality time independent of me.

I think if you want to make a statement and ‘go no contact’ then do that. I am NC with my family and they know they will never see me or my children again. But it’s totally fine to just not spend time with people anymore. It’s not something you have to make a fuss about. Your dh will simply get even more quality time with his family and more time facilitating the relationship, doing the calls at a frequency that suits him, which isn’t a bad thing for him. You can go to weddings and just wave at them from across the room and then get on with your day. They sound like an annoyance, not a danger, so will be easy to swerve.

Can’t really give a big update just now, but just to add a few more details in case relevant:

DC have started to ask me why ILs act like I don’t exist, so I kind of want my girls to know I don’t accept this.
But I don’t want to damage their relationship with that side of the family. However DDs have been commenting for about a year how they feel PIL and SIL (their GPs and aunt) aren’t interested in them and are a little dismissive of them. On one hand I want to validate DCs feelings, on the other I don’t want them to be made to feel like that - so do I say it’s fine for them not to see ILs either? They currently don’t know my feelings about ILs but will they feed off what I’ve said if I tell them why I choose not to visit anymore? How can I say I’m not visiting anymore as they’re not interested in seeing me and I don’t like the way I feel when I’m around them, but then say “tough you’re going!” if they say the same?
It’s tricky.
I get this is confusing (believe me, it is for me too) and I’m an overthinker, I just don’t know what to do or what to encourage for the best.

DH has also spoken about US not seeing them anymore, but I don’t want him to resent me or regret it in the future if he cuts them off. I also don’t want ILs to villainise me and make me the reason DC and/or DH doesn’t have contact with them. And they would do that. They would never be able to accept that they and their actions are the reason.

Things would be so much simpler (maybe even resolved) if he’d done this over the years. He’s only just really accepted though that that’s the right thing to do rather than ignoring it to keep the peace. He’ll do it from now on, but by him not doing so far is how we’ve got to where we are now unfortunately. I’m aware that’s a DH problem and that’s a whole separate issue which is probably for another thread! Although he does seem to be on the right track now, but in many ways the damage of his silence is already done.

Ah now I was going to say that I would just phase out my contact with them quietly and without a fuss. No point feeding into any drama. But this would be different for me the minute they made my children feel in any way "lesser". The fact your girls have noticed poor treatment towards them would make me be clear to DH that neither I nor they will be seeing them again. What he chooses to do is up to him but I wouldn't be impressed by any man who still tolerated a family that treated his wife and children badly.

can you add more detail/ give some examples of their behaviours and how do you react to it.

I think MN is hopelessly overpopulated with people that loathe everyone, and who like to encourage that hate as a standard for everyone.

I am not disputing what you have said, but it does comes across as a tit for tat gradual breakdown of the relationship where everyone is 100% sure of the other people’s faults and failings whilst being blind to their own.
If they said “you’re obviously so unhappy coming here that we thought not disturbing you or giving you space was the best and what you wanted.” How would you reply?
It doesn’t come across that any of you are good at communicating, does that sound fair or is it different.

Bin them off. Your time is too precious to spend with people you don't like (and who obviously don't like you either).

Don't give it a second thought. Let your DH visit, with or without the kids, and I wouldn't even bother mentioning that you're not going. Don't make a thing out of it. Just cut them off. Same with phone calls. Let your DH answer. Don't even bother picking up the phone to them.

I have absolutely no time for people who don't bring joy to my life. It's very liberating.

There are hundreds of examples I can remember and probably hundreds more that I’ve now forgotten about. They initially never welcomed me when I first met them and I was left out for a long time of anything based; I’ve never felt part of their family.
Every nightmare MIL reel you could see on social media is like my MIL, you know the Isn’t Mummy feeding you? Isn’t Mummy mean? All that bull shit. She accused me of child abuse when I asked her not to feed DDs chocolate buttons when they were 5 months old. Also child abuse for dressing them in blue because people think they’re boys. Asked if I smoked during the pregnancy (I’ve never smoked) because the DD were underweight at birth (slightly premature twins). I was lazy and too posh to push because I needed a planned section.
Said they loved DHs ex and brought photos over that they’d framed of DH with ex when we moved to our new home. They were together 6 months and we’d been together 4 years by that point.
Didn’t acknowledge my dad dying. Didn’t acknowledge me having cancer and asked my DH if he’d move back near them with the DC if I died of said cancer. Didn’t speak to me on my wedding day for who knows what reason. Said she wouldn’t come to the wedding unless we invited all these random people on their side who I’d never met. Wore white to the wedding (SIL did as well).
I could go on.
I Should’ve stood up for myself from the get go but I didn’t. It should never have gone this far. As I’ve said in a PP I know there’s a DH problem here… well there has been, but I’m hoping that he can right a few wrongs and pull them up in anything in future so it stops, or at least so they know it’s not OK and if won’t be tolerated anymore. I believe if this had been done from the start we would never be where we are now. And unfortunately ILs have so far seen not being pulled up on things as a green light to continue.

