AIBU to wonder if middle-aged men increasingly retreat into hobbies, work and so on away from family life?

[brumfun]

Do a lot of men in middle age disappear off into hobbies or work? Currently my DH isn't like this, he does play a sport at the weekend on a Saturday morning but is home by lunchtime and to be fair he's always done a sport at least one day a week and I think it's important for his mental health and to get out and socialise with some friends.

However I increasingly encounter with my friends and family women who are my age and older complaints that their husband is always off cycling, playing golf, at the gym, fishing and so on and if not that they they have become a workaholic or they start spending a lot of time at the pub and if they are home they are on their phones or watching sport on tv. My sister in law complains that her husband is obsessed with golf and is increasingly playing on both days at the weekend. My other sister in law has a similar complaint her husband is always fishing and when he isn't fishing he's Sat in the bedroom watching sports while the rest of the family are downstairs. My own parents developed this dynamic as they got a bit older where my Dad would watch his TV is a different room my my Mum watched her shows in the living room, each saying that what the other wanted to watch was rubbish. My DH's retired parents seem to be asleep and awake at different times with DFIL getting up and watching TV through the night while his wife sleeps and if he's awake in the evening he goes to the pub leaving her sitting alone. My close friend's husband (early 50's) is obsessed with the gym to the point that when they took their young children on a holiday last year he grumped the whole time that the holiday was messing up his gym schedule and that he was being set back. He won't ever join my friend to watch a film or a boxset as he prefers to use his down time on his other hobby which is finance / trading stuff and podcasts and videos about that kind of thing so he sits on his laptop in the living room with headphones on while his my friend and their kids watch a film together. I feel like I could go on and on with examples.

I think its natural and even healthy to each do your own thing and have a bit of space but it often seems like the women are trying to make a family or couple inclusive time and the husband then acts like its a massive inconvenience to him to give up a bit of his time to join in on that. How common is this? How does it happen? How can it be prevented?

@JustGiveMeReason I wouldn't find it a problem if she didn't but she does as she feels that he just wants to do the gym and his own thing, I mean its kind of not on to be sitting in the room at family movie night with headphones on watching youtube ignoring your wife and kids. Same with my parents if they did that were happy with it fine but in many ways they aren't and my Mum especially says she feels disconnected.

I think if you are fine with whatever situation you have with your DP then thats fine but that isn't what I'm talking about.

Interesting topic! I actually don’t know any men with small children who disappear into hobbies all the time. Where I do see this more is with men whose kids are older, or who are edging towards retirement and suddenly have more time.

You also have to look at the type of hobby and what they’re getting out of it. Golf is a good example of one that can expand to fill an entire day if you let it.

I don’t want to speak for men, as I’m not one, but have a few random thoughts:

“Men time” is a real that that is pretty normal and probably healthy. Men often socialise side-by-side rather than face-to-face and time with other blokes gives them space to decompress in a way they might not at home. We accept that women might want time with female friends to talk freely and reset outside of being a mum/partner. I don’t see why it’s so different for men.

Solitary hobbies can be a big form of escapism. Things like fishing, gaming, even long solo cycles are often about switching off. Especially if the man is an introvert. If work and family life are busy or stressful, these hobbies give them a way to not think, not problem-solve and just exist for a bit. A bit of a mental break from constant demands.

Gym / self-improvement type hobbies can be more complex. First thing that comes to mind is obviously mid life crisis types that hit the gym as they want to look younger etc. But actually, as men get older, health anxiety and ageing can be really frightening. For a few men I know, losing their health and become physically dependent on others is their worst nightmare and can really drive gym interest. Keeping fit feels like something they can control perhaps? And once you’re into it, fitness hobbies take consistency and momentum, so it can start to dominate their routine.

Football we could have a whole thread about. People who aren’t into it underestimate how immersive it is. If someone’s been into football since childhood, it’s not a casual “dip in and out” thing. There are constant matches, transfers, discussions. Keeping up is part of the enjoyment. I think if you’re not into it, it can look excessive, but for fans it’s more like an ongoing narrative they’re invested in.

Of course, any of the above can tip into avoidance. Sometimes it is about not getting much out of family life but not wanting to leave or cause upheaval. So they meet their emotional or social needs elsewhere instead.

Men tend to congregate in groups more than women I find, particularly when it comes to hobbies. Football, golf, fishing competitions etc. Women don’t do that, they may agree to meet but they often don’t have organised time
together in groups like men do in middle age.

Personally I really don’t care that my husband watches his team play most weekends but that’s just me. I love being on my
own.

Both my partner and I WFH - for about a decade - so in many ways it feels like we spend nearly all our time together (which I like and it’s made housework smoother and more equal.) I guess there’s a lot more WFH couples now and that’s a big change in relationship dynamics too. It feels less of a problem when we do our own things in the evenings and weekends bc we’ve spent all day ‘near’ each other.

There is definitely a tendency for his hobbies to be more outdoor focussed. I realised a lot of my hobbies tended to be more home focussed - and I do wonder if that’s a subtle, gendered pressure.

I would be happy with this as DH wfh so is always in and in the eay n my days off to do housework and be at home I work outside in a stressful job so would be a relief for me for him to bugger off lol 😆

OP I agree with you. I know plenty of relationships and families like this. Especially my own. We are mid thirties with 3 small kids. I play with the kids downstairs while my husband watches tv or scrolls upstairs. Or he’s at the gym. He will spend an hour or two with the kids at the weekend but I do almost every family day out solo as he prefers ‘his down time’

he will watch tv with me 2-3 evenings a year. And say how nice it is and we should do it more often then he goes back upstairs and watches his programmes and scrolls again. He doesn’t eat meals with us.