Unfortunately due to the way ILs are and past experience/arguments, I know they’d never accept responsibility and apologise as they could never accept they are wrong and how their actions and words have made me feel. It would always be a case of I’m too sensitive or whatever to villainise me to change their behaviour accept responsibility. The best I could probably expect is that they stop making hurtful comments because I’m too sensitive, rather than because it’s wrong.

@Tailspin8 The examples you have cited are absolutely shocking. There is no way I would ever suffer being in the presence of such horrendous people again. If your DDs have also noticed how you're treated and aren't enjoying being around them either, why are you allowing them to be exposed to the nonsense? If your in-laws blame and badmouth you for keeping your children from them, who cares? They already talk shit about you to your face and probably behind your back as it is, so what's the difference? As for your husband, allowing his family to treat his wife with such utter contempt...he is lucky you didn't bin him off years ago. Bottom line: you don't have to put up with this and you have the right to teach your DDs for their own futures that "family" isn't a free pass to abuse or to be abused.

Oh My God… They wore white to your wedding? That’s mad.

In general terms I would agree that speaking up a little helps a lot , and I definitely would have taken the piss to their faces at the photo of the ex- . But the are obviously batshit, so don’t think another moment about it.

Boundaries OP. Someone who repeatedly disrespects you and/or tries to damage your relationships doesn't get to be around you or your children.
It doesn't matter if they accept responsibility or not. It doesn't matter if they villainise you.
What matters is your peace of mind and your daughters not being exposed to people who treat their mother like crap.
Go full no contact.

Awful behaviour on their part.

I always think going totally NC is very extreme (but I do appreciate that it is necessary in some cases), so I would stick to LC, but I definitely would not visit or get involved with them at all.

DH sounds like he understands your position, especially as your children are questioning it too.

I would leave DH to do what he feels comfortable with, and also make it clear that if he does visit it is totally up to the DC whether they go too. I think it's important that they form their own opinions rather than be swayed by one parent or the other, but they should not be made to visit if they don't want to.

Sticking very low contact rather than no contact means you can participate in family events in future if you choose to.

This is sound advice.

It involves no drama, nothing to explain to the DC beyond " we don't get on" or " they are rude to me".

Bloody hell, I’ve just found my Mumsnet twin!
Right down to the damage of his and your silence….. which is the perfect way to describe it.
what I would say is that now he sees it and understands it, then now is the time to act. If you don’t thinks will get worse.
the catalyst for me was my DD noticing and commenting. I realised I’d spent years excusing their poor behaviour to my DD. As they are growing up they are more aware of the dynamic and impossible to hide the nastiness even if I still wanted to.

Absolutely go no contact with these horrible nut jobs!

Your husband should have stuck up for you right at the beginning.

Leave all the visits and phone calls to your husband from now on. Don’t get involved with any of it.

Your daughters are old enough to make their own decisions wether they want to visit/speak to them.

Both DH and I have passed comments in the past, we haven’t just let it slide, but just in a FFS/defending our decisions kind of way rather than properly putting them straight. It has contributed to me feeling massively disrespected, and that’s not something I’m willing to stand for anymore.

With regards to DC, I obviously don’t want them to ever feel the way I have felt, so I’ll have to keep an eye on that and will definitely listen to them if they say the ILs are making them feel that way.
I’m just wary of DDs not having a relationship with a large part of their family.
But I’ll of course do that if necessary rather than have them subjected to negative comments and behaviours. I won’t be there to witness and correct it I go NC though. I guess they’re at an age now though where they can voice this to me/their dad. He has been going through a process (with a therapist) where I think/hope he now will stand up to his family rather than stay silent.

Jesus OP. Your post at first was vague and thus difficult to remark on. With updates, no you're not remotely unreasonable to fuck them all off. Absolute head banging nutters. I'd be both cutting them off and first telling them to shove it front, side and arse ways. What is wrong with people? Never see them again and enjoy your freedom. They're deranged.

I would go NC but not make a big announcement. If your children question it I’d just say explain they have always made you feel unwelcome so you’d rather spend your time doing something enjoyable instead.

Sorry, there is so much I could say, but it would’ve been a looooooong post if I’d have covered everything.
Thanks to all who have commented with advice.

OP, your children are being damaged emotionally by this toxic environment which is confusing them.

You denying it is further confusion.
Your husband has allowed this to happen.

What message do you want to send your children?

Denying what they can clearly see?
Have them doubt what they can see?
Think that it is acceptable to be treated badly and that you just accept it.

Screw his family.
I would be so very concerned about what your children have been exposed to already and the damage that is done.

I think you are both failing your children.

You can tell your children in simple language that adult relationships are complicated but that they are correct and his family are not kind or respectful of you and that you cannot change other people, only yourself. For that reason you prefer to see very little of them.
That life is too short and that you prefer to spend time with nice people who like you.

Plain, simple, unapologetic language they can understand.
Be casual and nonchalant about it.
It doesn't bother you, but you would prefer not to be around it.

Put your children first.
Make this a teaching moment.